Recent reviews by Mitch_Murder

Its like LSD

It is the year 2027. You are Robert Jacobs. The so called Greater Korean Republic has taken over the western part of America. Robert Jacobs is a former Marine helicopter pilot. Somehow, a link must be made between saving the world and being a pilot, but no. You use a car which you actually control remotely, like a little boy. Your mission is to bring fuel to a military base in San Francisco, and because of this America gets saved. The irony of this is that only hippies live there who drive electric cars that they are put up with by environmentalism people. You have to do this with a team, consisting of a black person, a woman, a feeble-minded rambo and a technician who is a half Korean, meaning your team is composed of nothing but imbeciles.

Note: The only Black Person in the game dies before the halfway point.

The single player starts off as a pilot in the year 2027. You are sitting in your room staring at a wall for some strange reason when suddenly a few commies knock on your door. They take you outside after they punched you in the face and throw you in what was used to be a school bus.
At this moment the player ought to see all the lulzy things that happen outside, children getting raped, people dying, Korean variants of Razzia's and all other sorts of fun things, which makes them Nazi copyists. Unfortunately, your execution will be postponed because some members of the Resistance Movement blow up your bus to save you, which is dumb as ♥♥♥♥ because they could've killed you too, making them a bunch of sadistic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
Take a ride in this beautiful bus so you can end your miserable life.
This is the point where the game gets gradually worse, because they actually manage to save you. You don't want this. You want do die, your life sucks. But they force you to join their Resistance, which makes hem even bigger sadistic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.


The game won't last much longer from now on, considering that the single player will take you about five hours. From this point on, you will not notice difference between most levels as every level is the same apathic, miserable and dying mess like in the bus at the beginning. In every level you will kill Koreans, blow stuff up, kill Koreans, use some kind of vehicle that blows stuff up, kill Koreans, save your ass and finally kill Koreans. Strikingly enough, you will actually fly a helicopter once. ORLY, you're a pilot!

You play as some guy whose name really isn't important, and whose goal is to rescue some loli and kill people with both guns and by taking narcotics to grant you magic powers. The game is set during 1960, when the protagonist's plane crashes into the World Trade Center Atlantic Ocean, where he discovers a hidden city at the bottom of the ocean called "Rapture". Of course, the city is in a state of despair worse than that of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina (minus including the black people looting), and it's up to our pedophilic hero to solve the obligatory mystery surrounding the whole mess.

Your character starts out with nothing moar than a wrench with which to beat his foes upside the head, but soon acquires some guns and drugs to help him along. The protagonist then starts shooting up the drugs ("plasmids") like a heroin addict going through withdrawal and learns that, through the magic of science, he has gained special abilities, such as the ability to spawn an army of wasps from his forearm or to set ♥♥♥♥ on fire. The player then finds out that in order to recharge his powers, he has to continually take a high strength brand of heroin known as "EVE".

So, Jack (that's the protagonist's name, in case you really care) has to find a bunch of little girls, called "Little Sisters", that have a kind of genetic material called "ADAM". After finding the little brats, it is then up to you to decide if you want to harvest or save them. But before you can do that, you have to contend with their guardians, called "Big Daddies". The Big Daddies are basically just tough ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ in metal diving suits that will attempt to rape you with either a giant gun or a giant drill.

There's also this guy named "Atlas" who helps you along for about the first half of the game. He gives you useful advice on how to advance and kill the game's enemies, called "Splicers" (pronounced "sploicehs"). He guides you on your quest to kill Andrew Ryan, the city's creator. Well, it turns out that Jack's actually Ryan's illegitimate son. And what's moar, Ryan has you sodomize him to death with a golf club by using the phrase "Would you kindly...", the same phrase that Atlas has been using to control you! And Atlas isn't even Atlas, he's some black person named Frank Fontaine! Oh yeah, spoiler alert.

So then Jack's rescued by some German MILF named Dr. Tennenbaum, who houses the Little Sisters and used to run a child prostitution service before the city went to ♥♥♥♥. Anyway, in case you haven't yet figured it out, you have to go kill Fontaine and save the day. When you first meet Fontaine, he looks like a normal guy, but when you fight him at the end of the game, he looks like a cross between The Incredible Hulk and Chris Benoit. Pretty much the dude jacked himself full of ADAM and became jacked and black (A man with black skin on drugs!? NO WAI!) But don't worry, all you have to do is walk up and stick a syringe in his chest, and then shock him so that he can't move; wash, rinse, and repeat, and you'll beat this insultingly easy boss, who is then stabbed to death by little sisters with syringes.

Fun fact: The average DotA player is not only a ♥♥♥♥♥♥, but a nerdy azn, he is also usually a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and a ♥♥♥♥ who sucks ♥♥♥♥ everyday.

The game, while targeted at "adult" males, is a lot of fun if you don't get bogged down the the details of killing hundreds of law enforcement officers and hookers. The game is meant to just be fun, not commentary on modern society or a discussion on politics. Start blasting everything, exploring the city, and grabbing some coke.

I HIGHLY recommend this game for anyone who is looking for a fun third person, cover based shooter with an excellent gripping story.

Unlimited amount of fun!

Hail to the King Baby!

PTSD Simulator 10/10