mr breast my beloved

I was sitting on a bench at the park, feeding the ducks. This man walks over to me and says he will give me $10,000 out of the blue. Obviously I was suspicious of his motivations and politely refused.

“I understand your skepticism!” he said, “but set aside your distrust, as this is your lucky day! Can’t you see I am the renowned YouTube celebrity and philanthropist, Dr. Beast? I house the homeless and lighten the indigent’s load, and all I ask in exchange is the smallest of things; a mere ‘like’ or ‘sub’. What do you say?”

He reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a thick stack of crisp $100 bills, which he thrust before my face.

“What reason do I have to take your money, Dr. Beast?” I asked. “I pay for my bread and roof by the sweat of my brow, and everything else I need the Good Lord provides. What else could I want?”

“Obstinate fool!” He shouted. “God is dead, but with this we can become AS God!” He gestured to the bills in his trembling hand. They were crisp no longer, his tightening grip turning them into a crumpled mess. “With this you can have everything! Respect, power, love! No item unobtainable, no excess out of reach! In the secret heart of every Man there is a yearning for more. Tell me what you desire, and I will make it so!”

“You’re right, there is something I desire.”

“Yes? Yes! Of course!” His eyes were now flickering with the fires of victory. “Of course! No Man is without a Price. Come, whisper into my ear what you desire, and you shall have it!”

“I desire that you lower your voice”, I said serenely. “You see, your shouting is scaring the ducks away”.

The light of victory in his eyes was extinguished. The now-crumpled bills fell from his slackened grip, to be caught by the wind and scattered like dry leaves. He slunk away, muttering to himself that it was “impossible” that someone had “defeated him at last”, but I didn’t pay him much attention.

I continued feeding the ducks in peace.