"Oh hello there! My name is Nern. I'm considered the greatest historian of our time... I've gathered a wealth of knowledge about Olathe and what happened here. Many tales... Would you like to hear? Hmm... I wish you were more enthusiastic... Oh well, I'll tell you anyway. Let's see.... Oh right! It all started with what I like to call, THE FLASH. I was sitting with my wife, god rest her soul, sipping on sweet lemon tea. I believe it was homemade by my sweet wife, God rest her soul. Or wait... Maybe she bought it from the store in a bottle. You know, like a plastic bottle? Well hold on now, that would be ridiculous to buy a bottle of sweet lemon tea, then transfer the contents into a glass. Why not just drink it from the bottle? I guess maybe so she could put ice in the glass? But then again, making tea homemade would be just as time consuming, if not more! That sneaky ♥♥♥♥♥... Anyway, I'll save that story for later! So, I'm sitting on my porch drinking sweet lemon tea. From a glass of course, ho ho! When suddenly... A great strangeness fills my body... Something was wrong... I've lived many years, and I've never felt something like this before. Do you know what it was? Yup! It was my rocking chair! That wooden son of a gun stopped rocking! So I looked down and realized a little rock had gotten caught beneath my chair! A rock under my rocking chair! What a day! I decided it was time for bed, I had had a little bit too much excitement for one day! Hoho! I slid into my jammies, brushed my teeth, and said my prayers. As I was climbing into bed I noticed my wife, God rest her soul, brushing her hair in the bathroom. As I peered across the hall my body swelled up with emotion...

"Why can't I be married to an attractive woman?" "Is it me?" "My bank account?" I'm a tall guy, I workout forty minutes a week... Is that not enough? Now my neighbor at the time, Tom Forknight, was very short. His wife, Karen Forknight-Plateburger... Yeah, one of THOSE women. Well, she was more attractive than my wife. I'd say she was a soft six, whereas my wife was a hard four. What's the deal? I thought women liked tall men? Why was Karen with him? Anyway my horse of a wife, God rest her soul, crawled into bed next to me. She decided to leave the bedside light on so she could read her book. It was one of her romance novels again... Give me a break... As if I don't already feel inadequate enough... Not only do I have to compete with Tom, now I have to deal with these fictional hunks! Ay yai yai! At this point I had already suppressed the urges of intimacy, I rolled over and tried to sleep. Her bedside light was only of minor annoyance. I was able to drift off... Then I woke up to a big flash of light. That's about it. I can tell by the way you're walking away that you don't want to leave... If you really want to hear another story I'll tell you but first you gotta do the harlem shake! Anyway, once upon a hot summer night. Sometime in July... Was it July? My local grocery store sells really good eggs in July. I don't know why. Do chickens operate better in heat? Fireworks maybe? I don't know. I don't want to get off topic. Point is, the eggs that Summer were marvelous! Anyway, my wife and I, God rest her soul, went to a BBQ that night. It was held at Dale Spooner's house. Well, his backyard... Conny Spooner doesn't want people in her home, I think she's just an uptight ♥♥♥♥♥. So at this BBQ I see none other than... That's right, Tom Forknight... Now earlier in the day my wife, God rest her soul, had made potato salad for the BBQ. Personally I hate potato salad, I'm a mashed kind of fellow. Hoho! So I sat in the TV room avoiding her till the BBQ. Once we were at the party, I made sure to distance myself from my dumb potato ♥♥♥♥♥ wife. God rest her soul, I just didn't want anyone to think I would associate with someone that would bring a potato salad! Anyway, Tom and his above mediocre wife were already there. And get this, they brought a fruit salad! With whipped cream! The nerve of those Forknights! Needless to say I gave my wife, God rest her soul, a couple choice words About whipped cream! Versus potato salad! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! A real tongue lashing! Geez, you're kind of smothering me. I'll talk to you later."

...

...

Well hello again! Funny seeing you here! What, are ya following me or something? Hoho! Anyway... I often wonder what all happened here. What was that big flash? Why are we here? Even our night and day cycle is odd... Sometimes days last ages, and nights come rarely. And these clouds… So strange… What’s happened to our Earth? … Oh well. Enough of that boring stuff. I once had a real kooky day at the doctor’s office! I was in the waiting room reading a teen magazine. Normally I don’t indulge in adolescent publications, but I couldn’t resist! I had recently heard the new artist on the radio, Ulysess Utensils! She’s some young woman, maybe a boy. I don’t know. Either way that child can really grasp my attention! So I’m reading this magazine because I saw Ulysess on the cover. I still wasn’t able to identify if it was a man or woman. But as I’m reading I notice something on the ceiling… I look up to see that there is some water damage. You’d think a doctor would make enough money to maintain his office… I guess he cares about his cool jetskis more than his patient’s comfort… And his assumably big house and hard-bodied wife… I wish my wife was like that… Big ol’... Melons… Just then! A droplet of water falls from the ceiling! My eyes trail it all the way down to the ground! I stared at the floor for some time, watching the carpet absorb the water. Suddenly my attention is caught by a small child. The child was glaring directly at me. I saw the devil looking right back at me beneath his eyes! I got nervous and quickly stared directly at my feet as to not aggravate the child. And that’s when I noticed something… I was wearing two different kinds of socks! Golly, I’m all revved up after all these thrilling exchanges! To be fair you’re a bit of a bore, but beggars can’t be choosers! I think I’ll stick around. I’ve got many a tale to tell!

―Nern Guan