Finally, the highly praised Halo franchise has released some of its best entries on PC, neatly assembled in one juicy collection. As someone who grew up only listening to how Halo is great and Master Chief is a super-chad, after playing it, I can say, without a doubt, both statements are correct.

While the title does say The Master Chief Collection, we also get two spin-offs: ODST and Reach, with the latter being my personal favourite in terms of story. Many seem to dislike it because of how bland Noble Team is. Personally, that never bothered me. They never were the focal point of the story. It was always the planet itself, Reach. Noble Team is nothing more than a surrogate pair of eyes for us to witness humanities struggle against overwhelming odds first-hand and the horrors enacted by the Covenant upon the inhabitants of Reach. As for ODST, it was ok. It takes place during Halo 2, but nothing from its story was particularly memorable. Some quirky moments and funny dialogue, but nothing more than that.

Still, the title clearly says - The Master Chief Collection, so let's get back to his escapades. I may get some flak for this, but Halo: Combat Evolved has the worst story, if you can even call it that. There was barely anything. It felt more like a concept. Don't get me wrong, Halo 4 is right next to it, but I still consider Halo: Combat Evolved worse. But then...BAM! Halo 2. We get more lore about this universe, more epic cutscenes, more chad one-liners, and characters actually have some personality. And it is here that Master Chief actually became a chad, with subsequent entries continuing to expand the legend that is Sierra-117. So, even with a few blemishes, I immensely enjoyed this sci-fi space epic; From witnessing the glassing of Reach, helping a friend go out with a bang, to detonating a nuke above Earth like a true chad, there was never a lack of memorable moments.

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But what about the gameplay?

Well, it's simply fantastic, and this much is true for every Halo game. Each entry improves upon its predecessor, refining the gameplay, but at the same time, staying true to that familiar gameplay loop set in stone by Halo: Combat Evolved. Personally, I have Halo 3 as my top pick. It's the culmination of Bungie's trilogy, and its greatness and epicness during gameplay are still unrivalled by any previous or subsequent Halo games.

But, where are my manners; I have yet to speak about the gunplay itself. So let's fix that, shall we - it's an FPS game where you shoot, throw grenades and drive vehicles. But the driving controls are unusual. Rather than driving, I dunno, like in 99.9% of games, with movement keys, Bungie said: "We don't do that here", and instead, your mouse is the steering wheel. Tricky at first, but once you get the hang of it, you'll be drifting on the surface of halo rings like the great Colin McRae.

Each new entry does try to up the ante, spicing up the gameplay, just ever so slightly. Halo 2 has Chief dual wield smaller weapons, which he seemingly forgot how to do in Halo 4 after his cryo-sleep. With Halo 3 came one-time use equipment; Useless overall, but they do look neat in the promotional CGI trailer. However, soon after, an unfathomable evil shook the very heavens, as long and fierce wars were waged over its place in the Halo-verse, with many brave souls lost in the process. Just speaking its name aloud invokes thousand years of bad luck upon your no scope 360 trick shots. I am, of course, talking about sprinting. This putrid thing first reared its ugly head in Halo: Reach, but only as an armour ability. It wasn't until Halo 4 that it finally infected Master Chief, becoming his innate ability. Truly a sad day for Halo fans all over the galaxy. But then again, he was often seen sprinting in cutscenes...

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Sprinting polemics aside, I love how Halo effortlessly creates a heterogeneous battlefield. Encounters pit you against a group comprised of unique enemy units, each with different strengths, weaknesses and mannerisms. We have bird boys, smol boys, wort boys, bug boys, hairy boys, chunky boys, etc. And while headshots mean instant death, some enemy units must be first stripped bare; hairy boys have armour, wort boys have shields, etc. Do note - each protection is weaker against different ammo. For example, wort boy shields are strong against human bullets but weak to plasma-based weapons. But, I will let you in on a little secret - All enemies and shields are weak to rockets to the face.

While massacring half of the known universe is fun, sometimes we need to stop, take a breath and admire the scenery. And this is where Halo got me. Halo isn't like that hot chick who doesn't know she's hot. Halo knows and wants your gaze. So, while Halo: Combat Evolved has inner beauty and Halo 4 is entirely flat, the others were a succulent journey for the senses; From the Covenant and its many species, the mysterious biomes of the halo rings and the burning cities of Reach, all the way to Johnson and his clean-shaven chin that accentuates his magnificent moustache, the Halo universe is beaming with beauty to behold.

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Yet, visual beauty can't work solo. Its age-old accomplice - music, plays a vital role in immersing the player within the games universe. Sadly, this is where a crucial issue occurred, as how does one rate perfection?
Also, Keith David...Mmmm, you can be my Arbiter any day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

But, besides Keith David making my knees weak with his stern, thick and firm voice, sound effects in Halo play a crucial role in perceiving one's surroundings. Being informed about various things during the chaotic fights is paramount for success - possible grenade explosion, what weapons the enemy is firing, etc. All produce distinct sound effects, which in turn help you avoid and instead inflict death upon the enemy.

But before we say farewell, I want to make something clear - I didn't partake in multiplay shenanigans, as I don't care for it. Thus, I can't provide insight into that part of the collection. But if that is what interests you, I highly suggest you read the review from Zionyx.

And with that said, I think it's pretty clear how I feel about Halo. Thus, I'll finish by answering three quintessential questions any buyer may ponder about:

Where is Halo? -On Steam.
Who is Halo? -The big green dude.
Why is Halo? -Yes.

If you crave a specific entry, have no fear I got you:
Halo Reach
Halo CE
Halo 2
Halo ODST
Halo 3
Halo 4

If you enjoy this review, come and read more wisdom from the Gospel of Sv. Prolivije.

Wolfenstein: The Old Blood helped me live out my deepest desires—killing Nazis, half naked, rocking two big ass shotguns, while blood is gushing everywhere, as if a bloodsprinkler went off, giving even the golden shower a run for its money! You know, normal kinky stuff.

Do I know the OG lore of Wolfenstein? -Nope
Did that impact my enjoyment of the story? -Nope
Hotel? -Castle Wolfenstein

Anyway, the story is campy, yes, but has some genuine feels moments too. Characters I met for a brief second were believable, memorable, due to the history they hold within this world. And all the notes I found further expand the setting, a first for me, actually enjoying reading these collectables. Overall, I’m a fan of the story and its many twists and turns. Plus, William J. Blazkowicz, aka B.J., is a relatable character—man doesn’t care for wearing shirts.

So, armed with the hate of shirts and a plan, B.J. and Wesley set out for Castle Wolfenstein to turn the tide of war.

While a first-person shoota at heart, I gotta talk about something unconventional for the genre—stealth! It’s amazing. Each enemy checkpoint, unless alerted via cutscene, has officers with Gamer Headssets patrolling, just itching to call their bros should they see your uncultured, naked, chiseled, body squawking around, killing. But hold on to your meat, because entire combat sections can be fully skipped by being super sneaky, slipping past enemies. That’s just amazing to me.

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Anyway, I started blasting; alarms were raised and many Nazis glazed (with bullets), just as God intended. And the shooting… the shooting, man… Just so damn buttery smooth. I even turned off the crosshairs and all the HUD stuff—had zero effect on my precision. Now, granted, I have none to begin with, but auch eine blinde Uhr findet mal ein Korn!

And in a world dominated by can carry only two weapons design, B.J. is given 9 weapons to conduct his one-man-led Nazi-killing symphony, on the fly! Personal favorites: Bombenschuss (sniper) and Schockhammer 46 (za shotgun, main hot dogs!). I also love getting my hands dirty, so I often used my pipe to open the hintertür of the übermensh, establishing a connection with ‘em on a deeper, more intimeren level. And the thicc, bulging übermaschinengewehr—B.J. is slow as Nazilasses, but mowing down Nazis with it… better than the sex!

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But what touched me, in all the reich places—dual-welding. If you look up the word fun in the Wörterbuch, you’ll see a picture of me, dual-wielding (guns…). It gave me this otherworldly satisfaction—it’s double the boom of single-wielding! Silly single-weilding β’s will complain that you’re slow, reloading takes ages, and ammo goes brrrr. But, so what—killing has 16x the detail now! The only real issue I had is, MachineGames why you limiting me to only dual-wielding three guns? Do you know it was my dream since I was a wee little mensh of 3 years old to dual-weild übermaschinengewehr and mow down Nazis, with a fantastic fashion sense, while being half naked?

So anyway, the three guns: the pistol, assault rifle, and Schockhammer 46. The pistol was skip, assault rifle was nice, but the Schockhammer 46 was my beloved—very boom, no spazz, much kill—the Holy Trinity! When the Godrays hit the contents spewing out of the exploding Nazi heads just right, that’s when it all came (together). And my gawd, the visuals, impeccable. From the Nazi and their “futuristic” gear design, to the cast of characters and world they inhabit, it’s clear MachineGames is home to some exceptionally talented people!

Anyway, back to the gore—MachineGames, please, never cut back on gore in future games! There’s something so satisfying about witnessing bodily fluids free roam—it gives my bullets that umph, and I genuinely feel their impact! I do have to say, seeing all that (blood) squirting, it had me ponder—is dual-wielding Schockhammer 46s the answer to summoning the mythical female orgasm?
Vielleicht.
But that’s just a theory!

Now, the killing menu: big Nazi, smol Nazi, cooler smol Nazi, Gamer Headsset Nazi, doggies, big doggies, Nazi campers, and Nazi shotgun-lovers. As you can see, fun comes in all shapes and sizes! Heck, we even have boss Nazis. What made combat so fun was the way the game expertly combines the meats—each encounter had plenty of variety, making beating the meat super engaging, and sometimes quite challenging—it’s simple Nazi math my dear, Franz! The AI is also impressive, coordinating well, often looking for backshots. So, if you’re not careful, they will overwhelm and pincer you—ze blitzkrieg!

I also gotta praise the big Nazis—I loved fighting these walking tanks! They sport an übermaschinengewehr, which shrunk my health to a healthy 0 in a few seconds if I flashed B.J.’s nipples at them for too long. So, what do you do when you can't do nothing, but there's nothing you can do? You do what you can—you tap that (shoulder) bulge! That’s where the Bombenschuss shines. One well-placed round stuns them, and then it’s Bill Cosby time—undress their breast(plate) and expose the heart. After, it’s round 2: shoot the bulge twice boogalo to get that final stun and finish them off by nonfiguratively stabbing their exposed heart!

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This ordeal proved challenging whenever I alerted the entire checkpoint—Nazis ain’t patiently waiting for me to finish off their big friend, they coming for that fat ass mid finishing!

Now, Wolfe is a game from a bygone era, where injuries didn’t magically heal after not getting hit for a few seconds. Instead, you took it like a man and collected healing items. Maybe I’m finally acting my age (old), but I enjoy this system oh-so much! I can go full monke, but the design never made me stiff—I was always making moves, scanning my surroundings for pickups (health packs, armor pieces, etc.). Speaking of health pickups, B.J. can overdose on health and armor. You get the benefit of more protection, but it’s temporary, slowly trickling down to base numbers (100), so you’re never OP. Good news tho—overdose B.J. past a certain threshold and you get perks with permanent health/armor increase. So, juice away, my dudes!

But gameplay needs its partner-in-crime, level design, to be good as well—spoiler! it is! What I need you to understand is… these levels… they feel natürlich! It’s as if they’re genuinely part of the game world; it never felt like going from combat zone map A to combat zone map B. And they were all complex, offering lots of verticality, multiple paths, and sometimes even hidden paths, enhancing, be it stealthing or booming, dealer’s choice.

Schlussendlich, Wolfe Oldlich Bloodlich is just a damn fun game! From the shooting and the story, to the visuals, art direction, and Micky G. with the OST (the end credits song…ugh!)—it’s all fantastisch.

An alle, die es bis hierhin geschafft haben: Wenn ihr noch mehr göttliches Wissen sucht, dann folgt dem Glauben, der im Evangelium von Sv. Prolivije verkündet wird. Alle Mitglieder erhalten kostenlose Zahnpflege und 2 Wochen bezahlten Urlaub.