havent been there lately ngl life is going really good pretty cool but something not so cool happend and i also felt like telling about stuff here

so first of all i have been diagnosed with mild case schizophrenia or smth like that
the doctor said "schizophrenic personality smth smth"
and explained that its very mild but it may progress later in life
i was a little disappointed and sad cuz i thought i was autistic but good to know that there is indeed something that explains my behaviour
told my mom and she handled it well and didnt treated me differently which is both good and bad cuz i still have some quirks that needs to be respected

in any way im feeling fine almost finished college we have about 4 more months to go and i will be a certified carpenter

my friends doing fine too
they have moved from my city cuz college and academies and stuff
we still chat much online and meetup irl sometimes
i hope they stay here for the summer so we could hang out and stuff

but there is a little thing that bothers me alot
there are fighter jets and planes flying above my city and they are really loud and i fear that something is happening near where i live

i really hope the war ends soon and i would be able to go outside less feared

next thing that changed is my diet
i now decided to eat less spicy stuff and less fats cuz my stomach feels funky after them
also im trying my best to not overeat in one sitting
i still have no idea why i feel that im full so late that it makes me dizzy
but yeah my guts now feeling fine and well

also trying really hard to keep a some sort of routine (i hate that word it sounds bad but i have none that would sound better) so that i would be a bit more organised and stuff

for now its just some morning stuff like washing my face and brushing my teeth and maybe some skincare in the evening
its a little but better than nothing

also i really want to shower more frequently but my mom says something "again?! y showered like 3-4 days ago" and she is kinda right but showering makes me feel good and cool and like really relaxing afterwards

also its easter soon and i wasnt really doing any holidays so i think i will do something cool on easter
maybe i will bake a cake or smth
i always wanted to bake smth but i dont know how to use an oven

also i got a new laptop
its quite better than my last one but still not really intended for game playing
but pretty much all things i play give me decent frames
especially noita now runs well and now i can play with my friends
also i moved the ssd from the last one to the new one and changed the fan on a new one cuz it chipped or smth and started to rattle
but my mom was kida mad at me for disassembling my laptop cuz warranty or smth
i barely care about it cuz i know that if something happens i can do it myself easily

the next thing is that i have pets now
not sure if i said it already
i had some rats and they multiplied very rapidly and now i have even more rats
they are cool but their claws are really sharp and pretty much every time i play with them i get scratches all over my hands
the momma rat licks me every time i take her out and im not sure if its because the hand soap smelling fruity or that she likes me

also i got back into electronics and stuff
did much soldering and unsoldering
also fixed the middle button on my mouse felt really cool

im constantly telling my friends that the spring/summer vibes are kicking in and i like summer vibes
much cool stuff happend to me in summer
but not so cool stuff happend too but its all good cuz life cant always be cool things

i also decided to study more drawing things so i could draw better
especially digitally cuz drawing with my mouse if a bit hard and i have no budget for a drawing tablet and i still will need to learn stuff
so for now i practice on paper mostly to remember all the things i learned before and then i will practice more digitally

also i found my old notebook with some sketches ( i thought i lost it forever ;-;) and i was kinda amazed cuz alot of stuff out there was pretty good and it kinda inspired me to keep going

im feeling kinda lonely though cuz i cant hang out with friends much and i dont have any new friends
i thought of finding a boyfriend but i kinda want to wait for a while so that the war would end and like the government change and being gay would be less marginalised and stuff
or maybe move to a different country (i really want to move to germany it sounds really cool)
so basically im coping it with plushies and online chatting (last one is pretty rare im not a big fan of chatting with random people)

im not sure what else to tell here



TL;DR - im doing good having fun eating well

hope u all doing good and caring of urself and others
wont post for a while cuz i told pretty much everything i had

it was a long time since i post stuff out here, lots of stuff happend.

here i will tell u all the important stuff that was happening with me.
there r some good and bad parts depends on how u look at it

ahem
lets start from the earliest thing i can remember
my art and music skills seem to improve in some degree (as some people say) its pretty good news to me
im still learning japanese and getting pretty good at it (at least not getting worse)

on the other hand

i had some panic attacks when i was at college
twice in total of two weeks
from that moment i stoptd going there and was recomended to wisit some specialists
a nice psychologist lady helpd me alot
she seemd very very nice
we talkd about stuff that bothers me
another lady gave me pill prescription so that i will stress less at college

and
uhm
its neither a bad thing
nor really good

i broke up with my gf
well its more like she break up with me
as i understood she was concerned that she cant fulfill my needs and also was moving to another city

so she decide a not really good plan of distancing from me so i wont feel as bad as if she just straight up tell me we break up
but she didnt knew it would be better if she just tell me straight without any silly plans

we talkd it through and ended up on being just distant friends
we cry alot (well im not really sure how long she were crying but i cried alot for sure)

it was a nice first relationship for her (i think) it was pretty healthy (maybe beside me craving lots of attention cuz im weird and probably on a spectrum)

i wish her all good things i can imagine and that she could find a nice boy like me who will love her as much as i did

and i kinda worry about finding myself new bf (i think being with a boy suits me better)
it was pretty hard to find her cuz im very awkward when it comes to forming friendship and stuff
and counting nowadays laws in my country and that nearly all gay people live in big cities (as i think i already said i live in small town some time earlier) its gona be pretty hard for me to find nice cute cuddly boy who can pay enough attention to me

at the end i wana say
it was a nice relationship
i learnd alot of good stuff from her and about myself (seems like im very supportive too)
i wish all people who read this a nice life full of joy and happy moments

with love:
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Me (as usual)

i skipd a day of writing stuff out there and now i have more stuff to say!

also today happend lots of stuff
some cool some less

ahem
yesterday i startet soldering (my dad found out i like to disassemble electronics and he gave me the soldering thingy and all the needed things) it was really fun and cool but i burnt my hand a bit

today was pretty much the same but this time i mastered it a bit and it was smoother and even cooler

also today i had a "serious talk" (thats how i usually name it) with my gf

she tend to tell me some self-toxic stuff about herself like "im worthless" "im a bad partner" and such stuff

and cuz it hurted me maybe more than it hurted her i finally decided to tell her that its bad to tell such stuff

we had a pretty long half-monologue (it was mostly me texting that she is cool and that she should not think such stuff about herself) and she gave me (read as "i askd her for") SIX (6) pinky promises (i have massive trust issue or smth llike that) to wake up next morning and talk some good words to herself in the mirror

also earlier that day i told her that i dont really like all the sexy stuff she does with me (i did not gave my consent to participate in it (im a bit too shy to say if i am (i know that its not really good im trying my best))) and she was really sorry about all the stuff she did

i said that its oke to make mistakes and that im oke and there is no need to be sorry

also i askd her to do such stuff ONLY when i say "yes" and when im fully consented

and that when i say "i want cuddles" that means that maximum she can go is belly rubs and kisses (in the lips (no tongue))

and i had a somewhat serious talk with my friend

he was concerned that sometimes he feel something like anger when he talk with people he know (me too)

we talkd about it and he said it helpd a bit (at least with me)

also i overate both of those days but this time it was less harsh (i just felt a lil discomfort in my tummy)

also my chewy thingy is a bit wearing off (the lil bumps that make cool noise when i run my teeth on them is apparently tearing off) and it makes me sad a bit

thats pretty much all for those two days

"I will release ouroboros" (c) Albert Whesker
image of Albert Whesker[www.pinterest.com]
- my gf (i askd her to say smth to put out there)

if u out there wanting to help me somehow or just say some words to me u can dm me or maybe comment my posts and tell me something good (i would love this)

it seems like my inspiration does not run out and, actually, writing stuff out there feels kinda cool

so i decided to write a bit more about myself so i could find out if it feels good cuz i write about me and my life or just because i write stuff

ahem
as i already told its a high chance that i might have some sort of mental illnes or ilnesses

its a bit hard to describe me by myself so i askd my gf what differs me from other people

as she said "You act pretty normal but you are prone to trembling and you dislike verbal communication sometimes"

i can agree with that but i personally cant tell if i tremble or smth that way

it sometimes feel like im two persons in one body

like
sometimes i can be really energetic and talk with people alot and do random stuff that feels cool or smth

and like
sometimes i feel really bad and sad, even crying sometimes (nearly every time it happens) and with this stuff i usually get bad thoughts as a bonus

i dont really want to talk about those thoughts

also sometimes i have a something like a voice in my head

he tells me some good words that supposedly meant to help like: "its ok" "its not ur fault" "u doing really good" "dont worry about it" "everything will be alright" and stuff like that

it is really helping me, it helpd me to stop harming myself

also i tend to "tick" sometimes, i shudder once in a while (about once per 1-2 days) i cant really controll it and if i try to not to "tick" i feel kida weird

also i found out recently i do something calld "stimming" (i have a cool chewy thingy that i occasionally chew, sometimes i rhythmically shake my limbs, smack my lips, rock on chairs and such stuff)

i really like plush toys and pins/badges (i have smol plush shark and alot of pins with kitties)

i somtimes struggle with people's pronounces and tend to mispronounce them and sometimes myself (i usually try to use gender neutral pronouns for everyone)

i really like cuddles and i wish it was normal to cuddle with people u dont date (like friends, colleague, classmates) and cuz my country is really homophobic (it has laws against lgbtq+ people) i fear to cuddle with people in public (same with my gf)

also i really like helping people with stuff like math and computer science
(i randomly learnd html while trying to help my friend with his homework) they usually say im really good at it but i dont think so (my skills r pretty average i just learn really fast)

im actually studying woodworking at my local academy (i really like it) but its a bit hard for me do go there cuz there r lots of people that sometimes tell stuff about my appearance and clothes (i have really long hair and glasses)

i think this will be enough for today's post

if u out there wanting to help me somehow or just say some words to me u can dm me or maybe comment my posts and tell me something good (i would love this)

i made this group purely impulsively and may post stuff out there just for fun or something serious like if it was my diary

i will write a bit of info out there so u could understand who tf am i (if u even care)

ahem
im an about 18 y.o. he/him, kinda non-binary, bisexual dude who suffers from some sort of mental condition (i have no idea wtf is this and its pretty dangerous to go to a doctor in my country with such symptoms)

had some suicidal thoughts earlier in life (and still have those happen time to time) also did some self harm as a bonus(i hope it wont happen again anymore)

i have some sort of trust issues, cant really look in people's eyes, really shy about many things, scared of loud sounds, dont really like to interact with
random people and maybe something more

i have a beautiful cute and really supportive girlfriend who really helps me with my mental struggles (we really love eachother) i really like to cuddle with her and she, as she said "really touch starved" but cant be with me more often cuz of her conservative parents (they r really religious and think that gay/trans/any other lgbtq+ people r bad)

i live in kinda poor family (its not that bad) my mother helps me alot sometimes and my father... well, he lives with us but i nearly never communicate with him

one of my life goals is to become a somewhat popular streamer so i could do stuff i like but with people gazing at me doing it / socializing with people without much interaction / support others who struggle in life (i cant do it rn cuz my setup is very trash and my internet is slower than carrying data manually)

i really like art of any sort (music, painting, digital art, performance art and such stuff) and often dream about becoming a good painter/musician

i started learning japanese recently and i really like it (im doing pretty good) there is no particular reason behind it, i just like to learn stuff and japanese is pretty similar to language i know (like pronunciations and such)

if u out there wanting to help me somehow or just say some words to me u can dm me or maybe comment my posts and tell me something good (i would love this)