"I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system." - Jack Handy

“He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."” - Jack Handy