Happy Bday!

Ma'am, that's an entire five-pound piece of ham. It has no bones, fat or connective tissue. It is an amalgam of meat from various pigs, emulsified, liquefied, strained and, ultimately, inexorably united into an obelisk of unholy flesh. God had no hand in creating this aversion. The fact that this ham monolith exists proves that God is powerless to alter His universe or ignore the horrors occurring in His kingdom. This pork prism is more than just delicious meat. It is a physical declaration of humanity's disregard for the natural order. It is manifest arrogance. We also have a low sodium variety if you prefer.

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Happy Bday!

Happy Bday!

Oh ♥♥♥♥, I'm sorry.

Sorry for what? Our daddy taught us not to be ashamed of our ♥♥♥♥♥. Especially since they’re such good size and all.

Yeah, i see that. Your daddy gave you good advice.

It gets bigger when I pull on it.

MMmmMmMmMmmm

Sometimes I pull on it so hard, I rip the skin
Well my daddy taught me a few things too, like uh, how to not to rip the skin by, uh, using someone else's mouth, instead of your own hands.

Will you show me?

I'd be right happy to…