The epic ballad of Wilhelm (Spoilers ahead)

wake up in church. Must've been a rough night cause I don't even believe (who is john elden ring anyway). Some british lad gives me a londoner introduction and throws me down a cliff like my name is kazuya.

Wake up in wet cave. Find hole, jump in an even wetter cave and get my first tutorial. Stealth? I solid snake my way through the bushes, uh oh, what is that, a bell on a rope? We just alerted the entire population of bosnia and they rush me like I am wearing real adidas shoes. But they're not as bad as the guy before so they take the floor temperature challenge. The first real boss. I've played beat saber before so i whip out my cool sword that is neither a cringe ass katana nor a hooonk schmimimi hogwarts wand and give him a whooping without even crying much.

Limgrave. This isn't dark souls I thought, with how fantasy it looked. Almost expected some annoying blue ass navigation system fairy to show up and bother me every two seconds but no instead the game does remind me that it is in fact a souls like by reminding me that I got no hoes (ouch). I can see some guy on a horse, didn't look like much so I gave him the same whooping the guy in the cave got. Dropped his weapon and it looked cool so I immediately wield it. The weapon art only raises the weapon and does nothing but I never used those anyways. Horseman turned out to be guarding some shady looking guy at a campfire so without hesitation I destroyed him and got a cool ball for it. After familiarizing myself with the weapon I chose and with how beefy the enemies are (they have very large health pools) I make my way through some gate and find the third first boss of the game. Margret. With a name like that I let my bravado get a hold of me which resulted in a couple deaths. The sorcerer cry baby Rodger didn't help either so I decided to venture east instead.

Caelid. Miyazaki what the ♥♥♥♥. Here I thought we'd have nice things for once, I see knights parading around and coats of arms and castles and then I take a wrong turn right and I am in Brazil??? Big dogs (because small ones weren't already notorious enough in the souls series), big birds (I valiantly charge away from them because they are not worth my time) and of course a swamp a la Miyazaki. I am already tired of this area so I skip all the side content, slam some dude called Ramadan in a fair 1v1 (some wolf dude asked me for help so he was there too but he didn't do much), and return to Limgrave to kill a dragon, some weird wood creature and prisoners that couldn't handle my swag parry skills. Oh also Melanin showed up to gift me a Honda and allowed me to put all my hard earned souls into strength, as father Miyazaki intended.

Liurnia. With Margret and his friend Peter Griffin six feet under I backtrack to Limgrave for a moment to meet some people such as my best friend patches, more shady dudes that I of course murdered, some girl that reminded me of that girl from dark souls 3 and a hot four armed lady who I decided I'd make mine at all cost to prove that white masked guy wrong (damn you Miyazaki!). That quest took me to Liurnia. When I stood on that ledge that erected over the wide open space in front of me I at first was awe struck with how beautiful and big the game was - until I realized it was yet another SWAMP. I marched in like my name's Shrek who obviously owns the place and after a little bit of dragoncide I find myself in... actual hogwarts. Bruh. The way in couldn't be any easier: just barge in through the front door. Except it turns out Harry Potter and friends found the secret of gunpowder and american culture so with my first step onto the staircase leading up I experience avara ka 9mm to face. This would become a theme throughout this entire place, to the point where even a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dog is strapped. Beyond that I show the game that I am the boss by rolling through a ball trying to roll through me, to meet the love of my life. Moongrum. Not only did he have sexy armor (which i later grabbed off a random corpse) but also a great name and incredible skill. In fact I am pretty sure most of my deaths were to his parry skills. Unfortunately I had the script to the play and just did what he did, until he stopped getting up. The weird lady after him isn't noteworthy - though I did like becoming Anakin for a little while. Further up north there she was. The woman that would be my lady. Right after I had taken care of her annoying pet dog and that strange wizard guy. Luigi is alright he gets to live (he doesn't I find out later).

Altis from ARMA. It looked much nicer than Altis actually, I got here by beating up yet another dragon except this one had no wings. Being an active warzone I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible, so I beat up yet another dragon, how many are there?! Then some guy who also had dragon in his name because there has not been enough dragoncide yet, and as fast as I got to Altis I was in the capital instead.

Royal capital Lidl. Just as big and convoluted and crowded as the Lidl in my home town I find myself in Lidl capital. The Lidl knights couldn't do that much and I honestly played more assassins creed than anything parkouring across the rooftops until I somehow found myself in front of a fog gate (also some funny little fella gave me his doot and as a monster hunter hunting horn main it immediately became my new weapon of choice). Inside I meet piss man apparently related to Peter Griffin or something because he also slams his axe around a bunch, but I am no stranger to dodging piss so he went down fairly easy. Then I moved on to fight, you guessed it, Margret again. He must've had some forbidden airport jungle juice before coming to attend the fight because he was vomiting harder than me after I met your mom. I put the old man back to bed. Melanin shows up to tell me we need to burn the tree and I love arson so I am already in, besides after some side questing the four armed lady told me to become a god or something so yeah sure lets do it.

Mountaintops of the Giants. Not a very noteworthy area to be honest, a little bit of side content mostly centered around you guessed it, killing dragons, so I rushed through as fast as possible. Also some weird talking guy called Shabeery tried to convert me to the islam but I wasn't interested. The boss at the end of it was cool, with how big and wide he was he reminded me of myself a little. I broke his leg and took a piece of his beard as trophy (apparently the beard is strong enough to create fire from nothing). He was guarding the worlds biggest soup bowl, though to my disappointment I had to find it void of all soup and instead Melanin set herself on fire. Her fumes took me on one hell of a trip because next thing I know is I am high as hell. Altitude wise.

Crumbling Farum Azula. Welcome one and allocaust to the official, but not real last area of the game. Once again we kill countless dragons and dogs, though the dogs once again had another upgrade, as they have now developed thumbs to hold blades and also walk on two legs rather than four. I love dogs. With as much strength as I have at this point and a cool doot like mine the area was a breeze much to the contrary of what the ever raging storm around it would suggest. I kill the foreskin duo by utilizing clay pots to put them to "sleep" and move on to beat up yet another dragonkin dude and yet another dog with a sword, though this one was a number bigger than all of the previous dogs. I don't even know why I had to kill that guy but now the capital is covered in the ashes of everyone I had to murder to get this far. This leaves me with a boss rush mode of 1. Piss man unpissed, but also with tekken moveset, 2. Redhead with hammer idk who he is and 3. The final boss of the game (which is just a touhou boss fight).

TLDR good game go get it.

The epic ballad of Wilhelm (Spoilers ahead) wake up in church. Must've been a rough night cause I don't even believe (who is john elden ring anyway). Some british lad gives me a londoner introduction and throws me down a cliff like my name is kazuya. Wake up in wet cave. Find hole, jump in an even wetter cave and get my first tutorial. Stealth? I solid snake my way through the bushes, uh oh, what is that, a bell on a rope? We just alerted the entire population of bosnia and they rush me like I am wearing real adidas shoes. But they're not as bad as the guy before so they take the floor temperature challenge. The first real boss. I've played beat saber before so i whip out my cool sword that is neither a cringe ass katana nor a hooonk schmimimi hogwarts wand and give him a whooping without even crying much. Limgrave. This isn't dark souls I thought, with how fantasy it looked. Almost expected some annoying blue ass navigation system fairy to show up and bother me every two seconds but no instead the game does remind me that it is in fact a souls like by reminding me that I got no hoes (ouch). I can see some guy on a horse, didn't look like much so I gave him the same whooping the guy in the cave got. Dropped his weapon and it looked cool so I immediately wield it. The weapon art only raises the weapon and does nothing but I never used those anyways. Horseman turned out to be guarding some shady looking guy at a campfire so without hesitation I destroyed him and got a cool ball for it. After familiarizing myself with the weapon I chose and with how beefy the enemies are (they have very large health pools) I make my way through some gate and find the third first boss of the game. Margret. With a name like that I let my bravado get a hold of me which resulted in a couple deaths. The sorcerer cry baby Rodger didn't help either so I decided to venture east instead. Caelid. Miyazaki what the fuck. Here I thought we'd have nice things for once, I see knights parading around and coats of arms and castles and then I take a wrong turn right and I am in Brazil??? Big dogs (because small ones weren't already notorious enough in the souls series), big birds (I valiantly charge away from them because they are not worth my time) and of course a swamp a la Miyazaki. I am already tired of this area so I skip all the side content, slam some dude called Ramadan in a fair 1v1 (some wolf dude asked me for help so he was there too but he didn't do much), and return to Limgrave to kill a dragon, some weird wood creature and prisoners that couldn't handle my swag parry skills. Oh also Melanin showed up to gift me a Honda and allowed me to put all my hard earned souls into strength, as father Miyazaki intended. Liurnia. With Margret and his friend Peter Griffin six feet under I backtrack to Limgrave for a moment to meet some people such as my best friend patches, more shady dudes that I of course murdered, some girl that reminded me of that girl from dark souls 3 and a hot four armed lady who I decided I'd make mine at all cost to prove that white masked guy wrong (damn you Miyazaki!). That quest took me to Liurnia. When I stood on that ledge that erected over the wide open space in front of me I at first was awe struck with how beautiful and big the game was - until I realized it was yet another SWAMP. I marched in like my name's Shrek who obviously owns the place and after a little bit of dragoncide I find myself in... actual hogwarts. Bruh. The way in couldn't be any easier: just barge in through the front door. Except it turns out Harry Potter and friends found the secret of gunpowder and american culture so with my first step onto the staircase leading up I experience avara ka 9mm to face. This would become a theme throughout this entire place, to the point where even a god damned dog is strapped. Beyond that I show the game that I am the boss by rolling through a ball trying to roll through me, to meet the love of my life. Moongrum. Not only did he have sexy armor (which i later grabbed off a random corpse) but also a great name and incredible skill. In fact I am pretty sure most of my deaths were to his parry skills. Unfortunately I had the script to the play and just did what he did, until he stopped getting up. The weird lady after him isn't noteworthy - though I did like becoming Anakin for a little while. Further up north there she was. The woman that would be my lady. Right after I had taken care of her annoying pet dog and that strange wizard guy. Luigi is alright he gets to live (he doesn't I find out later). Altis from ARMA. It looked much nicer than Altis actually, I got here by beating up yet another dragon except this one had no wings. Being an active warzone I wanted to get out of here as fast as possible, so I beat up yet another dragon, how many are there?! Then some guy who also had dragon in his name because there has not been enough dragoncide yet, and as fast as I got to Altis I was in the capital instead. Royal capital Lidl. Just as big and convoluted and crowded as the Lidl in my home town I find myself in Lidl capital. The Lidl knights couldn't do that much and I honestly played more assassins creed than anything parkouring across the rooftops until I somehow found myself in front of a fog gate (also some funny little fella gave me his doot and as a monster hunter hunting horn main it immediately became my new weapon of choice). Inside I meet piss man apparently related to Peter Griffin or something because he also slams his axe around a bunch, but I am no stranger to dodging piss so he went down fairly easy. Then I moved on to fight, you guessed it, Margret again. He must've had some forbidden airport jungle juice before coming to attend the fight because he was vomiting harder than me after I met your mom. I put the old man back to bed. Melanin shows up to tell me we need to burn the tree and I love arson so I am already in, besides after some side questing the four armed lady told me to become a god or something so yeah sure lets do it. Mountaintops of the Giants. Not a very noteworthy area to be honest, a little bit of side content mostly centered around you guessed it, killing dragons, so I rushed through as fast as possible. Also some weird talking guy called Shabeery tried to convert me to the islam but I wasn't interested. The boss at the end of it was cool, with how big and wide he was he reminded me of myself a little. I broke his leg and took a piece of his beard as trophy (apparently the beard is strong enough to create fire from nothing). He was guarding the worlds biggest soup bowl, though to my disappointment I had to find it void of all soup and instead Melanin set herself on fire. Her fumes took me on one hell of a trip because next thing I know is I am high as hell. Altitude wise. Crumbling Farum Azula. Welcome one and allocaust to the official, but not real last area of the game. Once again we kill countless dragons and dogs, though the dogs once again had another upgrade, as they have now developed thumbs to hold blades and also walk on two legs rather than four. I love dogs. With as much strength as I have at this point and a cool doot like mine the area was a breeze much to the contrary of what the ever raging storm around it would suggest. I kill the foreskin duo by utilizing clay pots to put them to "sleep" and move on to beat up yet another dragonkin dude and yet another dog with a sword, though this one was a number bigger than all of the previous dogs. I don't even know why I had to kill that guy but now the capital is covered in the ashes of everyone I had to murder to get this far. This leaves me with a boss rush mode of 1. Piss man unpissed, but also with tekken moveset, 2. Redhead with hammer idk who he is and 3. The final boss of the game (which is just a touhou boss fight). TLDR good game go get it.