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This is my my last journal for this blog because this is not private anymore, Here's something I wrote when I was in the hospital.

I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ everything up. I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up my job and I couldn't take it. I couldn't face my coworkers. I took NyQuil, Whisky and my anxiety meds and tried to overdose. I wasn't sure it would kill me, but I was confident it would knock me out. I went to the creek in the hopes that when I passed out I might drown, which is a death I romanticized some time ago. I couldn't drown myself and the cold water was keeping me up, so I walked back home and went to bed. This was the first time I felt a kind of regret in a suicide attempt, but it was already to late.I figured either it kills me in my sleep, or I would just sleep for a while, wake up, and everything would just go back to normal. Instead I ended up throwing up. And because of that, I got my brother involved in all of this. I wanted to keep this side of myself far away from him, but he had to call an ambulance because I tried to kill myself.

I also ruined my mom's vacation because now she'll be worried about me and blaming herself for not doing anything and leaving. And when I get back, she won't trust me with medicine or anything sharp. And my extended family also knows about this, going back home is going to be very different.

On top of that,I still don't know how to handle my job. I can't work there, but I can't quit. And I don't want my mom to have to support me all my life, but I can't function in society.

It would have better off if I died. Life is going to be so different now and I'm dragging everyone through this again.