Bloodbag
Czech Republic
 
 
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0.4 Hours played
tl;dr:
12/10 - This was the most hilarious 23 minutes I've had in a long time.

too long part:
Embark with me on an epic story driven journey of me and my pal, which took place at approximately 2 AM after a considerable amount of beers. We weren't sleepy yet but we didn't feel like playing DOTA or whatever, so I remembered seeing All is dust on Steam.

I myself being a ♥♥♥♥♥ have suggested that I probably don't want to be playing the game alone as it might give me some bad sleep. I started the game and the first jumpscare got me right at the menu - no settings whatsoever. I shook it off and pressed New Game using mouse with invisible cursor.

What came next was a short cutscene in a car, where I noticed that touching my mouse gently causes my character to turn 270 degrees. Damn, I wish there were settings. Just as I started to think this might be a problem, our car was high-fived in the face by some a**hole driving in the wrong direction.

Then there was this weird cinematic with some redneck talking into a low quality microphone without subtitles, so we had no fu**ing idea WTF he just said. Then I found myself in some Redneck house with no bathroom or any hygienical establishments whatsoever, then I picked up a lantern, then I went places.

On my travels, we found some weird barbecued thingy without legs which had been apparently repeatedly dipped in tabasco sauce and then nailed to a cross. We traveled some more and found that the tabasco fellow must had jumped off his cross because he was now behind me. My friend didn't see him though, as the guy was partially concealed by a cornfield. So I walked up right to his face and we examined the fella a little bit. What kinda creeped us out was the first time the b*tch turned its head 180 degrees to look right at us. We honestly didn't see that one coming.

Upon walking point blank to the thing, it turned into ashes and vanished. This kept happening afterwards as the thing would always appear behind my back and then disappear once I got close. We then assessed that the thing is probably scared of us, so we decided to get friendly with it and prove to it we were not carrying any more tabasco. We decided to simply call him Boogeyman since he didn't share a name with us. From that point forward, we were genuinly scared when we didn't see Boogeyman because we were worried he'd got lost in the fields somewhere :(

After some walking, ladders and finding that our Boogeyman has brought his bros, we got to the most trollface canadian prank moment in history of gaming. Just right outside the house I mentioned earlier, there was a bench and a hole in front of it. I, being a drunk I was, situated myself right into the hole. See, since that hole was approximately as deep as a bowl of cereal you had for breakfast, it wouldn't present a problem anywhere else but in a game which has no jump button and also - NO ESCAPE MENU BUTTON - this was disastrous beyond any recognition.

So there I was, standing ankles deep in hell with absolutely no way out. Even Boogeyman and his friends left me there to rot and die of thirst and hunger. At this point, me and my friend were geniunely laughing our asses off. Why the hell would you put this kind of pothole in a game where you cant jump or load? Just why???

One Ctrl+Alt+Del later, we launched the game again and chose a chapter where we ended. I carefully walked past the hole this time. Then there were burning crosses and illuminati symbols drawn in red, then we smashed some pots, then the game ended... No idea what WTF it was about or what happened.

Just as we thought the comedy was over, we saw the credits... THERE WAS 17 PEOPLE MAKING THIS????? You gotta be kidding! What we found the most hilarious was that there was someone labeled AI engineer - I don't think copy-pasting Slender man algorithm counts as AI programming.

EDIT: To cut the AI engineer some slack, I have to say I forgot to mention that he also implemented crows. The rare floating and never moving or turning species.
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Vinyana 19 Mar, 2020 @ 3:18pm 
@Bloodbag Amen to that.
Bloodbag 19 Mar, 2020 @ 3:12pm 
@Vinyana Well a cult classic like Halo is that kind of game which is nonnegotiably perfect in some people's minds and they tend to react aggressively to anyone who disagrees... Still, I believe that these individuals are a small fraction of the whole community, even if it doesn't seem like it, since they're the ones making the most noise. I myself wouldn't engage with these people if it wasn't so damn funny :)
Vinyana 19 Mar, 2020 @ 2:24pm 
@Bloodbag It sucks that any genuine criticism is drowned out by those who are toxic. The same thing happened to the Halo PC port that came out recently, any negative reviews were bombed by people who couldn't look past nostalgia and blind love.
Bloodbag 19 Mar, 2020 @ 2:16pm 
@Vinyana Actually, I did, and your positive feedback really struck me. It's great to see people respecting negative opinions about a game even though they enjoy playing it. That's very mature of you and I'm glad for everyone like you in the gaming community.
Vinyana 19 Mar, 2020 @ 2:01pm 
So I doubt you've looked at your destiny 2 review recently, so I'll leave this here. Your called out the points that people refuse to accept, and I support that. The community itself is killing the game with how toxic they are. Cheers.
Bloodbag 28 Sep, 2019 @ 12:24am 
Well at least you find the time to share valuable insights. I'll just leave this here so everyone can see how much you've shown me :)
Cheers