Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M. I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, Hackettstown, NJ U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

你的骨頭看起來很冷。將它們放入烤箱中。把罪孽燒掉。重獲新生。

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢎⠱⠊⡱⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡠⠤⠒⠒⠒⠒⠤⢄⣑⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡤⠒⠝⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠲⢄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡴⠋⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣢⠐⡄⠀⠉⠑⠒⠒⠒⣄
⠀⠀⠀⣀⠴⠋⠀⠀⠀⡎⢀⣘⠿⠀⠀⢠⣀⢄⡦⠀⣛⣐⢸⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢘
⡠⠒⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⡰⢅⠣⠤⠘⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⣤⡋⠙⠢⢄⣀⣀⡠⠊
⢇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠜⠁⠀⠉⡕⠒⠒⠒⠒⠒⠛⠉⠹⡄⣀⠘⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠑⠂⠤⠔⠒⠁⠀⠀⡎⠱⡃⠀⠀⡄⠀⠄⠀⠀⠠⠟⠉⡷⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠹⠤⠤⠴⣄⡸⠤⣄⠴⠤⠴⠄⠼⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Lemme dig my big man hands into your little baby skull

You laugh so hard you cry