Substitute 4th Grade Teacher = Gamers
The students are reading a small article from "Time for Kids" on video games. So, I take a poll of what the favorite games are and what they play on. I then start talking about the games they picked, categorizing them and talking about how they have developed. We get to Minecraft.

Student #1: Wait, wait. How do you know what Minecraft is?
Me: Because I am a PC gamer, and I play a lot of games.
Student #2: What's a PC?
Me: It's a computer that is not a Mac.
Student #1: So, you play a lot of games?
Me: Yeah.
*students are shocked, then ask me what some of my favorites are*
Student #3: How long have you been playing games?
Me: How many of you have used Microsoft Word?
*they all raise their hands"
Me: How many of you have saved a document?
*they all raise their hands again*
Me: That symbol for "save" is of a floppy disk. It used to be used instead of CD-ROMS for programs and data storing. My first game was a "Tom and Jerry" one on a floppy back in 1994.
Student #3: What's a CD-ROM?
Me: ..... (mentally, I am introducing my face to my palm).


6th Period Anatomy and Physiology = Females vs Males
I overhear a student telling her friends about the trouble she is having with getting her boyfriend to take her to prom.

Me: What's the problem, %$^&#?
Student: I asked my boyfriend to prom, and he won't take me. (She pronounced "asked" as "axed")
Me: You "axed" him to prom?
Student: Yeah, I asked (axed) him to prom.
Me: You "axed" him?

We proceed to have this back and forth, with me continuing to emphasize "axed" with each repetition. Finally, I realize she isn't picking up on the hint.

Me: So, should I call the cops?
Student: What?
Me: At least tell me what kind of ax you used. It will help in the investigation.
Student: Oh!! Sorry, I "asked" him to prom.
Me: There we go. Now, how did you ask him?
Student: I asked him what he thought about prom.
Me: Oh, sweetie, there is the problem. With males, you have to be direct. They don't know how to read between the lines. What you need to do is walk up to him and say "please take me to prom." Better yet, leave out the please and tell him he needs to take you to prom.

The next day the student comes in and gives me a hug.
Student: Thanks, Miss %^*&@! He is taking me to prom!
Me: You're very welcome. What happened?
Student: I went up to him after school and I said, "My science teacher told me to tell you to take me to prom because I want to go." He said "alright" and he bought the tickets today.


Biology Class EOC Prep = Bear Poking
I spent two weeks making these very thorough, yet brief, cram packets for the 22 standards that show up on the Biology EOC. I went many nights with little to no sleep during that time. And I did this so that my students had an extra tool to help ensure they pass the EOC. During the time leading up to the EOC, and the time after we revisited these packs often. In fact, I let them use them on their semester final and even wrote the final from the packets. We had reviewed a few of the standards at this point, and all the answers are in these cram packets. Had they used these packets to study for the tests leading up to the EOC, to study for the EOC, and to study for the final, they should be able to answer me. They weren't. Finally, I got fed up and this is the resulting conversation.

Me: *flustered and on the verge of a combination of anger and tears* I can't believe you!
Student #1: What do you mean?
Me: I bet none of you looked at those packets I made you. Do you realize how much time and effort I put into those? And that I did it for all of you? I was worried about you, and I wanted to make sure I prepared you properly and that you could have all you could going into that EOC! I lost sleep over those packets. And you haven't even used them!
Student #2: How do you know we didn't?
Student #3: Yeah, how do you know some of us didn't use them?
Me: Well, for starters, you would be able to answer all the questions I am asking you now quickly and confidently.
Student #2: Miss %^*&@, you know we don't pay that much attention.
Me: The second reason I know you haven't is because no one has said anything about the jokes, pictures, or memes I put in them.
Student #1: That's because they weren't funny Miss %^*&@. They were kind of cheesy.

The room suddenly goes quiet, and they all look at the student. Some of the students look on the verge of laughing, and others have big "O's" for mouths. I am staring, mouth agape at the student, and blink a few times. The student smiles uncomfortably and I finally am able to respond.

Me: *in a near screech* They were supposed to be cheesy! That way, in the middle of the EOC, you are like, "Wait, this is about cloning! That was from the same packet as that joke about the woman cloning her husband!"Then, you remember the information!
Student #1: Miss %^*&@, calm down. It's OK. A lot of us did look at the packets, despite what you think. We just didn't find the jokes funny. We know you were trying to help us. Just like with all those weird songs from the year.
Student #4: Yeah, like the cell song. Cells, cells, they're made of organelles.
Student #5: Or that Valentine's day science song you made us watch.

I am staring at my class, feeling betrayed. My lips were pursed and my eyes narrowed a little. They smiled at me, and one student patted my hand.

Student #6: Miss %^*&@, it's ok. You're a nerd, and we love you.


Biology Class = Immune System
The students are taking notes, and I explain and provide visual aids after they have a chance. I get really excited about biology and really animated, and easily frustrated when they are struggling. I try to make things as obvious as possible. After a few minutes, I am leaning over my lab bench trying to figure out another way to explain something when an interesting exchange occurs:

Student #1: Miss @$#+&, you are just too smart for us.
Me: .......... *stands up with a stunned look, mouth moving like a fish, struggling to respond for several awkward (for me) minutes.*
Student #2: Would you rather have a dumb teacher?
Student #1: I mean, she just is so smart it's hard to understand her sometimes.
Student #2: Miss #@$+&#, are you OK?
Me: I don't know how to take that. I mean...
Student #3: Oh, she meant it as a compliment. It didn't sound like it, but she did.


English III Class and Sonnets
Shakespeare is required at all secondary levels of English in Florida schools, yet the students still struggle. I bought a book called "Pop Sonnets" to help the kids, as it takes really popular songs and turns them into Shakespearean sonnets. The students had to analyze five of Shakespeare's sonents, and five of these. The kids suspected with "Single Ladies," but weren't sure, and then they knew what I was doing with "All About That Bass." But one song continued to confuse them. Here are some of the lines of the sonnet: "The game of love we intimately know-/ its laws and maxims mastered by our hearts/ thus, I propose to be thine only beau... that never shall I vacate from thy side/ nor ever shall I disappoint thee hence..." The students still had no idea. So, I played this video on my SMARTBoard. I completely underestimated my students pop culture awareness, and my practical joke meant for them completely and utterly failed. Apparently, they don't do this to each other anymore. If you would like to read the sonnet in it's entirety, please go here [popsonnet.tumblr.com].