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As I float into the the celestial abyss of the greater Crab Nebula I am not filled with regret for having left my world, but rather happiness for having left it a better place.
You’re welcome gentlemen
As I exited my vehicle to walk into work I caught scent of a female in heat 73.35 meters upwind. Because of the fog I couldn’t see her yet but judging by the scent she was mid twenties, and healthy. My ultra attunated hearing was able to pick up her gait, which put her at about 5’6”. My mind, free of the constraints of porn and indecent imagery, was able to calculate her weight based on the ripple in the testosterone continuum produced by her footsteps as she walked away from me.
Being that I was 10 minutes early for work, I made chase and followed her through the fog still without visual contact. I was like a pilot navigating the white abyss by instrument alone. I was trailing her about 130m behind when I sensed her phone vibrate in her purse through the pavement. Holding my ear to the ground I was able to faintly pick up on the conversation she was having with beta BF. Based on the annoyed tone in her voice I knew now was the time to strike.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."