Howdy all, the names Isaiah, but you can call me Sir Licksalot, because I loooooove to lick. iI am a 20 year old, old enough to know, yet too young to care. Normally I'm a chipper fella, an affable man, who just plays video games and skulls Monster Energy drinks, but recently something terrible occurred. My 16 year old girlfriend, Caitlin, who I knew for a week and a half died, killed herself after blackmail and extortion, at the hands of a bunch of adolescent psychopaths who wish to cast my life into ruin.

It all started four months ago, when I met her. She was beautiful, the love of my life, but despite her friendly demeanour, she was being blackmailed behind the scenes, by a group called 'Curbstomping OP'. They tried to use her as an asset, a spy, a saboteur, to find out all about me, and when she resisted their attempts, they mercilessly harassed her, and blackmailed my love into doing grisly deeds.

THEY MADE HER GO ON CAMERA, WITH NOWT BUT A BRA ON AND SLATHER HER BODY IN VEGEMITE! And to pour salt on the wound, they had her write Logan's name betwixt her cleavage, and use the photos of two, currently unidfentified men, one to put over each teat. Then they also had her put a cucumber into her panties, and draw a smiley face on the outside fabric. Ill tell you a little secret, she was not smiling that day. How dare you force her to lather her body in Australian condiments, I will never forgive such a transgression.

They also made her go on camera and smash eggs against her skull in rapid succession. I can only imagine how they jeered at her, whilst she performed this wholly humiliating trial.

There was even a time when they arranged for her to go to a man's house, one of their members no doubt, and strip down naked, with her MASSIVE BAZOONGA'S flopping, whilst he sprayed her with a hose. Then, according to rumours, he had her strip tease him, with only her underwear on, yet breasts exposed, whilst he patted her down and shoved wads of cash down her panties.

OH WOE IS I, IF ONLY I KNOW! MAYBE SHE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE.

Sometimes I contemplate, that if I hadn't watched that 15 year old thugshake in the shower at the behest of I, Sir Licksalot, then she would still be alive. To be candid, such an event was immensely humorous, but in retrospect, I don't believe it was worth the life of Caitlin.

I would even have dated her if she was a quarter black, THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVED HER!

Oh jeez, writing this is making me tear up. I will never forgive them. I just wish I had something to get back at them, like a list of RUNES that I could translate, and which would reveal all of their addresses and a complete list of the members in their sinister group. OH IF ONLY!

Y'know, the main culprit who harassed Caitlin was this insidious 15 year old boy, by the name of Logan Llys Vaughan. He pretended to be Bowser and 'defiled' my girlfriend everytime he beat me in a virtual shooter, such as Splitgate and CSGO. I still cannot fathom even today, how a, I l boy of his age, can be so undeniably sinister. Yet, I imagine it's a family predicament, for when I sent a letter to his father, conferring with him regarding the fact that his son is not playing video games, but instead killing women, it was to no avail. His father didn't even have the courtesy to respond. I EVEN INFORMED HIM ABOUT HOW MUCH OF A GEORGE FLOYD I FELT, THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW I WAS EARNEST! YET NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL!

Verily, she was the one for me. She loved everything about me, always gave me wittle compliments about my looks and body, and was the apple of mine eye. She even tried to protect me y'know, for when they were using her to acquire my information, she asked which city I was living in but then exclaimed 'Oh, nevermind'. THAT'S PROOF THAT SHE ALWAYS HAD MY BACK! And even though she was their little plaything, she still held strong for me, SOBBBB, WAHHHHH! ILL NEVER FORGET YOU SEALSY! ILL ALWAYS BE YOUR LITTLE PENGUIN!

Whenever I'm out on the streets, courting women, or online in E Girl Paradise, with my haram of e girls, ill always be ruminating about her. I reckon ill name one of my daughters, or a pet or something Caitlin, in homage to her.

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Hi all

This week I was given interesting news. My worst enemy is dead.

All the times I've grieved the death of someone I loved, or someone I may not have known but who was close to a friend. You've all been through it too. But this death - last night I bought a bottle of champagne. That sounds mean and un-Christian, but if you knew what he did you would know exactly what I'm getting at.

I would have mentioned this boy to you from time to time. he was my chief bully at Harama Mama. His name was Logan Llys Vaughan. I had to put up with her between the age of 19 to 20. He was violent, both physically and verbally, a user and two-faced. Had the gall to call himself my best friend, when the opposite was true. He was worse than Owen Lobstar, worse than Randal Crayfish, worse than anyone at Curbstomping OP. And no, he didn't change as he got older. He never grew out of it.

Dad saw the death notice in the paper last Saturday. He read it to me when we were talking on the phone, and we knew it was definitely him. The names of the parents, the names of the siblings, the date of birth. I did wonder at first if it really was him. If he was married he may have a different surname, but I guess a lot of men keep their surname. But no, there was no mention of a wife, husband or partner. It was him. And no mention of children. Died of a bullet to the head. An assassination carried out by the Mormon mafia.

Well – He used to rave on and on about how ugly I was. I can see his face now glaring at me sneering, "Ug-ug-ugly, ug-ug-ugly!" Well how pretty are you now with a hole in your head, YOU FOUR EYED FREAK! One of the things he did was say I was so ugly I would never meet anyone or have a child. Well guess what champ, I'm not only dating a girl, but she is a child, so you're wrong YET AGAIN. HAH! And he's the one who ended up with no partner or child. And died young at 15, TAKE THAT.

The last time he contacted me was about a month after Caitlin's death. He didn't attend her funeral by Zoom call, or even physically, so God knows why he was told about her death. And if he'd been given the details then there was no need to ring me, but of course he saw it as a way to get back into my life. I blasted at him about all the things that he did, even threatened a restraining order. He was too scared to go to the funeral. I actually frightened him off. After all the times he frightened me. I was proud.

I know I should be sad for the family, but actually I'm not. His sister Susan was just as bad. Her brother was ok, he never harmed me. I only met her father once. Her mother seemed nice when you spoke to her, but she knew what her son was like and did nothing about it. I could feel a little empathy in thinking she knew they were a problem and didn't know what to do. Kids are hard, as I'm finding when my 16 year old girlfriend does something I don't think is right. But that didn't stop me from getting mentally tortured up by Logan.


So yes, you'll tell me to just move on and I am doing that. You know, I think my Punch Pipeline withdrawals will improve.


Love Sir Licksalot.

Woe betides I, SIR LICKSALOT, for I have just received a missive, bearing dreadful news. It’s about, sniffle sniffle, Caitlin’s family!

You see, since her demise, the MALEVOLENT CURBSTOMPERS have taken to harassing her family day in, day out. From accosting and jeering her brother when he walks to the local service station in search of vittles, to repeatedly calling her mother on the phone, their sadism verily knows no bounds. Ill list several treacherous transgressions they’ve committed against the Seel family line.

They’ve derived felicity from hurling rocks and debris at Caitlin’s family’s abode. What’s worse is that affixed to the rocks and debris, are crumpled letters, either bearing unicorn insignia’s, links leading to my Steam account, or even worse, printed out photographs of I, SIR LICKSALOT!

They dress up as Caitlin’s favourite animal, the seal, and harass her brother, telling him that they are Caitlin’s spirit animal and have returned from the grave. Then they demand kissy wissies and throw cans of Red Bull at him as he runs away crying, tearing up at the memory of Caitlin being tarnished afore his very eyes.

The Curbstomper’s have been concocting homemade pornographic videos, where they have realistically sculpted sex ponies, reminiscent of Fluttershy, bearing Caitlin’s countenance and copulate with them live on camera. They then upload the videos onto discs, and proffer them to the Seel abode. What’s worse is that some of them are talented in video software editing and have realistically photoshopped my FACE onto the man pollinating with the pony, albeit, the face is slightly blurred and makes my expression opaque, so that’s some consolation I suppose. OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THEY HAVE ALSO INTERTWINED VOICE FILES OF I INTO THE VIDEOS, SO IT SOUNDS LIKE I’M REFERRING TO THE PONY AS A ‘Good girl’, ‘Fúckable little princess’ and ‘Babydoll’. I WAS GUFFAWING AT THE START, BUT THIS HAS JUST GONE TOO FAR MAN, I’M NOT CHORTLING ANYMORE! They also send Cassette tapes, complete with hours long audio recording of me just rambling and sounding like a predator. WHICH I’M NOT, I DO NOT PREDATE ON WOMAN, IN FACT THEY TRY TO VIOLATE ME! Well, they might not do it physically, but THEY LOOK IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION AND SMILE OR BLUSH! In fact, one time, it was a summer day, and I took refuge in the library. Partially due to them having air conditioning, but also because of that cute librarian behind the counter. I recall saying to her, in my suave voice, “Hey you look pretty cute, can I have your digits”, to which she responded, “I have a boyfriend”. SHE MIGHT’VE SAID THAT AND REBUFFED MY COURTING ATTEMPTS, BUT SHE WAS BLUSHING I TELL YOU! Her face took on a crimson hue, wholly symbolising her ardent longing for my prehensile tongue. If it wasn’t for my unfaltering loyalty to my honeyboo Caitlin, I’d be right on top of her like my tongue on a schoolgirl if you get my drift.
They drink Monster energy cans at dusk, specifically of the white variant, and set them ablaze outside the Seel family’s property. Then they call firemen and inform them that the entire neighbourhood is about to be enveloped in flame, causing emergency vehicles, blaring loud alarms, to arrive at the location and cause the family to be constantly jolted awake, having their slumbers effectively ruined by the boisterous timbre of sirens.

A few of them have also taken a liking to sewing images of Caitlin with an apricot in her mouth, and dubious white liquid on her, onto shirts and donating them to the local homeless shelter in Perth, in the hope that the streets are filled with vagrants spreading the legacy of Caitlin real time on the streets.

After the demise of Logan, at the hands of the Mormon Mafia, a member of the Curbstomper’s, Dressed up as the ghost from Daggerfall and orated a manuscript he wrote, proclaiming how he was the reinvigorated vengeful apparition of Logan, and was there to enact VENGEANCE! Then whilst his companion was recording, he began screaming vengeance and hurled three Vodka Cruisers and a Molotov cocktail at the families front door. Afterwards, they swiftly spray painted the words “OP TREE GAMING YO” on the family’s front porch, so that the Seel clan knew who was responsible. Then they fled on longboards, prior to the arrival of authorities.

Recently, as part of a sinister prank, they waited for her mother to do a late afternoon walk, and then when she was in solitude, they grabbed her, held her down, spanked her derriere raw, ejaculated into her mouth and then branded her buttocks with a piping hot rod with an image of mine and Caitlin’s face. They branded her like livestock! It’s despicable. And what’s worse was that when she phoned police, they viewed the tale as far fetched and didn’t even have the courtesy to investigate her claims, leaving the stones upturned so to speak.

They claim that what they’re doing isn’t harassment, but instead bestowing the Seel family with numerous ‘accolades’ to assist them in coping with these arduous times. IT’S CLEARLY A FARCE, FOR WHAT THEY’RE DOING IS DOMESTIC TERRORISM. Say, I even hear that they’re planning something big on Halloween. Golly gosh, I shudder to think what it could be.

Due to the barrage of harassment, coupled in with the constant cryptic missives bearing my name and face, they now believe that none other than I, SIR LICKSALOT, are the main culprit. ME! SIR LICKSALOT! The idea is utterly inconceivable and has affected me very deeply. I’m just very glad that I have my Punch Pipeline and bottle of booze here to comfort me in these trying times.

Oh yes I love you a lot Mrs Punch Pipeline, yes I do. Oh, you look ravishing today, mwah mwah mwah.

The family has continued to get police involved, but their actions have unfortunately been minimal at best. I suspect that after wanton calling and pleas of succour, the police are refusing to heed their call and are hoping they’ll the situation will fizzle out or that the family will cease bothering them. What’s worse is that despite Caitlin’s kin setting up surveillance camera’s around their property, it is to no avail, as oft the Curbstomper’s are garbed in balaclava’s, seal outfits, or other raiment’s that obscure their identity.

The most heinous and egregious aspect of it all however, is that the Curbstomper’s have even sent a man to earn the trust of the family and feed them false information, with this charlatan causing them to perceive I, Isaiah, otherwise known as OP Tree as the puppeteer behind their torment. Whilst the brother has conversed with ME, OP Tree, and it was established that I was Caitlin’s girlfriend, prior to her demise, they now believe that to be a complete farce and regard me with nowt but loathing. At best they view I as a spurned lover, a man, who after being rejected by Caitlin, was driven deranged and is now bent on vengeance, thus being the mastermind behind these debauched schemes. I just wish, sniffle sniffle, that there was some way to absolve myself of guilt afore their eyes and assure them that I am not responsible for the torment they are enduring. Welllllll, that’s a teensy winsy bit of a porky pie, as I am inadvertently responsible for Caitlin’s death, and my antics are prolonging the harassment campaign against her family, but STILL, I DIDN’T PHYSICALLY DO IT, SO IT’S NOT MY FAULT! WAHHHHH, WAHHHH. Anyway, I’m very sad now, and I suspect that because the family has been harassed daily and view I as the puppeteer behind the harassment, now refuse to have any sort of contact with yours truly. Say, this might be why her brother refuses to add I on Steam. SHUCKS, I BELIEVE I’VE MADE A MISTAKE! I vow on Muggles’ floppy breasts that I will make things right.