Bingus Johnson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZz1oamNbng

You mr corn should try a game called medeval dynasty

https://youtu.be/srTqxL_6Ysg

Hey man thought you might need the transcript to shrek
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEWmmHdKPT4&list=PLNHUFQ2Du3o5QB_SqMo6cIJCDXLeVd-16&ab_channel=atnaloj626
heres the soundtrack for help

Transcript
SHREK: (Reading a storybook) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (Laughs, tears out a page of the book) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush).

"All Star" by Smash Mouth begins to play. Shrek exits an outhouse and goes about his day routine in the swamp. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.

In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they enter the swamp and wait outside Shrek's home, though Shrek sees them coming and sneaks up behind them.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

Villager 1: Think it's in there?

Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.

Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.

SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

The mob gasp.

SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...

Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.

Villagers: No!

SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches.

SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.

The men drop their torches and pitchforks and flee as fast they can.

SHREK: And stay out! (looks down and picks up a wanted poster. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairytale creatures." (He sighs and drops the paper on the ground.)

THE NEXT DAY - FOREST

Lines of fairy tale creatures are put in chains and are led into wagons by Duloc Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying people for tuning in the fairytale creatures in. Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. Some of the others in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.

GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

THE CAPTAIN: Next!

GUARD: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)

THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

GUARD: Get up! Come on!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage.

LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (Smacks Donkey)

DONKEY: Oh!

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.

THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).

THE CAPTAIN: Well?..

OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!

THE CAPTAIN: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.

THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards.

DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN: He can fly!

THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly!

THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?!

DONKEY: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.)

THE CAPTAIN: Seize him!

Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest.

GUARDS: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him.

THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre!

SHREK: Aye?

THE CAPTAIN: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility?

SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles)

The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him.

DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

SHREK: Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY: Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

DONKEY: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face.

DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a felled log.

DONKEY: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

SHREK: Why are you following me?

DONKEY: I'll tell you why. (Drops from the log. Singing) "'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends..."

SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It's no wonder you don't have any friends (drops him).

DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh...really tall?

SHREK: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?

DONKEY: Nope.

SHREK: Really?

DONKEY: Really, really.

SHREK: Oh.

DONKEY: Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK: Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek's home.) Woo, look at that! Who'd want to live in place like that?

SHREK: (Annoyed) That would be my home.

DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek's "keep out" signs) I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK: I like my privacy.

DONKEY: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

SHREK: Uh, what?

DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY: Really?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)

SHREK: Ah! What are you...no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!

DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin'... I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK: (Groans in frustration)

DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK: (irritated) Outside!

DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...

SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!

DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!

Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the Three Blind Mice on his table.

MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

MOUSE 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDER: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDER: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)

SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)

GORDER: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)

BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gorder?

GORDER: How did you know?

SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!

Shrek turns around and sees that the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.

SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin away)

DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

SHREK: Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed.

BIG BAD WOLF: What?

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?

He opens the front door and throws the Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.

SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)

The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!!

Shrek's voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.

SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

DWARVES: Hey! Quickly. Come on! (More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them)

SHREK: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there! (He fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. He turns to look at Donkey)

DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIO: Well gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK: What?!

PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here!

SHREK: By who?!

LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?

The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers.

DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him?

Baby Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly lowers his hand down. The Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other.

SHREK: Anyone at all?

DONKEY: Me! Me!

SHREK: Anyone?

DONKEY: (Jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This was not Shrek's intention. A group of birds drop a cloak made of flowers around Shrek's shoulders, much to his annoyance.

SHREK: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

Shrek brushes the cloak onto the floor, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey's head. They make their through the crowd.

DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

DONKEY: (singing) "On the road again...", sing it with me, Shrek!

As they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the torch until the dwarf falls into a pond.

DONKEY: "I can't wait to get on the road again."

SHREK: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey's head)

DONKEY: Can I whistle?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Can I hum it?

SHREK: All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way.

DULOC - DUNGEON

A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk.

FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.

The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

GINGY: You're a monster!

FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)

FARQUAAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!

FARQUAAD: All right then. Who's hiding them?

GINGY: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

FARQUAAD: The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man.

FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

FARQUAAD: (Shocked) The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!

FARQUAAD: She's married to the muffin man...

A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in.

CAPTAIN: My lord! We've found it.

FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe.

GINGERBREAD MAN: Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD: Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad smacks him off the table and a trash can. ) No!

FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king.

FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD: Go on.

MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!

Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror presents a dating show to Farquaad, Thelonious, the Captain, and a few Duloc Guards.

MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows painting of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy.

Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows painting of Snow White in her slumber) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows painting of Princess Fiona at the window of her tower) So , will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

The guards shout out different numbers while Farquaad frantically tries to decide.

GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

FARQUAAD: (Murmuring to himself) Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

The mirror shows Princess Fiona's portrait. "Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" by Rupert Holmes begins playing. The crowd cheers.

FARQUAAD: (Gazing at the portrait) Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...(Farquaad starts brainstorming)

MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD: (Talking to himself, ignoring the Mirror) I'll do it.

MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament! (smiles evilly)

DULOC KINGDOM - EXTERIOR

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.

DONKEY: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

SHREK: (Gazing up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom) So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY: Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.)

DONKEY: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.! (The man and his wife hurry into the entrance)

SHREK: Hey, you! (

A mascot, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.

SHREK: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just- - I just - -

Shrek sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The mascot runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into Duloc.)

DULOC - INTERIOR

They look around but all is quiet and there is not a person in sight

SHREK: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

DONKEY: Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture, both of which are dumbfounded.

DONKEY: Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again)

SHREK: (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no!...No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate.

FARQUAAD: (In the distance) Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. And today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.

SHREK: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY: Sorry about that.

ARENA

In the center of a stadium-like arena, Duloc Knights are gathered as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the arena but don't seem to be noticed.

FARQUAAD: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin!

Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.

FARQUAAD: (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? (The crowd gasps) It's hideous!

SHREK: Ah, that's not very nice (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad). It's just a donkey (Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him).

FARQUAAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! (Points at Shrek)

The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.

CROWD: Get him!

SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table, noticing mugs of beer)

CROWD: Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK: (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

CROWD: Kill the beast!

SHREK: No? All right then. (drinks the mug in one gulp) Come on!

Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with his arms. The crowd boos. Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.

DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey. Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd's cheers.

SHREK: Yeah!

A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.

WOMAN: The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.

SHREK: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

Farquaad motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.

GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!

The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.

SHREK: What?

FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

SHREK: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD: Your swamp?

SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK: Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

SHREK: And the squatters?

FARQUAAD: As good as gone.

SHREK: What kind of quest?

DULOC - EXTERIOR

Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

SHREK: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

SHREK: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

DONKEY: Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY: Example?

SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

DONKEY: (sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK: Yes - - No!

DONKEY: They make you cry?

SHREK: No!

DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)

DONKEY: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK: (Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.

DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up.

DONKEY: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge.

DRAGON'S KEEP - EXTERIOR

Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Its all very ominous.

SHREK: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)

Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him.

DONKEY: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?

SHREK: Oh, aye.

DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

DONKEY: You know what I mean.

SHREK: Oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

DONKEY: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!

SHREK: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really?

SHREK: Really, really.

DONKEY: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

SHREK: Just keep moving. And don't look down.

DONKEY: (Nervously to himself) Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.

Donkey steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below

DONKEY: Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

SHREK: But you're already halfway.

DONKEY: But I know that half is safe!