Recent reviews by Not Your Real Dad

I went into this game expecting awesome parkour and fun combat. You will find neither of those things here.

The free running/parkour mechanic is pathetic, you simply hold down two buttons and Ezio will perform all the jumps, stunts and tricks without any input, as you simply steer him in the direction you want him to go. Why can't I have more precise control over him, as I do in Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands? (Which, after all, was made in the same engine.) This mechanic, while boring, should work fine for more casual gamers in theory, but leaves someone like me incredibly frustrated when Ezio doesn't do exactly what I want him to do. Frequently I am running away from guards, and instead of running straight ahead in the direction my mouse is pointing he starts running up a bloody wall to my left. Sometimes Ezio will leap elegantly off the side of a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ building to his well-deserved fate, because he doesn't precisely follow my mouse aim.

Basic game design rules are thrown out the window here. Why is the grab button the same as the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ let-go button? If you're catapulting through mid air, scrambling for a ledge to clasp and accidentally press "grab" twice, then you'll end up falling to your death. Why can't the climb up and climb down buttons be used for this, like in every single other 3D platformer in existence?

The combat is also shallow and boring, and you spend most of your time waiting to counter attack. Some of the bigger fights with allies on your side can be fun, as you can sneak around your enemies to stab them in the back while distracted, but most of the time it will be you against a bunch of guards, waiting around or taunting them into making a move so you can counter. The actual countering is also way too lenient; you have about a 10-second window in which to press the button as your opponent slowly winds up his attack.


Planning assassinations can be fun, but they get incredibly samey and they never really challenge you. The stealth mechanics can be too easily exploited, and most of the time you don't even have to kill any of your target's body guards. Get in for a quick stab, wait for Ezio and his victim to have a boring and equally pretentious conversation, then run for the hills as soon as you regain control. Rinse and repeat.

This game is mindless, there's no need to pay attention to anything any of the characters say in this game. Every mission can be completed by running to the big target on your minimap, performing the easily executed action, then running back or escaping. Just a few hours in I had enough money to buy every end game item three times over. This game simply refuses to present a challenge. Occasionally I felt frustrated, but never properly challenged.

I have a feeling most fans of the series are here for the story and the aesthetics. The story has some pretty cool ideas, but is sometimes let down by poor presentation and execution. A lot of the cutscenes are pretty awkward, and they seem reluctant to put any focus on the present-day portion of the plot. You only come back to the present day a few times over the 20 hours of play time, sometimes for (literally) no more than 10 seconds. I actually forgot about Desmond and Co a couple of times. Some of the secondary characters were interesting, but I personally found Ezio to be quite unlikeable.

As for the Aesthetics, you can tell a lot of attention to detail was put into the visuals. From the Italian architecture to the in-game menus, everything is very polished. Some of the cities are impressively big, and running through crowds of people, or sprinting along the rooftops above them can feel fantastic. Unfortunately the colour palette is quite dull and muted in places, and detracts from what otherwise is a vibrant experience.

The sound design is quite nice, but nothing unique or amazing. Some of the melodies in the score are very memorable and energetic, but you'll be mostly listening to the same 2 or 3 pieces over and over again.

I did have one enjoyable play session of Assassin's Creed II, but I also happened to be quite drunk at the time. And I think that is the only way I could ever really enjoy this game. If you want to buy this game do not expect precise platforming. Do not expect enjoyable combat. Do not expect to be challenged. If you want to play this game, make sure it's because you like the story and the aesthetics, otherwise, like me, you will be severely disappointed.

One of my favourite gaming experiences in recent times. On the surface it's an incredibly pleasant exploration/collection game with some puzzles and platforming. The huge size of the world alone satisfies me; I love to lose myself in FEZ. The game is beautiful to look at and the aesthetic is perfect for my tastes. The soundtrack is also really lovely, and gels perfectly with the visuals.

If you look deeper though, it gets deeper. There are languages and codes to decipher, remarkable hidden worlds and cryptic, world-size puzzles to wrap your head around. Not to mention a surprisingly dense and interesting backstory to uncover.

Lots of people dislike this game because its creator, Phil Fish, is a bit of a ♥♥♥♥. But I think it's silly to let that stop us enjoying his work. Don't let this game's development drama and backstory lead to preconceptions. Like most games it’s not perfect, but it's very polished and there is a lot of attention to detail. A huge amount of passion went into this game, and it really comes through.

Even though the environments are predominately very pleasant, with bright blue skies and luscious greenery, Gomez wanders through the immense world outside his village alone. The outer worlds are almost completely void of sentient life, without even enemies to keep him company. Despite the mostly inviting landscapes, I find myself feeling an almost petrifying sense of loneliness and emptiness as I explore the world and uncover just how strange it is. This loneliness only adds to the feeling of size and vastness the game's world has.

That loneliness, I think, also amplifies the great satisfaction you feel when you figure out one of the harder puzzles in the game, for example one of the coded languages. Unless you are a genius however, you WILL eventually have to Google a couple of solutions at some point, if you want to 100% it. (Which is actually 209.4% according to the game.)

Beautiful, creepy, sometimes very clever, and above all... Immensely charming. I ♥♥♥♥ing love this game.

funfunfunfunfunfunfunfun :3

Suprisingly faithful to the original Rayman game, but with modern design perfectly weaved in. Challenging too; the final bonus level (Land of the Livid Dead) had me unable to beat it for almost an hour. The art here is absolutely stunning, and there's tonnes of variety.

A very satisfying platformer, I'd reccommend this to absolutely anyone.

Satisfying combat, deliciously sneaky stealth, cool villains and... Well, you get to be Batman. I much prefer this Batman over the Batman from the new films... If only because he doesn't ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ talk like he's accidentally swallowed a ring of barbed wire and never bothered to do anything about it.

This game shows the extent of how versitile the Unreal Engine really is, although the standard unreal colour palletes make an unfortunate appearance here: Even through the creative, wacky character and level designs, the entire game is filled with unnecessary dull colours. It's not horrible, but it just feels like a missed opportunity for a really stunning visual experience.

It definately feels like a game designed primarily for consoles; it can seem very "context sensitive" at times, however it makes up for it with good design.

I'd recommend this game to almost anyone, it does not dissapoint. I never got bored or annoyed throughout my playthrough; it can be challanging but never unfair, and it paces itself well. ...Although it does lose points for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ WINDOWS LIVE. >:(

A good way to test out your new rig. Fantastic graphics, a really cool mechanic (the nanosuit powers of course) But a disapointing story, awkward cutscenes and a somewhat abrubt ending.