The Caesar has marked you for death.
And the legion obeys. Prepare yourself for battle!

I was like a soldier in the boats on the Normandy Landings. But my mission was not to kill Germans. It was to improve the ratings of restaurants in my area and assist my community. It felt like a mission sent from God himself.

I began leaving an obscene amount of reviews, saying things like “Excellent establishment. An institution of the area. Been taking my wife and kids here for years.” I don’t have kids… I don’t even have a girlfriend.

Soon I noticed that each time I left a review, I’d get a surge of excitement, that seemed to travel down into the base of my penis. And that’s how I found myself with Yelp on one monitor, and porn on the other; beating my ♥♥♥♥ into submission while leaving positive Yelp reviews. I’m pretty sure I had a system where leaving one review meant I could beat my ♥♥♥♥ for 10 minutes, but this quickly devolved into just doing both at the same time.

“Great wheelchair access.” “Accomodating wait staff.” “Fast and speedy service”. All while cranking my sad, floppy ♥♥♥♥ like I was whisking an egg. I truly believed that what I was doing was divinely important work - I was a man on a mission, and nothing could stop me.

I did this for 24 hours, give or take. The shame the next day was absolutely palpable. Absolutely soul crushing. Now that I have gotten over the crippling depression, I will be calling my doctor and admit to him that I have been abusing my meds and to cut my script off immediately.

Me on the bottom ^o^

the rot consumes

hotdog