Quick Question. Who here knows what a Chicago Sunroof is?

True story. Back home, there was this guy named Chet. Now, Chet was a real ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. He might have owed me some money. He might have slept with my wife...before she became my ex-wife. The details don't matter. Suffice it to say, I was wronged.

All right. So one summer evening, I was out having a few drinks, one or two, maybe three. You get the picture. And who do I see? Chet. He drove up and he double-parked outside a Dairy Queen and went in to get some soft serve. Now, Chet drove -- And this will give you an idea of exactly what kind of a douche bag this guy was -- drove a white pearlescent BMW 7 Series with white leather interior. So I saw that thing and I had (had) a few, like I said. And... I climbed up top and I may have...defecated...through the sunroof.

Not my finest hour, I'll grant you that. But that's what a Chicago Sunroof is. Now you know. It's a real thing. I didn't make it up. I'm not the first person to do it. There's a name for it.

Guy wanted some soft serve, I gave him some soft serve. I did not know that his children were in the backseat. There was a level of tint on the windows that I'll maintain to this day was not legal in a Illinois licensed vehicle. But somehow, that's on me, I guess. Who leaves two Cub Scouts in a double-parked car with the engine running? Come on.

Now, Chet was connected, see? Like Cicero, connected. So usually I'd be looking at malicious mischief, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, maybe. But he's got the DA saying indecent exposure. Calling me a sex offender. What? One little Chicago Sunroof and suddenly I'M CHARLES MANSON???

AND THAT'S WHERE IT ALL WENT OFF THE RAILS. I've been paying for it ever since. THAT'S WHY IM HERE!!!!