Now if you're reading this, you want to become a proficent kart racer. Long story short, i'm your guy.

I'm not gonna sit here and try to get inside the mind of my disiple, you know? Invading their privacy. What do they want? Some kart skills. So that's what i'll give them. They can come to me for my teachings and take away whatever lessons they want. I'm not gonna judge them or question their motivations for pursuing these skills.
I just get it. You don't gotta explain youself to this guy.
That said, follow my instructions and you have my guarantee you'll become a fully fledged racer.


For some background information, I was once in your position. I absolutely sucked at riding karts and i'd try to get better through practice and it never worked. I'd drive around, but It would just swerve me to death. They say practice makes perfect, but that just wasn't the case for me.
No matter how far I raced, no matter how hard I skirted, no matter how badass my wheel breaking off was- I never had sucess with the karts. Oh boy, there had been so much I had yet to know.

If you've tried spontantous field testing and failed, then i'm sure you can share the frustrated sentiment, but trust me there's a reason things are this way. It's because you require a master. There is no alternative. It's the only way.

A true teacher posesses the knowledge and wisdom to guide you through the tire-lined tracks of your own mind. To teach how to rear your eyeballs around a corner in a jailbreak of information. Escape.
You have so much that you don't know about. Your brain is much akin to a mine in an age before bronze, or a tree with it's impenetrable bark shielding it's juicy delicious sap from the hostile sap-theives of the world. You haven't been allowed to tap into this portion of your brain because the higher-ups have us wired this way.


Luckily for you, I am a true teacher.

To begin, we need to clarify some basics. Today we're going to go over kart maintenance. Your kart is going to need lots of care and love to stand the test of time. It's not invincible.
To get the best life out of your kart, you should strictly adhere to the priciples as follows in this chapter. If you stray from my advice, your kart's preformance is going to strongly suffer and it may prematurely break down leaving you in a bad situation.
Now most generally agree that karts are not human, but people's opinions aren't going to really matter here. Just place all your trust into me and into your kart. Seriously.



Taking care of your kart is no task to be taken lightly. You're going to want to get intimately familar with your kart. You and your kart will foster an unbreakable bond that's bound to transcend our plane of existence. Utilize the relationship well.

You're going to want to etch the following creed into the very fiber of your being;

"This is my kart. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My kart is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
Without me, my kart is useless. Without my kart, I am useless. I must race my kart true. I must race straighter than my enemy who is trying to beat me. I must finish before he finishes. I will…
My kart and I know that what counts in a race is not the corners we drift, the noise of our engine, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the victory that counts. We will win…
My kart is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its frame, its engine and its suspension. I will keep my kart clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will…
Before God, I swear this creed. My kart and I are the defenders of racing. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of the race.
So be it, until victory is my karts and I and there is no enemy, but glory!"



First things first, for essential upkeep purposes, you're going to need a designated zone to tweak and repair your kart. This area is called your Mechanic Hideout.

I currently use an open field. However, you could choose a sewer tunnel, as those are common in most areas of civilization (unless you live in a flip-flop culture[en.wikipedia.org]). I started off using a sewer tunnel to make additions to my kart and improve it's preformance. But I started to have a real bad bat problem in that tunnel, unfortunately. I abandonded that Hideout in favor of moving my operations to other lands. (hence the open field referenced above and imaged below).


This tunnel is an example of a great starter Mechanic's Hideout. It consists of the huge concrete tubes layed together under the ground, typically designed for rain runoff or sewage transport in municipilities. A little sewer sludge shouldn't be a problem, in fact, it actually builds up a nice layer of slick grime on the framing of your kart, making it even more durable for the future.


One that slowly slopes down, as depicted in the diagram below, is a fantastic idea. Often you'll find rainwater runoff tunnels have slopes to guide the water in a given direction. Try to find one of these if you can. Ideally you'd aim to set up your Mechanics Hideout in a zone similiar to [5], [6], or [7].


If you're having issues finding an adequate tunnel, please consult this resource[www.wikihow.com].

Rule #1: Study the following image, and practice emulating the technique and posture as closely as possible. This is the ideal posture to be racing in. It's precise mechanisms of action are classified, however we know it maximizes your aerodynamics.



Rule #2: Keep a hand of the wheel. We don't want a sloppy joppy out there.
Feel free to smoke, drink, and drive, so long as you keep a hand on the wheel.
Drive responsibly.


Rule #3: DO NOT ride on someone else's kart without having the proper mod[forums.bistudio.com] installed. You'll be flung off to ragdoll straight to certain doom. Even if certain doom is what you desire, this isn't the way to go about it, there's more effective ways to die, like seppuku.
Just don't be a ricky.



Rule #4 Steer clear of offroading near shores, you very well may turn into a sinking ship.
Unless you're extremely confident in your karting skills, steer away of these babies for a while.
If you must venture near these danger zones, do not accelerate past an appropriate speed for the area. Recklessness is only going to sink your kart. Stay patient and vigilant while operating your kart at all times.



Rule #5: Long flowing hair is preferable. It will function as a banner of sorts, much like the olden Medieval days in which a clan's banner would be hung to display an armies alleigence. Throw on a wig or a helmet at least if you don't have some long locks. It'll look dope in the wind and you'll be a prominent figure to rememeber as you zoom by someone, trust me.

Sidenote; Don't let it get stuck in the engine. Your hair will definitely get ripped off your scalp, so don't be a dumb ♥♥♥♥♥[www.mirror.co.uk].


With all of this in mind, you should be ready to hit the streets...PSYCHE. These common man's tips will aide you in general kart situations but they lack the minutiae required to effectively wield a kart as an extension of yourself. You still have a lot to learn.

Who is befitting of riding a kart?

This is a complicated question with an equally complicated answer. We shall discover that the truth is messy. You see, humans do not naturally possess worthiness of riding a cart. It is a essence of being which must be courted towards your life form. This process is a long trial, and some who begin the journey never live to see the end of their work. However, this does not mean that their work was futile. Their work is difficult, and they were fully aware before they started it. So why did they work so hard? Why is it such a difficult and lengthy operation to court the essence of worthiness, and why would one desire it? Well, this is because humans and karts have an uncomfortable history which has yet to be reconciled by the leaders of both nations. For now we will touch on the current process, and leave the history for later. But just as Iranians and Americans can play chess together without a nuclear holocaust, humans and karts too can, at times, put aside their differences to cooperate to achieve their mutual goals. I will show you how to become one of these divide spanners.


The goals of the participants must align from the beginning, otherwise a contentious relationship will emerge regarding the future direction of the team and they will split sooner than a banana in an hungry ape's hand. Thus, we must determine what is the goal of riding a kart and how can we align it with that of our kart's, and what is the most ethical way to conduct a human-kart relationship. If this basis is not concrete on ethical grounds, then the kart may rebel and construct a nation state of karts governed by sharia law and create nuclear programs.

The first goal of riding a kart is to be a free spirit. You are not on any order, beckon, call, or command. Yet, you maintain precision focus on the dynamic energies that battle within you that yearn to thrive, experience, and survive.



*to be continued*

*to be continued*