My name is Jumps "Farawayland37" Bumps, and I'm a 10,000 year old vampire but as you can see I appear to be a 13 year old boy. No Little Caesars in the Holy Roman Empire does not know my name. I'm the legendary schizophrenic poet who did indeed graduate high-school, and through fentanyl, all pizza has come to fear me. Nobody can lift as much as I can; I can lift the weight of three fully grown horses above my head, and have trained to do so for the purpose of throwing scrubs like you up to 200 yards. African-Americans refer to women as "shawty" sometimes because of my doing. Sharing is caring however, so I gave the credit for this to the 2002 Honda S2000. I invented war. Ancient monkeys that live in the mountains have taught me "HardCore Kung-Fu" which I have used to defeat a man of every creed in Mortal Kombat including a black guy, Evan, and the "Penny Pincher". I invented war, and I cannot possibly die. As war's biggest fan I can, without the aid of any technology, recognize any man's face from 12 miles away. Training to kill, I've swam between Kamchatka and Alaska with nothing but the skin on my back. Warlords such as Moloch, Qin Shi Huang, Aristotle, Mehmed the Second, Richard Nixon, Cardinal Richelieu, and though not a warlord, Elmer of Malmesbury as well, have come to me for advice on how best to practice the art of war. Even in modern times, war is not without my influence. For example, have you ever seen a Walgreens and a CVS Pharmacy within 500 yards of each other? No? That's because I founded Spirit Halloween which did create the mandate disallowing that. I invented war, and have spent 9,000 of my 10,000 years alive spreading turmoil on the Earth with my "Douche-Nozzle" when I occasionally leave the realm of all toil. A Baptist mom, 5 Catholic Priests, a medical student, and a Facebook page have all come together to sign a document proving that I am in possession of a BLT "swagwich" and have used it to further my invention, which as I've said, is war.
I love war.