I got a postcard from my friend George. It was a satellite
picture of the entire earth. On the back he wrote, "Wish you
were here."

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I was walking through the forest alone, and a tree feel right in
front of me and I didn't hear it.

I'm learning how to play the harmonica, but the only way I know
how to play is to drive 100 miles per hour and stick the
harmonica out the window. I've been arrested three times for
practicing.

Why is it "A penny for your thoughts" but "you have to put your
two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

I like to tease my plants when I water them. I water them with
ice cubes.

Recently it was my birthday, and I got a humidifier and a
dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it
out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is
all shiny.

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If sometimes you can't hear me, it's because sometimes I'm in
parenthesis.

I bought some powered water, but I don't know what to add.

I'm saving money because I'm planning a trip to Spain. I bought
an album that teaches you the language. You put the album on,
you put headphones on, and you learn the language while you
sleep. The other night the record skipped, and the next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline, you buy
accommodation one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday,
and they bring you back the previous Friday...that way you still
have the weekend

Uh Oh. I just lost a button hole. Where am I gonna find another
button hole?

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a
full house and 4 people died.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
widths.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and
it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow
that does the roads.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks," I said, "Yes, but to me
they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're
sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs
then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

I broke a mirror in my house and I'm supposed to get seven years
bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I got a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to
buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it. I was
walking down the street and I bumped into a good friend of mine
and he asked me, "How come you don't call me any more?" I said,
"I can't call most of my friends, my phone has no number 5." He
said, "That's really weird. How long have you had it?" I said,
"I don't know, my calendar has no 7's."

I got up the other day and everything in my ship had been
stolen and replaced with exact replicas. I couldn't believe it.
I flew to my friend and said, "Look at all this stuff, it's
all exact replicas. What do you think?" He looked at me and
said, "Do I know you?"

I have a three year old dog. I named him 'Stay.' He was a lot
of fun when he was a puppy because, when I'd call him "Come here,
Stay! Come here, Stay!" he didn't know what to do. He's a lot
smarter now. Now when I call him, he just ignores me and keeps
on typing. He's an East German Shepherd.

My girlfriend has a queen sized bed, and I have a court jester
sized bed. It's red and green, has bells on it, and the ends
curl up. One morning I woke up, and she asked me if I slept
good. I told her, "No, I made a few mistakes."

When I was little, in our backyard, we had a quicksand box. I
was an only child, eventually.

One time the police stopped me for speeding and they asked, "Did
you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yeah, I
know, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I
was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside.
People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are
leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told
them I think they should put the wrapper on the inside of the
straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to fill my tub up with water then turn on the shower and
act like a submarine that has been hit.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking space and then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.

I can't remember the rest. Now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at
the same time.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it.
It said, "Day 1 - Still tired from the move. Day 2 - Everybody
talks to me like I'm an idiot."

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride
came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me
out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and
drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of
this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally.
I'm sure this has happened to you.

I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks. So I called
Information. I said, "Hello, Information?" She said, "Yes?" I
said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the
couch." And they were!

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

One time I went to a Drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $195.

I went to a restaurant that served breakfast anytime, so I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
refrigerators.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

I called the wrong number today. I said, "Hello, is Joey there?"
The woman who answered said, "Yes he is." I said, "Can I speak
to him please?" She said, "No, he can't speak right now, he's
only two months old." I said, "That's all right, I'll wait."

One time, right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a
book and I started reading. The guy said, "What the hell are you
doing?" I said, "Let me ask you one question: If you were in a
space ship traveling at the speed of light and you turned your
headlights on, would they do anything?" He said, "I don't know."
I said, "Forget it then, I don't want to work for you."

For a while I didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. I had no
way of parking it, so I would tie a rope to it and keep it
running.

Whenever I'm around a little baby I always write down the noises
he's making, so years later I can ask him what he meant.

The first time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem
about everything.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.

I had trouble getting into my apartment. I accidentally put in
my car key, and when I turned it the building started up, so I
drove it around for a while. I went too fast and the police
pulled me over, and they asked me, "Where do you live?" I said,
"Right here!" Then I parked it in the middle of the freeway, ran
outside, and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my
driveway." Nobody who lives in the building noticed that the
building had been moved because everybody who lives there is
absolutely insane. The guy above me designed synthetic hair
balls for ceramic cats. The woman next to me tried to rob a
department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said,
"Give me all the money in the vault, or I'll mark down
everything." It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I
have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was
involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was
removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishma
family picnics.

The other day I got on an elevator and this old guy got on with
me. I was going to the fourth floor and pushed '4'. I asked
him, "Where are you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed
'Phoenix'. When the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in, and
we stepped out into downtown Phoenix. I said, "You're really the
kind of guy I like to hang around with." He said, "Well, I'm
going out to the desert, do you want to go?" I said, "Sure." So
we hopped into his car and drove out to desert. He told me that
he had spent most of his life working on a research project for
the government trying to find out who financed the Pyramids. He
worked on it for 30 years, and they paid him an incredible amount
of money. He told me he was pretty sure it was a guy named
Eddie. When we got out to his house, 500 miles in the middle of
the desert, the phone rang, and he said, "You get it." And when
I picked it up the voice said, "Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes."
He said, "This is Mr. Haines, your student loan director from
your bank. You're 62 bank payments behind, and we found out
today that the institute you attended received none of the
$17,000 we loaned you, and we would really like to know what you
did with it." I said, "Well, I'm not going to lie to you. I
gave the money to my friend Jiggs Casey and he built a nuclear
weapon with it. And I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't
call me anymore."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package:
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift
with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain
without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know,
this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said,
"Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in
prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you
better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

Two babies were born in hospital the same day. Two little babies, put them in the same room they're just laying there looking at each other. Each family came and took their baby away. Babies live their entire lives. Eighty five years later, by a bizarre coincidence they end up in the same hospital, in the same room, laying on their deathbeds, just laying there looking at each other. One of whom says to the other one, "So what did you think?"