Recent reviews by Goober Mensch

Why are my pants covered in semen?

When you sneeze in Vietnam and the Bush says bless you

Playing the game is like trying to drive a bus with your flaccid dong.







10/10 would rotate my ship at the speed of a rock

Simply amazing DLC to end the series. The sights and loot you'll find are both original and reminisciant to the other Souls games. And as we've all come to expect from the series: you will die...ALOT. Also the OST is 10x more godlike here. The final boss fight also sends the series off right. No reason you shouldn't get this DLC.

You can bang Tali in this one so that's good

It's a pretty good game and it really shows how far the franchise has come from Demon's Souls. It's what we've all come to expect from a polished souls game. Though I feel like this one is the easiest out of all of the Souls games as it gives you sooooo many bonfires and it also relies heavily on already established lore from Dark Souls 1 while Dark Souls 2 established its own lore. Other than that pretty good game.

I like this game, I really do. My only problem with it is that there's not enough content. The "story" can be finished within 8 hours or less depending on how good you are. The recent expansion "Downfall" added at least 5 more hours to it but once you do it once, you've seen all the game has to offer. Multiplayer is a must for this game since playing by yourself gets boring so it's reccommended to group up even with the randoms you find throughout the world. If the game had a longer story, less bugs, less lag, and more content then I'd give it a positive review. But it's just lacking here. I'ma have to give it a 4/10

Entered random match
Bowed
Used the Jian
Won
Got called Trash
Game is dead

10/10 Would play again

After finishing the book that this game (and trilogy by that extent) was inspired by, I got the urge to return to 100% the trilogy and to just replay the games because I had such fond memories of them on the 360.
So, for the first game in the lineup to be a lovingly remastered version of a game from 2010, it sets a great first impression for anyone jumping into the series for the first time. Gameplay and survival mechanics are solid and I've always loved the way the game immerses you in the world with a variety of features like the gas mask and filter system, the currency being bullets that you can either use or spend at merchants, and the way Artyom's watch serves as a way to tell how much time you have left on your filter, if you're in direct light, and to tell the time set on your PC (which I always think is kinda cool).
The only problems I had when replaying this game that I don't remember being such an issue back when I first played it is the game not allowing you to switch between windowed, borderless, and fullscreen. Another issue I had was random crashes and crashes that happened if I did something ingame (I interacted with a pile of ammo on one of the later chapters and it ALWAYS crashed my game for seemingly no reason).
Other than those issues, it's a charming game that'll give you a good amount of hours of fun

Jesus: The Videogame