"That's a lot of nuts!"

Welcome to hell.

We are Kell's "Danger Close" Mercenaries (as seen on PC Gamer), a clan of basement-dwelling boomers and crotch goblins who somehow still suck at the games that we obsessively play. We're only half-decent at MechWarrior Online, and even then, we can still only manage to achieve a maximum of seventh place in the world before we cut our Cinderella run short to go on our semiannual group vacation.

We were originally two separate gaming clans called the Inner Sphere Mercenary Outfit and Kell’s Commandos, but unfortunately for the rest of the civilized world, we merged in 2020 to create a group of braindead CQC zombies the likes of which the world has never seen. Since the foundation of our clan, we have accomplished pretty much nothing of note besides pissing PGI administration off in the name of trans rights. We are Big Trans, and we are always watching.

On that topic, we take our DEI program very seriously here at KDCM. By our current estimates, our clan members are 102% gay with a 2% margin of error. In addition, we currently have a plethora of other marginalized people on standby, such as transgenders, first-generation immigrants, and firefighters. One day, we will have the full Infinity Gauntlet of minorities, and a single snap will be able to turn half of the universe into rainbow-colored dust.

While we are based in Arizona, we’re scattered across the world and have members on every continent (we think). We don’t usually game together in person, although we do plan to set up a LAN room soon in the basement of one of our members. Remember that one scene from South Park where Cartman takes a ♥♥♥♥ on a plate while playing World of Warcraft? Now imagine all the players in that basement with mullets and walrus mustaches drinking Mellow Corn instead of Red Bull and you'll have a pretty good idea what it’ll be like.

In all seriousness, we like to joke around and play games, but at the end of the day, we're a friend group before a gaming clan for all that entails. We're passionate, we're kind, and we have each other's backs no matter what. At the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

Oh, look at what you've just stepped in, John. Someone go grab a stick!