Kyeki B. Smith

Since you did not reply we will drone strike your home. Goodbye.

Signed,
Samuel Fritizenwal, Owner of USPS and Owner of UPS and Owner of Fedex and Owner of DHL.

Kyeki B. Smith of Fartigina,

We will not be doing what you requested and I hope we could refrain from jokes here. This is a serious matter. Your package started leaking this brown, thick liquid all over our delivery truck and the other packages inside said truck. We already have the FBI and CIA on this case. The COD is out of the question now. You have a bigger problem in your hands. We will find you.

Samuel Fritizenwal, Owner of USPS.

Nathan Richardson,

I arrived at the USPS Office to deliver a package (5 oz. Bag of Excrement) but no one was there to sign for it. The cost of handling hazardous materials, as well as not receiving the package, constitutes a fee totaling $7,241.93. Please make checks out to cash.

Signed,
Kyeki B. Smith of Argentina (good luck finding me Lol)

P.S.

We know you were the guy who left a bag of feces on the front door of our offices. We will take action.

We came around your house for the 5th time today. No one was there. The COD (Collect on Delivery) will be automatically charged from your bank account. We will try to come around with the package a couple more times, but if no avail, we will have to destroy the contents of the box. I repeat we will have to destroy the contents of the box. This is unacceptable behavior from someone of your stature. I can see in our records that you were a Trump voter in 2016, 2020, and 2024. I usually expect more from people like you. We will call a government agency to do a welfare check on you. We hope for the best.

Signed,
Nathan Richardson, General Manager @ Fatteyeville USPS Distribution Center

Please respond.