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15 of 28 (54%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:16am

Go Left

Move to the left.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:16am

Go Right

Move to the right.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:16am

Meet Your Maker

Penetrate God.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:31am

Summer Job

Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:37am

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:06am

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:50am

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:52am

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 11:07am

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:46am

Appalling Appetite

You should see a doctor immediately.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 10:46am

Clumsy

Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 11:10am

A Better John

Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Unlocked 29 Dec, 2018 @ 11:31am

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Unlocked 7 Apr, 2019 @ 3:46am

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
Unlocked 21 Aug, 2021 @ 6:53am



Early Bird

Swallow every worm.

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.

Paperwork

Submit your monthly physical report.

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.

Autopaedicatio

Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.