to fully comprehend trash you must first become itand once you have reached this higher plane of degeneracywill you begin to realize the miracle that has befallen us here [myanimelist.net]

You need help. Serious real help.
Your obsession with Japan and its ‘culture’ is distressing and a very obvious sign of one losing their grip on their very existence.

What I would suggest you do is to put down the anime, step away from FurAffinity, and perhaps pick up a piece of literature. The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoyevsky and the writings of Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, would be fantastic starts.

I truly am sorry to find you in quagmire and I hope you get the help you need.