Hi Billy Mays here. If A**holes drive you crazy, don’t get frustrated get Billy Mays. That’s right. I’m gonna kill just about anything; even your dog so you don’t have to. But it gets even better. Billy Mays uses innovative tools to get the job done like The Ultimate Ladder; 8 ladders in one. I use it for pulling the trigger up high or for picking off a**holes down low. And because Billy Mays is the ultimate marksman, Billy Mays has the muscle to kill anything up to 50000ft away. Now if I’m working up high, I can work 360 degrees. This is perfect. I can put my M95 here. Or if I need leverage, I could drill a giant hole into someone’s head and I can leverage myself. I’m not going anywhere. Step up in safety Terry. You want me to come up while you’re up there? Yes B****. Both at the same time. Is it gonna hold us? HELL NO! Now I’m 250(lbs). Well that makes me 50. F*** NO! Y’know what? You’re about 80000 lbs. Well y’know what? We’re a little bit over the limit but- (Ladder breaks)
Ow F*** my a$$. This ladder is not stable. No S***. (Bleep)

Take a look at this. Now I have a full size 12ft extension ladder. I can get up to a second story window, I can climb into the bedroom in the middle of the night then simply slice the A**hole’s neck with a knife with stealth. Now here’s where the V in vagina comes in, OK? Now I unclick it. Now, I have a workstation and… sex station and it’s perfect for 2 people. Come on up here. OK. Terry you will love this; take a look at this C**k. Billy this is amazing. I wanna show you a couple other uses for it, OK? Get down on you hands and knees the old fashioned way. Into your mouth I go. (Banging) Oh yeah. My C**k is perfect for putting up stencils and things like-. Oh, how about you get on my end and we put the curtains up? Now that’s what I’m talking about. (More banging and bleep)

If you’re mentally challenged, don’t get frustrated get Billy Mays to fix you. Watch as my powerful DC Snowboard boots kick the assburgers from outta the head. This is so awesome Billy. Y’know, I’m just getting started here, I’ll kick that A**hole in. Uh huh. (Kicking sounds and bleep)

And when Billy Mays is done, clean up’s a breeze because I use brand new polishing clothes with all the power of pure orange oil. For fingerprints, dust, grime; they leave an incredible shine and a fresh orange scent. And look; it’s like Billy Mays was never there. But it gets even better. As a special bonus, Billy Mays flies up to 13000ft to S**t all over the A**hole and their entire family. I have 5000 lbs of s**t in my a$$ right now; ready to go. Now that’s what I call a torrential downpour. Call now and you’ll get Billy Mays for only $19.99. But I’m not done yet. If you got a hot mom, call me right now and I’ll penetrate your mom with confidence. I haven’t had sex in a year. I’m sexually frustrated. Moms I need you in my bed right now. But I’m not done yet. Billy Mays can do more than simply f**k you. I’ll clean your entire house, I’ll cook burgers for you, I’ll wipe you’re a$$ so you don’t have to. Whatever the situation, I’ll get the job done because I wanna be with you. But I’m not done yet. Call right now and I’ll this the best deal on TV and send you the innovative tools I use to kill A**holes so you can do it yourself. You get it all. The Ultimate Ladder, M95, DC Snowboard Boots and Orange Glo Polishing Cloths; all for just $19.99. But you gotta call now. Here’s how to order.

They say a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. I’m standing right on the hinge here. Take- (Ladder breaks) Ow F**k my balls. This ladder is not stable. Terry go drill you’re a$$ with The Awesome Auger.