Hello there! I'm here to offer you a deal of a lifetime! Tired of feeling down all the time and feel like life is meaningless, yet you don't want to kill yourself? Have no fear! Our professional hitmen will lay you and your problem to rest in no time! We deliver high quality painless death on the same day it's order for the low price of $799.98 along with complete ownership of your deceased body to be used for science and skin for robots! For an extra $5 they'll even kill you in any manner you want. Always wanted to be raped to death or be chased through the forest before meeting a disturbing demise? We got you covered! And for an additional $100.97 dollars you get the family and friend discount! You along with 5 people of your choice are completely given the abilty to have their lives ripped from them! What are you waiting for? Order one of our hitmen now!

Wow do I have an offer! Needed to be older but don't feel like waiting? Tired of not being allowed to stay late and some places? Wanna make someone a pedophile? Look do further than the Age Range, Vortex's new product! The Age Range works in one direction and allows you to increase your or someone else's age to however much you want. Now you get to look at as many strippers as you want outside of your mother! Order our Age Range now for $599.99!

Now here's an offer! Ever needed to quickly have someone you just met that you dislike killed? Ever get backstabbed by someone close to you? Want to hire a hitman with the hastle? Look no further than Vortex's Death Marker! Our death marker allows you to shoot a sticker at your new foe, thus adding a target to nearby hitman's list. This product is entirely free to own, but not to use. Upon usage, you will be charged a fee of upwards of $1,000. Failure to pay this fee within 30 days might have you with one of these markers yourself. But what are you waiting for? Go ahead and purchase are Death Marker and vanquish your foes now!

Man don't I have an offer! Tired of having so much talent yet not being able to use it fully? Well look no further than Vortex's talent extractor! This device will suck the talent out of you, allowing you to use every drop of it, with Vortex getting 15% of your total talent! Why wait when you could order one for 8 payments of $112.87! Order now! 

Do to popular demand, Vortex now sells lifetime supplies of Pepsi! After a few painstakingly annoying legal agreements and offers, Vortex has finally been given the legal right to produce and sell Pepsi! Now all you Pepsi lovers can rest, knowing that you could literally buy a lifetime supply of pepsi for $10,272.98 every 10 years. What are you still reading this for? Go order your Pepsi now!