"In Defense of Guy Fieri"
When is the last time you thought about Guy Fieri? When is the last time you were completely and unequivocally wrong about someone based on how they look or how they carry themselves on a television show? I catch a lot of ♥♥♥♥ because of my persona, that I can be turned into an easy meme, or poke fun at because my appeal isn’t Michelin starred, it’s mom and pop. In reality, I am a reflection of the true America.

You didn’t know it because you were too busy dogging myself because of my "fork in the electric socket" colored hair, and the gaudy flame shirts. It’s ok. This is your teachable moment.

Here’s the real deal Holyfield: I AM NOT a walking chili-cheese dog commercial, nor am I the king of lowbrow entertainment you’ve built me up to be.

"Respect Flavortown"

I'll admit it. People thought I was a douche. But then I taught them about the caliber of man, I being singular Mount Rushmore, of being selfless badass.

For years, they never gave Diners, Drive-in's, and Dives a shot. They're self-involved ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. They were Bourdain disciples, more interested in Myanmar rather than Sue Falls. They saw their brands of television as starkly different, like comparing 60 Minutes to Hee-Haw. Then they got hip to know who I am.

This isn’t my first rodeo

When Diners, Drive-Ins, And Dives tapes an episode, the production crew comes in and checks the spot out and shoots the footage, what they also do is prepare the restaurant. Thanks to my legion, business will jump 200%. (we saw it firsthand with local Austin spots Slab and One Taco.

Lines were out the door within 24 hours.) The show will change an owner's life with one episode. I'm giving small businesses a shot at national coverage on a show that lives in reruns and has a passionate fanbase. Literal roadside shacks have gone from hometown heroes, to icons thanks to me.

"He believes in all of us"

You want some more icing for that "I'm an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥-flavored" cake? Grab a diabetes tester, kids. I'm also officiated a massive gay wedding for over a hundred couples down in Florida as soon as it became legal.

Remember the horrific, completely random Las Vegas shooting perpetrated by another nuts white guy? I took it personally.

The general manager of his Caesar’s restaurant The Linq’s brother was shot. His life was saved by an Army Ranger who plugged the wound with his thumb. Instead of an all-expenses-paid thank you dinner for the Ranger, I personally called the president of Caesars Entertainment. He gets the guy to throw a massive 3,000-person blowout with food, music, and drinks for the cops, firefighters, EMTs, doctors, nurses - all first responders who dealt with the horror show and its aftermath.

What do I do for an encore? I hook up with chef Jose Andrés' and partner with Operation BBQ Relief. We build a 48-foot trailer that houses a commercial kitchen with a flat top, six burners, smoker, ice machine, all the ♥♥♥♥. So whenever disaster strikes, we can help within hours.

If there’s anything we can learn from me is that good works can come from honest places. I'm never running defense, I don't try to get people to think I'm cool, I simply am.