real cheese fact #1: cheese was developed in 1804 by john cheese, who created cheese

real cheese fact #2: the democratic republic of the congo has fought no fewer than 3 civil wars over cheese. this number is hotly debated, as the congolese jungle is an environment naturally hostile to both cheese and air surveillance.

real cheese fact #3: in 1653, a cart-driver lost a wheel outside of a farm in Indiana. the farmer, taking pity on him, sculpted a temporary replacement out of cheese, thus creating the first known cheese wheel.

real cheese fact #4: richard nixon once falsely claimed that cheese is "the blood of the irish". cheese is actually the blood of new zealand natives.

real cheese fact #5: on august 11th, 2004, cheese appeared outside of a marriott in new york city. there were 347 casualties.

real cheese fact #6: muenster is so named for its large feet.

real cheese fact #7: [redacted]

real cheese fact #8: while vacationing in estonia in 1976, barack obama is rumored to have claimed that the local men smelled "of very fine brie". the validity of this claim is questionable.

real cheese fact #9: a 3x3x3 meter enclosure as measured from inside

real cheese fact #10: the bible omits the fact that cain slew abel over a spool of cheese rather than brotherly jealousy.

real cheese fact #11: when immersed fully in nitroglycerin, cheese gives off a pleasant aroma similar to eucalyptus.

real cheese fact #12: consisting of one (1) meter of solid concrete, ten (10) centimeters of lead,

real cheese fact #13: friday the 13th is considered unlucky due to an ancient superstition in the british isles. this superstition states that a cheese vendor cursed all of england on a friday the 13th when he awoke to find that his cheese had been eaten by a swarm of starving macedonian children who escaped from a slaver's ship and broke into his shop overnight. they also rearranged his wine collection, for reasons unclear.

real cheese fact #14: the gold rush at the end of the 19th century was a fluke; the first so-called "prospector" actually stumbled upon a centuries-old store of cheese left behind by an unspecified native american tribe. his misidentification of this "wax gold" led to the subsequent (and coincidental) discovery of actual gold in the area.

real cheese fact #15: and one (1) centimeter of solid steel

real cheese fact #17: michael bay was offered direction of "ps i love you" by universal, but declined, reportedly saying that unless he could add a scene involving explosives rigged to the underside of a charcuterie board, he wasn't interested.

real cheese fact #18: in several eastern european countries, cheese is considered an alcoholic beverage due to its nature as a fermented product and cannot be consumed by those under 18.

real cheese fact #19: failure to maintain structural integrity resulted in a gamma-class breach

real cheese fact #20: the holes in swiss exist so that people can breathe while eating it and to ensure that it is not a choking hazard if taken whole.

real cheese fact #21:

real cheese fact #22: lock all doors and windows and do not exit your home