Attention all visitors to this profile:

This child is SEVERELY autistic.

Do not make loud noises near him.

Do not shine bright lights near him.

Do not look him directly in the eye.

Do not touch him or any of his toys.

Doing any of the above may set him off on an autistic rampage that could endanger the lives of many.

AITA for pushing my girlfriend off the bridge?

I was at a fancy restaurant with my girlfriend, right? We were celebrating our anniversary, and I was expecting her to give me this expensive-ass Rolex watch as a gift. But guess what? She hands me this cheap knockoff from a street vendor. Can you believe the audacity? I was fuming inside.

Anyway, fast forward to later that night. We were walking near a bridge, and I had this brilliant idea. I pretended to trip and accidentally pushed her off the bridge. She screamed and fell into the river below. I stood there, watching her struggle, laughing my ass off. It was pure satisfaction, I tell ya.

Now, here's the best part. I played the "concerned boyfriend" role to perfection. I called the police, fake crying and telling them how she slipped and fell. They bought it hook, line, and sinker. The next thing you know, I'm posting this from her funeral, trying not to burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

Am I the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥? Hell no! She deserved it for giving me that trashy watch. And you know what? All my friends and my massive Instagram following agree. They think I'm a genius. Screw wasting time on remorse, am I right?

EDIT #1: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, guys, the police are onto me. They found out about my little "accident." I might be facing some legal consequences, but hey, it was totally worth it for the satisfaction I got. I'll keep you updated on my badassery.

EDIT #2: Update, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! Turns out the judge saw my post and thought it was hilarious. She reached out to me and said I'm in the clear. No prison time for this mastermind. I'm a freaking legend, baby!

EDIT #3: Yo, who the ♥♥♥♥ gave me silver? Are you kidding me? I only accept platinum. Get your cheap-ass rewards outta here. Don't waste my time with that peasant ♥♥♥♥.

EDIT #4: What the actual ♥♥♥♥? More silver? I said platinum, you idiots! Stop throwing your cheap-ass rewards at me. I deserve the best, not your trash.

EDIT #5: Seriously, guys? Gold and silver? You think I'm some kind of peasant? I deserve platinum, nothing less. Step up your game, you pathetic losers.

EDIT #6: Thanks to everyone who confirmed that I'm not the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I mean, I already knew that, duh. I just needed the reassurance from my loyal followers. You guys are the best.

EDIT #7: Finally, someone with taste! I got a platinum award. Thank you to whoever gave it to me. You guys took way too long, but at least you understand my greatness. Smh.

EDIT #8: What the ♥♥♥♥? Who gave me all those silvers? ♥♥♥♥ you, dude! I don't want your cheap-ass rewards. Keep that ♥♥♥♥ to yourself, you broke-ass loser.

EDIT #9: Hold up, I just got ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ pinned? Does this mean I'll get more platinums? Hell yeah! Keep 'em coming, you peasants.

EDIT #10: Shut the ♥♥♥♥ up with your trashy silver rewards. I want ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ platinum, not some worthless garbage. Do you take me for a fool, you morons?

EDIT #11: What the actual ♥♥♥♥? I just woke up, and there's more silver? Really? ♥♥♥♥ you all, you trash bags! And what the hell is that "Ctrl C V" award? Is that good? I'm a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Instagram thot, how the ♥♥♥♥ should I know? And why the ♥♥♥♥ did I just get banned from r/amitheasshole? This is some ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.