Portal 2 is a game about a prostitute having a nightmare. I know this because at several points the portal gun tried to make sexual advances on me.

Despite it's innovative gameplay and improvements over it's predecessor, Portal 2 fails miserably to accomplish it's goal of being a game, instead being an ad-laden experience plagued with Jungle Jim's terrible, terrible food and korean subtitles (if you come to my house and remove either of these I'll give you a spank).

So I didn't even get into the "real game" before the sh*tstorm started. The second you click the "Start le Game" button, your computer will ejaculate, making this sound so then you have two messes to deal with.

The controls are broken. The section where you have to navigate the human body a la Magic School Bus was flat out rarted, not because it was a total ripoff, but because you have to use your feet (the game knows). Of course your floating companion, Chris, doesn't make it any better. Chris isn't even special he's just a regular dude in a white t-shirt and jeans who makes inane comments about how underrepresented furries are. He also openly talks about his war crimes, like they just happen every day. Chris is eventually killed off as he is sucked into an enterocyte in the jejunum (thank f*ck).

So once you make it through that garbage your met with something even more vomitous. The final boss, "Big P*ss", is the dumbest finale ever. You leave the sciency place and enter the woods, where a sentient puddle of what can only be peepee starts talking to you about 'Purification' and 'The Harp of Life' and '2Pac Necrophilia Sex Scandal No Clickbait 2019 Read The Description'. After all I fought for I just got more ads, and acne.

I cannot f*cking believe this game has 'Overwhelmingly Negative' reviews. It's pretty much perfect. I only threw up thrice, and that's pretty much a miracle. Volvo has made the best game ever made and they did it.