I only wrote this review because a lawyer with a rocket launcher has prevented me from going to people's homes and telling them about it in person with my fists. TF2 is a great game that dares to cross the border between absolute absurdity and seriosity - that's a word that I made up, because a sandwich told me to.

That's another thing - if you start to play this game, food items that once were inanimate objects will BEGIN TO TELL YOU THINGS. Protip: Sandwiches have a lot to offer. Don't be afraid to download this game, that's what I'm reduced to these days. The NSA has long told me not to reconfigure their servers to force every American computer to download and activate this game.

Also, it's an OS. Yeah, it is. You sure can run all those "spreadsheets" and "sitepages" and book face with this program. Also, it lets you manipulate images with bullets, which is a hell of a lot better than using a mouse. I mean, it's not even a real mammal - it's like made of plastic.

Additionally, continued consumption of this game will render you invulnerable to bullets* and I should totally add that this game is not intended to treat, cure, or diagnose any disease or medical condition. If you're a doctor, this game will give you a gun that shoots healing.

Shoots healing! I know! Right? You can shoot healing at people like it was some offensive activity! Plus, if you're a spy, you can be invisible. So suck on that, Harry Potter. No cloaks or dumb wands needed or wanted, wizards.

I know a lot of you are engineers, because you keep telling me that when I claim to be able to do things like "make a pocket calculator play TF2" - and seriously, you could run this game on an old 486, if those hadn't all been eaten by were-lizards back when David Icke turned out to be correct.

And being an engineer in real life is kinda lame. I know it must be, because you're always doing stuff like arguing with clear-headed visionaries like me on the internet, when what you SHOULD be doing with the internet is PLAYING TEAM FORTRESS 2. But being an Engineer in TF2 is great. It's so great that in some countries, it's illegal. Like real illegal, kind of like naming a goat as Prime Minister (Seriously, Canada, get your game together so Mns. Beards can rule as he should) - you get to build GUNS that SHOOT people with bullets AND rockets, and you get to build dispensers that give out free healing - which means that this game is better than Democracy because it has the only socialized medicine both political parties can agree on!

Just buy the damn game. Oh, wait, it's free? Why are you reading this? Are you a reader? Readers are weak, pasty people who use more keys than your average TF2 player, who only uses WSAD and the spacebar is for SCOUTS.

*Bullet invulnerability is not real.

I only wrote this review because a lawyer with a rocket launcher has prevented me from going to people's homes and telling them about it in person with my fists. TF2 is a great game that dares to cross the border between absolute absurdity and seriosity - that's a word that I made up, because a sandwich told me to. That's another thing - if you start to play this game, food items that once were inanimate objects will BEGIN TO TELL YOU THINGS. Protip: Sandwiches have a lot to offer. Don't be afraid to download this game, that's what I'm reduced to these days. The NSA has long told me not to reconfigure their servers to force every American computer to download and activate this game. Also, it's an OS. Yeah, it is. You sure can run all those "spreadsheets" and "sitepages" and book face with this program. Also, it lets you manipulate images with bullets, which is a hell of a lot better than using a mouse. I mean, it's not even a real mammal - it's like made of plastic. Additionally, continued consumption of this game will render you invulnerable to bullets* and I should totally add that this game is not intended to treat, cure, or diagnose any disease or medical condition. If you're a doctor, this game will give you a gun that shoots healing. Shoots healing! I know! Right? You can shoot healing at people like it was some offensive activity! Plus, if you're a spy, you can be invisible. So suck on that, Harry Potter. No cloaks or dumb wands needed or wanted, wizards. I know a lot of you are engineers, because you keep telling me that when I claim to be able to do things like "make a pocket calculator play TF2" - and seriously, you could run this game on an old 486, if those hadn't all been eaten by were-lizards back when David Icke turned out to be correct. And being an engineer in real life is kinda lame. I know it must be, because you're always doing stuff like arguing with clear-headed visionaries like me on the internet, when what you SHOULD be doing with the internet is PLAYING TEAM FORTRESS 2. But being an Engineer in TF2 is great. It's so great that in some countries, it's illegal. Like real illegal, kind of like naming a goat as Prime Minister (Seriously, Canada, get your game together so Mns. Beards can rule as he should) - you get to build GUNS that SHOOT people with bullets AND rockets, and you get to build dispensers that give out free healing - which means that this game is better than Democracy because it has the only socialized medicine both political parties can agree on! Just buy the damn game. Oh, wait, it's free? Why are you reading this? Are you a reader? Readers are weak, pasty people who use more keys than your average TF2 player, who only uses WSAD and the spacebar is for SCOUTS. *Bullet invulnerability is not real.