Recent reviews by The Goop Witch

I write this review on the verge of tears. In an energy drink-spurred late night frenzy of self-hatred and despair.

I do love this game. Armored Core VI: Fires of Rubicon is an incredibly well-made game, a fantastic story, and a beautiful fusion of mechanics, dragged down by the sheer abysmal trash that is the ranking system. When you replay the missions, you get a ranking of D to S, and while the rankings are technically optional, and only "required" for a single achievement, they are baked into the game. They exist within the game to be played by actual human beings, and therefore, they are an intrinsic part of the experience. And let me tell you, I have never regretted anything more than I regret playing this- this- I fail to find words strong enough to convey my utter disdain for this mockery of modern software engineering.

I'd like to mention that I consider myself a very patient person. I have never "raged" at a game before, and I rarely get mad or even frustrated. I've played FromSoftware's other titles and loved them; the Dark Souls series, Bloodborne, and Elden Ring were all incredibly fun and challenging, despite taking me a very long time to beat and get all achievements in. I collect all achievements in many games I play, and while I'm not particularly good at most games, I do enjoy playing them, as I find it rewarding. Most of the time. This is not most of the time.

The Armored Core ranking system not rewarding. It is so fundamentally unfun that I regret having given the developers my money. Not only does the game never tell you how to "S" rank a level, getting the perfect grade, it forces you to replay the exact same bits over and over in hopes that something will change. This leaves players guessing as to what they have to do in order to achieve a perfect rank, replaying the level over and over in various "perfect" ways with the slight chance that it works for one specific level. Because every single level in the game has a different definition of "perfect". I can’t describe it in a way that’ll do it justice. The agony. The incomprehensible frustration. The spiraling descent into madness as you try every possible combination of actions to maybe—just maybe—get that damn “S” rank. And when it doesn't work? You’re doing it all over again, because the game’s design actively tortures you in the name of progress, as if to evoke the cold, soul-crushing realization that it is not the repetitiveness, but the game’s failure to give any useful feedback is the true torment.

This monumental tedium is punctuated by the same ♥♥♥♥♥♥ dialogue lines repeatedly blasting themselves into your ear as if to mock you. My god, the voice lines. No. I can't bring myself to acknowledge a higher power in the same breath as this mundane ♥♥♥♥. The fact that someone has to experience this is proof that there is no god. "Raven, go to the big blue quest marker" they say with the enthusiasm of a brick wall "621, I just ♥♥♥♥ my pants come help me clean it up." with the excitement of a wet mop. "Tourist, wouldn't you rather be doing anything except for this right now?" with all the charisma of a dead trout. And yes. Yes I would rather be doing anything else. I would rather staple my eyelids shut and slam my head into the keyboard for six more hours like the impotent pigs that designed this wretched system must have done. I watched my grandmother get lowered into the ground and it was more enjoyable than this.

The ranking system is so broken, so utterly pointless, so maliciously designed to strip you of your sanity, that by the time you reach a level you should have enjoyed, you’re too broken, too exhausted, to even feel the faintest shred of joy. And that is where Armored Core VI succeeds in its true mission. It’s not a game about fun. It’s a game about suffering. A game designed to see if the human mind can withstand such utter ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, designed to make the players want to tear themselves into piecemeal. It’s a game about pushing you past the limits of human endurance and mental capacity, just to see how far you’ll make it before you undergo rigor mortis, have a seizure at your computer, and ultimately scream, “ENOUGH! I AM DONE!” waking up your roommate at 4:27 in the morning.

So you know what? I am done. I’m done. I don’t want to play it anymore. I’ve wasted enough of my life. I feel like a shell of a woman, a husk, stripped of all hope, all joy, all sanity. The developers can keep their stupid ranking system. I’ll take the corpse of my dignity and my shattered mind elsewhere. I would rather claw my own eyes out than engage with this monstrosity again. Buy this game if you want, but do not try to get the best rankings. Do not subject yourself to this cruel, senseless torment.

No. No... Despite all of this, despite the soul-crushing, rage-inducing nightmare that is the ranking system, the endless repetition, and the auditory abuse of hearing the same damn lines for the hundredth time, you wanna know what I’m going to do? I am going to keep playing. Because, in the end, no matter how much I don't want to, I’m an idiot. A fool. A jester to the hubris of man. I’m forced by my nature to collect every achievement, every trophy, every scrap of virtual validation that this sick, twisted game offers. I need the “S” rank, even though I know it will destroy me. I need those accolades, even though they’ll cost me my sanity and so much more. I’ll keep playing, and I’ll keep suffering through this unbearable pain, because the one thing I can’t quit is the pursuit of that final achievement—the one that will forever mark me as a broken, defeated, achievement-hunting masochist. So yes, I’ll endure it. I’ll grind through it. I’ll keep playing the very game that is trying to break me, because I have to. I have never felt this way about a game before. I have never so adamantly not enjoyed playing that I must continue. But, for reasons beyond my understanding, even though I know how horrible it will be, I gravitate towards the struggle. I am compelled to collect. To achieve that final S rank, even if it is with my last breath in this mortal coil.

So yeah great game but the rankings you need for one achievement are kinda annoying to get.

The 2 hour gay sex scene between Micah and Dutch wasn't long enough :/

it's like a dream...!
so to speak Try Elden Ring

tf2 medic gets demon b*tches

I would sex with all of the characters

Ladies and gentlemen, Colonel PT Chester Whitmore is proud to present
Bung Vulchungo and the Zimbabwe Songbirds!

Do you see banana man?
Hopping over on the white hot sand
Here he come with some for me
Freshly taken from banana tree (one, two, three, four)

Banana man, me want a ton
Give me double and a bonus one
Give me more for all me friends
This banana flow never end

Do you want a banana?
Peel it down and go mm mm mm mmm
Do you want a banana?
This banana for you

Tonight we dance around the flame
Then we get to play the spirit game
Spirit names we shout out loud
Shake the thunder from the spirit cloud
All the songbirds in the tree
Chant a tune to let the spirits free
Then we see them in the night
Spirits jumpin' by the fire light

Do you want a banana? (Do you want a banana)
Peel it down and go mm mm mm mmm
Do you want a banana? (Do you want a banana)
This banana for you

Look you, you're too uptight you know
You can laugh and kick it back and go (wheee!)
But without a rhythm or a rhyme
You do not banana all the time
Fly away from city on the run
Try to make a little fun

Look you come to the bungalow
African't you tell me don't you so
Don't you love the bumping of the drum
Make you shake until the bum go numb
Let the bongo play until you drop
This banana never stop (never stop, never stop)

Forget all your troubles and go with the flow
Forget about whatever you may never know
Like whether whatever you are doing is whatever you should
And whether anything you do is every really any good
And then forget about banana when it sticks in your throat
And when they make you want to bellow but you're stuck in a choke
And you forget about the yellow from the beckoning man
He'll make you take another and make a mock of your plan

Bungalay, bungalo make up your mind and tell me no

(shhhhh)

Well it's nine o'clock and it's getting dark
And the sun is falling from the sky
I've never left so early and you may wonder why

Tomorrow morning on the plane
No banana make you go insane
Floating back to busy town
No banana make you want to frown

Do you want a banana? (Do you want a banana?)
Peel it down and go mm mm mm mmm
Do you want a banana?
This banana for you

Babagaboosh

Hello ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to episode one of Jermacraft, the series where I play Minecraft. This is gonna be a singleplayer let's play and when I say let's play I use that term... pretty loosely because I'm an idiot in this game - you're gonna see lots of fails, you're gonna see lots of triumphs, at least I'm hoping. So go grab yourself a nice hot cup of coffee, hot cup of cocoa. I've got apple cider right here freshly brewed, let me take a sip. *sip* Ah that's good cider.
Alright, so let's get this started - create new world. World name is going to be... JermaCraft! Sounds about right, eh ok... Game mode is going to be suurvii- survival, that's the most interesting I think. More world options- seed for world generator ok this is important! I gotta name this something crazy to get cool structures and stuff. Gonna name it... umm... how about, "DiamondsAreForever". "LOL". "cheese"... uh "BURGAH". Alright, there's- that's our world generator seed, "DiamondsAreForeverLOLcheeseBURGAH"... Done! Alright let's see what happens, create new world let's do it guys. 'Building terrain' oh my god this is so exciting this is episode one! I wonder... I wonder where we're gonna end up... Where are we gonna end up? Ok... what- what? Where the hell am I? I spawned on top of a mountain top! Ok hold on, sound has to be lowered, definitely... Mkay, a lil' bit of that, a lil' bit of that... maybe a little lower! That sounds about right. Alright! So, uh, apparently I spawned on top of a mountain... I kinda- this is a good seed! What's that? We're going to explore it right now - GO! Oh! OHOHO!
Alright we're going to try that again. This time I'm not gonna miss... I wanna get down to tha- that's the home right there, I wanna live right there. Don- I don't even have to explore, see if I can't do this... I gotta, hold on... I got an idea, I got a plan. JermaCraft episode one, this is how we do it! You guys ready? I don't know if you- I don't know if you guys are actually really ready for this! Here we go! I'm going for a skydive. Remember if you hold shift you don't fall off... That's something I didn't know when I used to livestream this game... *wheeze* Ha ha! You guys ready? Ready to go see our new home? HOHOAHOHEHAHAWHEHYHOHA
Alrighty then... What the hell is that? Oh it's an octopus... Look at this little quaint little place... I love it already! Heh heh! Alrighty... So- oh.. *pshhh* I'm so stupid! Y'see I'm- this is why... this is why I'm an idiot guys... y'see, why would I... I need to get wood! And I just jumped off th- ok... Remember this... Where are we, pointing east? I have no idea. Gotta get some trees... That's the most important part of Minecraft you gotta get trees, that's the first thing you gotta get. Lemme take a sip of my apple cider...
*taking a little sippy* Oh that's good stuff! Hopefully you guys picked up a thing of coco like I told you to cause that's the most relaxing thing in the world- sitting down, playing video games... doesn't get much better than that. Ah ok, c'mon now! Oooh, we got sand too! Now, explain this to me alright? Alright I want Notch to send me a personal email, and explain to me why there are cows that are acting like Mountain Lions... I'm gonna kill each one of those cows in just a minute, you watch. Ow... Well at least there's one tree over here... Gotta remember, I gotta go back that way, cause that's where the- the house is gonna be. My awesome dirt house!
So if you are an OLD subscriber, I mean really old, like at least four months ol- month- four... ffweehh four or five months. You'll remember the original JermaCraft it was like two episodes. And I built a dirt house. This is gonna be completely different I'm going to actually spend time... and make some cool stuff. At least that's what I'm pretending that I'm gonna say that. Got some wood... aw I got Geno still from Mario RPG, one of the best games of all time. If you have never played Mario RPG I suggest you play it.
Alright, got some wood, I need more trees over here I can... dig up. I'll get this one too.
One more and we'll make our way back. So I guess they added a hunger feature now too if- if you're hungry, you... you die? ... Or something, I guess? Who knows? Little bit more wood... And in my livestreams I- I was, always a tradition that when I played this game I would sing a song when things got really boring. So that seems like the perfect opportunity right now to sing a song, so uh lemme just prep my vocal chords for a second...
*sips apple cider*
*clears throat*
Ok... So we're getting wood right now right?
*In Jazz Tune* doodoo, doo doo, (kh) doo, (kh) doo, (kh) doooo doo dooo doo doo, (kh) doo, (kh) doo (kh), doooo. We're chopping wood down! (kh) doodoo, doo (kh). Every single day... (kh) doo, (kh) doo, (kh) doooo. I gotta get my tools! (tch) m'doo (kh) Any which way. (tch) doodoo, (kh) doo, (kh) doooo doo doo. I can't seem to reach this stupid piece of wood, so I gotta put some blocks down to get where I should... I'mgonnachopem. (tch) d'dnn, (tch) nhh, (tch) nhhh~ I'm gonna chop right now! nhh, (tch) nhh, (tch) doooonnnh~ doodooonnh~ doon, (tch) doon, (tch)
Alright that's enough... Got it! Let's get the hell outta here!
Yaaay! So those of you that don't think that's gonna be a good spot- you'll see... I'm gonna build that up to be like a castle! So here's the goal... by Christmas time of this year, 2011, I wanna have... a giant castle like as big as that, uhh, that mountain over there... So let's clean this up a little bit. Why don't we huh? Yeah alright, alright! ... Maybe put a little bit of dirt down here... Make sure I can y'know... D- did I really run out of dirt? Wonderful... My first wooden tools. It's just like going to your first day of school... And get, punched in the face by the bully... Speaking of bullies... I got a funny story for you. First ever story on JermaCraft! While I do this mundane stuff.
So... when I was like in the fourth grade, there was a kid that lived down the street from me, his name will- will stay anonymous, because... y'know I don't want him to like- if he watches these videos- I don't want him to come, like, beat me up. Not that he would ever remember this to begin with... but I- I was probably like the fourth grade... And eh, I was a little S-word guys I was a little- I was a little... little jerk when I was younger. So essentially what happened, was- this kid, he was a big, big, fat kid: scary, not very nice. And my brother got in like a fight with him, like a looong time before this v- when I was like the second grade my brother's a little bit older than me... And lemme pick this up. So my brother got in a fight with this kid and... and... and like I heard about it. And so at the bus stop one day, cause we were at the same bus stop because he lives right down the street from us. At leas- at least he did, I don't know if he does anymore. So... I dunno why- I was in the fourth grade this so much of a little jerk I was. So... I dunno why- I was in the fourth grade this so much of a little jerk I was. So my grandmother used to pick me up from school, after I got from the bus stop... Because y'know obviously you don't wanna walk- y'know, the mile and a half back to your house or whatever it is, mile... Cause the bus stop wasn't that close. So my grandma used to pick me up, and he was at the bus stop as well, and one day I decided that out of the back window, I was going to give him a double middle finger, as I was driving with my grandmother one day. I dunno why- I don't even know why I did it guys I can't- I can't tell you one reason why I gave this kid the double middle finger. And from that day forward, he just kinda gave me the w- like a weird look like "What? The hell are you doing?" And from that day forward I would RUN. RUN, as fast as I could to the bus stop, and away to the bus stop where my grandmother was gonna pick me up, and it was like that for almost six months. And he never beat me up or anything li

the

how sex bracken?