Hello. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I was born like anyone else in a hospital. My childhood was uneventful, and I spent my nights dreaming about greater things.

As I approached the tender age of 10, I went to middle school. Life was normal. I spent my days dreaming about being someone bigger...being someone who is a hero.

But when I became 11 years old, a huge event happened that changed me for the rest of my life. I found out that I was a wizard and was to go to a school called "Hogwarts". This information came from a big man named "Hagrid" who was quite touchy feely, and who I think was quite frankly a pervert. Alas, we digress. As I attended Hogwarts and learned magic, my body began to change. I was starting to grow hair in places where hair should not exist, and started doing unscrupulous activites. I thought to myself that this is just a phase and let it go.

At 15, I started a little conglomerate with my dear friend Ronald Weasley. The business was focused on doing unscrupulous activies. We both came up with a variety of spells that ranged from Viagra like effects to being able to please multiple partners. But our overtly actions attracted too much attention. Soon the gig was up. The headmaster Dumbledore was quite furious and we got charged with running a prostitution ring among a plethora of other charges. This left me and Ronald only one choice, we ran.

With the help of Ronald's flying car, we managed to get far away to be safe. The car crash landed in the sea, where we were picked up by Somalian pirates. These gentleman were quite the connoisseurs at stealing ♥♥♥♥ in general. They proceeded to kidnap us against our will. Since we had lost our wands in the crash landing, we had no choice but to comply. At night we decided to escape. As we made our way upstairs out of the holding cell, we encountered a group of Somalian pirates. Ronald was killed in a hail of gunfire while I managed to escape with my life.I managed to hold onto a piece of driftwood and safely made it to Africa.

A man named Yoruba found me and nurtured me back to life. Yoruba was the leader of a local milita group and he forced many Nigerians to dig for diamonds. Soon, I found myself plunged into the world of diamonds and slavery. I had a posse of 100 Nigerians who I forced to dig for diamonds. I was involved in this business for many months until I came across a very big and pink diamond. I made a plan to steal the diamond and to head for America.

Yoruba found out about my plans and chased after me with his many Nigerian comrades. I was constantly on the run, ever fearing for my life. A vicious gun fight broke out when the Federation Army of Africa came upon Yoruba's milita group. In the ensuing gunfire, I managed to escape.

I managed to sell my diamond and settled down in Hawaii. I opened a Shark Sandwich shop and hired a Japanese worker named Hayate who is my cook. We fish for sharks everyday with harpoons and then cook them and sell Shark Sandwiches.