1: I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

2: I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

3: A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

4: I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

5: Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

6: I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

7: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

8: Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

9: It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

10: Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

11: I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

12: Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

13: I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

14: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

15: Assault on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

16: My math teacher called me average. How mean!

17: Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

18: A hole was found in the wall of a nudist camp. The police are looking into it.

19: Which day do chickens hate the most? Friday.

20: I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

21: On the other hand, you have different fingers.

22: No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationary.

23: I swear to drunk I'm not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don't do vegetables.

24: A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the "b" is silent.

25: Why Can't hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? because the p is silent.

26: What if there were no hypothetical questions?

27: Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking ♥♥♥♥ from some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

28: What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

29: Where do you find a birthday present for a feline? In a cat-alogue!

30: Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

31: Why aren't air and space museums empty?

32: Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

33: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day? Forget-me-nuts.

34: In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

35: Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

36: Why is there an "S" in "Lisp"?

37: What do you call a Russian Special Forces unit that must wear glasses? Specs-naz.

38: A man walks up to an archaelogist with a used tampon and asks, "What period is this from?"

39: Ice cold coffee? Cool beans!

40: When my ice house falls apart igloo it back together.

41: After injuring my upper arm and wearing an ice pack, my friend accused me of giving him the cold shoulder.

42: I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

43: The invention of the shovel was truly ground-breaking.

44: You know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

45: Why was King Arthur's Army to tired to fight? Because it had to many sleepless Knights!

46: Which country has the fastest growing population? Ireland, because every day it's Dublin!

47: Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice Jester!

48: I was going to make a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

49: All of these see monster jokes are just kraken me up!