So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

While we were there, I discovered one of there most thrilling looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET before you actually start going down the water slide. Me being a thrill seeker of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "Thats uncomfortable as ♥♥♥♥, Im not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass so fast I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with ♥♥♥♥, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of ♥♥♥♥♥♥ water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ clean after that!

Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

So the other day, I was playing rainbow six siege, and I heard one of my teammates named aspect made a callout in the voice chat. It was a real life gamer boy. God, I kid you not, I just stopped playing and started GOONING.. I was yelling in voice chat. I just wanted to hear his voice again. “Please,” I moaned. But he left the lobby. I was crying, drenched. But I remembered that I could find recent teammates in the ubiplay friends tab. I frantically closed down siege and opened the tab, to find out he had TTV IN HER NAME!!! He was streaming, and only had 100 viewers!!! The competition was low, so I made the first move and donated my months rent to him. I was already about to explode. He read my donation in the chat. God this is the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I did a little research, and found out where he goes to school, but I am a little nervous to talk to him in person, and need support. Any advice before my Uber gets to his middle school?

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