YOU (the Carrier)
-Brownbutted, blue eyed, BMI under 22
-NO TISM. No history of mental illness
-NO LOW IQ SCORES IN YOUR FAMILY
-Must submit baby photos. If your forehead is bigger than your fist. PASS. YOU'RE NOT IT.
-Bonus: Scoliosis-free, no gluten allergies, father is a surgeon, mother is a compliant BABY MAKER.
-Cannot believe in astrology. NO ROCKS OR CRYSTALS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Now I like you, Sebsal. And I look forward to our time together. But you have to understand, fifteen thousand isn't all that I want. From here on, starting now, I want my work to be credited by the anchors and on a burn. The name of my company is Video Production News, a professional news-gathering service. That's how it should be read and that's how it should be said. I also want to go to the next rung and meet your team, and the station manager, and the director, and the anchors, and start developing my own personal relationships. I'd like to start meeting them this morning. You'll take me around, you'll introduce me as the owner and president of Video Production News, and remind them of some of my many other stories.

I'm not done. I also want to stop our discussion over prices. This will save time. So when I say that a particular number is my lowest price, that's my lowest price and you can be assured that I arrived at whatever that number is very carefully. Now, when I say that I want these things, I mean that I want them and I don't want to have to ask again. And the last thing that I want, Sebsal, is for you to do the things that I ask you to do when we're alone together in your apartment, NOT LIKE THE LAST TIME.

So, I'm tendin' bar down there at Ecklund and Swedlin's last Tuesday, and this little guy's drinkin' and he says, "Where can a guy find some action? I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake." And I says, "What kinda action?" and he says, "Woman action, what do I look like?" And I says, "Well, what do I look like? I don't arrange that kinda thing," and he says, "But I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake," and I says, "Yeah, but this ain't that kinda place." he says, "Oh, so I get it, so you think I'm some kinda jerk for askin'?" only he don't use the word "jerk." Then he calls me a jerk, and says that the last guy who thought he was a jerk is dead now. So I don't say nothin', he says, "What do ya think about that?" And I says, "Well, that don't sound like too good a deal for him, then." he says, "Yah, that guy's dead, and I don't mean of old age." and then he says "Geez, I'm goin' crazy out there at the lake!"

What is my perfect crime? I break into u/destroyopec’s cirlce at midnight. Do I go for the betray? No, I go for the key. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a man catches me. He tells me to stop. It's his cirlce. He’s u/destroyopec. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the mods come and I escape in one of their subreddits. I tell him to meet me in r/all, but I go to r/prequelmemes. I don't trust him. Besides, I like the memes. Thirty years later, I get a message. I have a son and he's the admin. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell u/destroyopec to meet me in real life. He’s been waiting for me all these years. He’s never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I break into his house and steal his hard drive. That’s where I stashed the key

wut?