we can't shoot for ♥♥♥♥

I hate women so much that I've stopped watching porn that features women, as I can't stand to see them enjoying themselves, and started watching gay porn.
Now, hear me out. I've always been attracted to women, at least I think I have. Although I find most ugly, I find some to be very beautiful, just unachievable.
But thinking back to it I've always liked the look of men better, I never thought it was a gay thing, just more a self-comparison thing. Back when I watched the straight stuff I would focus on the guy, but not because I was into him, but to know what my body should look like.
I know this is very gay behaviour, but I've always imagined being with a woman, marrying a woman, starting a family. I've asked countless on dates despite being rejected.
I know I'm not gay, but times like this make me doubt myself.
I'm honestly kinda scared. I hope I'm not.