Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I know my wife cheats on me. Every time i get home the parrot says "Quick, out the window!"

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I asked him, 'Who said you could fool around with my wife?' He said, 'Everybody.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, 'All kids smell that way.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me,
“What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!