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The Lazarus (Tesla Stirke/Craft) 7 Slots

Introducing: The Lazarus! (It's Probably Fine.)
Greetings, astute purveyor of orbital curiosities! Are your current spacecraft lacking that certain je ne sais quoi? Perhaps that spark of utterly improbable, yet curiously effective, defiance against the cold, uncaring void? Then jettison your sensible expectations, because you, my friend, have stumbled upon the intergalactic equivalent of finding a perfectly brewed cup of tea in the middle of a supernova. We present, with a flourish that might just crack a pane of safety glass: The Lazarus!

Yes, The Lazarus. Named not, as some might assume, for its ability to miraculously return from the dead (though we've seen stranger things, frankly), but rather because its very existence seems to defy all known principles of logical design and sensible manufacturing. It's a Tesla ship, you see, meaning it quite delightfully zaps things. With Tesla projectiles. Because nothing says "we mean business" quite like a sudden, unexpected, and thoroughly electrifying discharge of energy from a vessel that really shouldn't be capable of such things.

The Design: Built for Comfort (and Very Little Speed)
Now, you might be peering at its rather... generous proportions and wondering, "Was this vessel perhaps designed by someone with a deep, abiding love for comfortable seating and possibly a fondness for large portions?" And to that, we say, with utmost professional candor: absolutely! The Lazarus was conceived, brought forth, and polished to a gleaming, somewhat bulbous perfection by our esteemed Elderly Ergonomics & Aesthetic Appeal Division, comprised entirely of highly experienced, magnificently obese older women. They firmly believe that a combat vessel, much like a well-appointed living room, should offer ample space, a comforting silhouette, and absolutely no sharp edges one might trip over after a hearty meal. This focus on interior spaciousness (and the convenient placement of emergency biscuit dispensers) has, admittedly, resulted in a somewhat... stately exterior. It doesn't so much "fly" as it "arrives eventually, with considerable momentum."

The Gunners: Small Hands, Big Dreams!
"But who," you might gasp, "could possibly operate such a magnificent, if somewhat rotund, marvel of electrical warfare?" Ah, here's where we truly embraced unconventional recruitment! Our gunnery stations are manned by a squadron of highly motivated, incredibly nimble, and profoundly comic-book-obsessed children. They possess an unparalleled enthusiasm for dramatic pronouncements ("Taste the lightning, evildoer!"), an uncanny ability to spot enemy weaknesses they've read about in Amazing Xylosian Adventures #37, and hands small enough to reach all the buttons without accidentally activating the emergency self-destruct (mostly). Their strategic insights are often delivered in shouts of "Just like when Captain Comet used the Flux-Capacitor Barrage!" It's delightfully chaotic, surprisingly effective, and keeps our emergency chocolate rations surprisingly safe.

The AI: A Triumph of Fortunate Promotion
And the brain behind the beauty? While lesser ships rely on predictable, purpose-built intelligences, the Lazarus is piloted by an AI with a truly rags-to-riches story. Its core programming was sourced from a highly persistent, somewhat dusty, old Roomba cleaning machine from the corporate breakroom. Yes, that little disc-shaped marvel of domestic perseverance. Through a series of utterly baffling and statistically improbable events – involving a spilled coffee, a rogue power surge, and what can only be described as cosmic whimsy – it spontaneously achieved sentience and, with an extraordinary stroke of luck, passed the required AI aptitude tests (mostly by repeatedly bumping into the "correct" answer).

This AI, affectionately known as "Dusty" (though it prefers to be called "Omni-Sanitation Directive"), approaches combat with the singular, unyielding determination of a vacuum cleaner trying to reach a particularly stubborn dust bunny under a sofa. It plots courses based on optimal "coverage patterns," tries to "polish" enemy shields (with Tesla projectiles, naturally), and issues tactical advisories like, "Obstacle detected. Re-evaluating path. Bumping sequence initiated." It's not always graceful, but it is relentless. And remarkably clean.

So, if you're seeking a vessel that defies all expectations, embraces the delightfully improbable, and can deliver a thoroughly electrifying punch while slowly but surely getting the job done, then the Lazarus is your ship! It's got robust zapping power, surprisingly comfortable crew quarters, and an AI that’s genuinely, if bafflingly, living its best life.

Why settle for boring, predictable victory when you can have an utterly bewildering, electrifying triumph? Take the leap. Acquire the Lazarus. What's the worst that could happen? (Don't answer that.)

Stat Time

Cost Credits 2.065.368
Iron 39.204
Neonite 234.184

Hull 253.16 k hp
shield 115.42 k hp
Blocks 8715
Crew 199

Acceleration 98 m/s
Deceleration 69.1 m/s
Max velocity 879 m/s

Yaw 1 rad/s
pitch 1 rad/s
Roll 1.03 rad/s

Hyperspace cooldown 104.9 s
Hyperspace Reach 7.7 sctrs

Req. Energy 61.88 GW (with Turrets installed)
Generated Energy 107.48 GW
storable energy 101 GJ

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