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This child is SEVERELY autistic.
Do not make loud noises near him.
Do not shine bright lights near him.
Do not look him directly in the eye.
Do not touch him or any of his toys.
Doing any of the above may set him off on an autistic rampage that could endanger the lives of many.
Anyway, fast forward to later that night. We were walking near a bridge, and I had this brilliant idea. I pretended to trip and accidentally pushed her off the bridge. She screamed and fell into the river below. I stood there, watching her struggle, laughing my ass off. It was pure satisfaction, I tell ya.
Now, here's the best part. I played the "concerned boyfriend" role to perfection. I called the police, fake crying and telling them how she slipped and fell. They bought it hook, line, and sinker. The next thing you know, I'm posting this from her funeral, trying not to burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
EDIT #1: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, guys, the police are onto me. They found out about my little "accident." I might be facing some legal consequences, but hey, it was totally worth it for the satisfaction I got. I'll keep you updated on my badassery.
EDIT #3: Yo, who the ♥♥♥♥ gave me silver? Are you kidding me? I only accept platinum. Get your cheap-ass rewards outta here. Don't waste my time with that peasant ♥♥♥♥.
EDIT #4: What the actual ♥♥♥♥? More silver? I said platinum, you idiots! Stop throwing your cheap-ass rewards at me. I deserve the best, not your trash.
EDIT #5: Seriously, guys? Gold and silver? You think I'm some kind of peasant? I deserve platinum, nothing less. Step up your game, you pathetic losers.
EDIT #6: Thanks to everyone who confirmed that I'm not the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I mean, I already knew that, duh. I just needed the reassurance from my loyal followers. You guys are the best.
EDIT #8: What the ♥♥♥♥? Who gave me all those silvers? ♥♥♥♥ you, dude! I don't want your cheap-ass rewards. Keep that ♥♥♥♥ to yourself, you broke-ass loser.
EDIT #9: Hold up, I just got ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ pinned? Does this mean I'll get more platinums? Hell yeah! Keep 'em coming, you peasants.
EDIT #10: Shut the ♥♥♥♥ up with your trashy silver rewards. I want ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ platinum, not some worthless garbage. Do you take me for a fool, you morons?
EDIT #11: What the actual ♥♥♥♥? I just woke up, and there's more silver? Really? ♥♥♥♥ you all, you trash bags! And what the hell is that "Ctrl C V" award? Is that good? I'm a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Instagram thot, how the ♥♥♥♥ should I know? And why the ♥♥♥♥ did I just get banned from r/amitheasshole? This is some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.