Phalanx CIWS (Close-In Weapon System)

The Phalanx CIWS, also known by sailors as “R2-D2 with anger issues,” is a last-ditch, lead-spitting guardian angel mounted on naval vessels to ensure that anything flying too close gets turned into modern art. Developed by engineers who thought, “What if we gave a Gatling gun anxiety?” the Phalanx is essentially a 20mm Vulcan cannon slapped on a rotating turret with the reflexes of a caffeinated squirrel and the decision-making power of a really grumpy HAL 9000.

The system detects, tracks, and absolutely shreds incoming missiles, aircraft, or seagulls that fly a little too confidently. When activated, it emits a calming brrrrrrrrrrt sound that signals imminent doom for anything in its line of sight, and mild heart attacks for nearby crew members who weren’t warned in advance.
Specifications:
• Gun: M61 Vulcan (also known as “the reason that cloud has holes in it”)
• Rate of Fire: 4,500 rounds per minute, or “a lot, really fast”
• Accuracy: Yes. All the bullets.
• Reaction Time: Faster than your last breakup.
• Target Discrimination: Let’s just say it believes in equal opportunity destruction.