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IMPORTANT WARNINGS BEFORE YOU QUEUE WITH ME

I will always buy a Zeus on pistol round. Even if it makes no sense. Especially if it makes no sense.

If I say “one bullet, one kill,” expect exactly 12 bullets and zero kills.

I will ping danger repeatedly, but I have no idea why.

I main decoys. Don’t ask.

I sometimes run full utility buys just to see if I can make cool smoke art in spawn.

If I say “I’ve got bomb,” there is a 70% chance I am nowhere near the bomb.

I will call for a “full save” and then immediately buy an AWP.

Knife fights are legally binding duels in my mind — if you shoot me during one, I will hold that grudge forever.

If we’re losing, I will queue “Roundabout” on the radio and walk everywhere in slow motion.

My clutch strategy involves confusing the enemy by confusing myself.

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ADDING ME

- I only accept friend requests from people I know personally, people I owe money to, or people who have a suspiciously high number of hours in CS:GO and zero recorded wins.

- If your profile picture is an anime character holding an AWP, I’m legally required to accept you out of respect.

- Spam my comments and I will respond exclusively with copy-pasted CS:GO patch notes from 2014.

- I don’t sign profiles. Unless you ask. Then I will. But it will be in Comic Sans.

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TRADING RULES

- I don’t trade knives unless you’re willing to offer your dignity and a convincing reason why you deserve it.

- I’m mostly looking for CS:GO skins that cost less than the average vending machine snack.

- If you send me a trade offer for “just a sticker,” I will send you a sticker IRL with “No” written on it.

- Yes, I will overpay for things I want. No, you will never know what those things are.

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ABOUT ME

- Age: Old enough to remember when CS:GO skins were actually affordable.

- Education: Majored in Alt-Tabbing.

- Job: Full-time “AFK in casual while watching YouTube” specialist.

- Religion: Believes in karma, but only when it’s headshotting the guy who knifed me last round.

- Favorite Movies: The round-ending kill cam.

- Favorite Books: Chat logs where someone tries to explain why they lost despite being bottom frag.

- Favorite Food: Dust II mid doors.

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MY GAMING HISTORY

- First gaming memory: Reloading in the middle of a firefight and wondering why I died.

- First PC: Ran CS:GO at a crisp 17 FPS, downhill.

- Was a CS:GO server admin once — my main skill was accidentally banning myself.

- Played competitive CS:GO until I realized it’s basically just competitive anger management.

- Specializes in dying first so the team can “play for picks.”

- Currently focusing on collecting useless Steam achievements like they’re Pokémon cards.