Hey you, yea you! Ever wanted the entire transcript for Battleblock Theater?
Well shut up, because now you can with this sharp cutting of the edge guide!
There may still be a few UNINTENTIONAL errors here and there.
Thanks for stoppin' by and enjoy!

◈ Spoiler Alert!

◈ Voice Artist: Will Stamper

◈ Thumbnail Artist[www.deviantart.com]

◈ All Audio Files[www.sounds-resource.com]

▶ 〈 Cutscenes 〉 Chapters 1 - 9

▶ 〈 Cutscenes 〉 2011 Intro

▶ 〈 Cutscenes 〉 2011 Prologue


▶ 〈 In-game Cutscenes 〉 Intro

▶ 〈 In-game Cutscenes 〉 Intro Part II

▶ 〈 In-game Cutscenes 〉 Vault Ending


▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 General

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Level Start

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Level Rank

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Customization

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Death/Failure

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Betrayal

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Gems

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Yarn

▶ 〈 Quotes 〉 Golden Hat


▶ 〈 Extra 〉 Miscellaneous and Unused Dialogue


▶ 〈 Trailers 〉 Steam Announcement Trailer

▶ 〈 Trailers 〉 Steam Release Trailer

▶ 〈 Trailers 〉 Release Date Trailer

▶ 〈 Trailers 〉 Launch Trailer

▶ 〈 Trailers 〉 Story Trailer


▶ 〈 Songs 〉 Hatty Song

▶ 〈 Songs 〉 Buckle Your Pants

▶ 〈 Songs 〉 Hall of Dudes

▶ 〈 Songs 〉 Finale

▶ 〈 Songs 〉 Secret Area

Good evening boys and girls.

Ladies, (Mmm-tk-tk) and gentlemen. Turn the lights down low and shut your faces as I wrap you in the cozy blanket of a story. A story as heart warming and soft as a mother's kiss, or is it? Shhhhh

Once upon a time, there was a boat! Now this wasn't just any boat children, it was a ship! A ship full of friends, hundreds of friends, best friends one-and-all! A veritable friend-ship it was! Get it?

But it wouldn't be very ladylike of me if I didn't mention the most noteworthy friend on board:
Hatty Hattington. Say hi to Hatty!

Hatty was like... king friend of friendship kingdom, best friend to one and all, and the walking definition of 'handsome gentlemen'!

Now one fine morning, Hatty and pals set out for a new, exciting adventure! What fantastic wonders will they discover this time? Perhaps they'd come across a scary ghost ship! Perhaps they'd find an island, made entirely of candy! Perhaps they'd meet a band of scary, swashbuckling pirates...
and join forces to find an island made entirely of candy!

Who knew? But it didn't matter - So long as they were together, there were smiles to be had and adventures to be shared.

Now today was a day like any other adventurey day. Spirits were uncrushably high, everyone was singing and dancing and having a jolly time! When suddenly the ocean was all like "Surprise!" and a huge, massive storm brewed out of nowhere!

*Whshooooo-Whshoo-Whooshooshmblhm*

...boy, that was quick!

*Whjooshoojheh*

And there was thunder, BOOM!

And the lightning, BOOM!

And the wind, BOOMmmShooshooshushsh*

- and like that, it was over.

'Is everyone okay?' Said Hatty, 'I don't know what I'd do if I lost even one of you!' Hatty... continued.

But the eye of the storm is very misleading, children. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT
Because the ocean was all like "Psyche!" and it came back, even bigger this time, twice as big!

*Wshoooshoooshoo*

As if Poseidon himself extended his hand in friendship and they spat in his mouth!

*Whoo-shuloosgrbrbrbrshajaju-shju*

Boy he was pis.. he was mad!

*shoo-weshoomehshu*

And the rain came down like a shower of bullets, ah...ahhh! And the floorboards were buckling and creaking and breaking and pieces of their ship were raining down like shards of broken dreams.

And then Reginald comes upstairs and he's all like, "I say gentlemen, I do believe we’re in quite a spot of bother!" and everyone else was like, "Really? What tipped you off, genius?" and then Hatty was all like, "Heeey, be nice!"

*Whshooo-shooshshoosh!*

Huge, giant waves thrashed the boat to-and-fro, fro-and-to, carelessly sprinkling friend after friend into the cold, unforgiving abyss of the deep, dark ocean.
EVERYONE was screaming like, "HELP ME!" Splash! Splash!

And there was this huge whale like, "Mwaaahhhh!" and made it super scary, and I think there was a shark!

*Wshoo*

Yup there he is! Oh God!

*Whohoo-Shudleshumbleded*

And then Hatty was all like, "Hold on to your butts, Land Ho!"

And Bang! Bang Bang, Smash! A shipwreck! As foretold by their fate-books of... fate! And while it seems like the end... this is merely the beginning of another fantastic journey for the brave crew of the S.S Friend... ship.

You sure know how to make the best of a confusing and hopeless situation! But boy, this place is QUITE the enigma, wouldn't you say? I would!

And you know, a little warning would have been nice. You know, before they threw us head first into this gladiatorial, prisony place. With its, perilous melody of twisted stage productions that shreds the silky fabric which weaves together the fragile blanket of sanity that keeps us sane.

But you know, whatever. Either way, it's safe to say we're in QUITE a pickle jar here! We gotta rescue our friends and get back to Mr. Boat!

I mean they'd do the same for you, and adventuring just wouldn't be the same without...

I dunno, THIS guy! Best chef in ALL the land, food so stupid delicious one taste would blow your face through the back of your head. Like BANG, SPLAT!

And who could forget this quirky fellow? Ya know, he owns a bat farm back home, and his lifelong dream is to breed a terrifying race of SUPER-BATS! None of which makes any sense of course, because he's absolutely terrified of bats.

And this lovely lass always tells the BEST bedtime stories, HANDS DOWN! Plus, she always smells like chocolate! So that's good!

And then there's this guy and... this handsome fellow and.. that.. thing, dheshu!

All your best friends, IMPRISONED! And they don't like it very much because it's BAD and HORRIBLE.

And then there's Hatty... the best friend of all! Why did he stab us in the back and twist the blade? I mean just this morning he gave everybody flowers and presents and now he goes out of his way to hurt our feelings?

Oh, I think not - you can't fool me! Hatty would NEVER betrayal us.. b-betray us NEVER!

Something fishy's is going on here and I think I don't like it right now at all.

It must have something to do with that scary, albeit fashionable hat!

Sure looks evil... I mean it's glowing red and stuff! Glowy red stuff is always bad. Everybody knows that!

So what dangerous treats lie in store as we continue to unravel this treacherous sweater?

I don't know. But use caution as you continue your gallant endeavor!

Dont, don't like... fail and... die and stuff CAUSE IT'S ALL UP TO YOU NOW!

Wh... Why'd it, Why'd it do that? That was... that was scary...

Way to bite the bullet so far! You don't even complain about the prison food!

Which is shocking, because that stuff tastes like doo-doo casserole! With a side of butt-salad.

But best of all your riveting performances have the theater bursting at the seams with excited patrons! And with all this extra cash you're raking in, the theater can afford some serious improvements and really start beefing up these horrifying shows of murdery death to appease the fickle crowd!

S-so, so that's... good?

And what's the deal with hatty? He just creepily looms around the theater all day...

LOOK at him LOOMING!

It seems like he's been forcefully-forced to manage this place! Well it... looks that way.

He just sorta' sits there. Just as productive as one can be. Yyyep, living life to the fullest!

WHOA, SLOW DOWN BUDDY!

YES SIR, fulla' salt and pep'.

FULL OF PEE N' VINEGAR!

OVERFLOWING WITH YOUTHFUL ENERGY - SAY SOMETHING HATTY!

*Owealawoleauh!*

CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE? (rim shot) ...Shut up.

Ya know people really seem to be a precious and rare commodity in this strange part of the world. Seems our little boat wreck was a delicious gift from the heavens... gods.

And these bizarre cats are taking full advantage of us. What cruel fate left them to roam the grounds of this scary old theater, desperately ruling these bleak premises' with an iron fff- paw?
And just how long have they been orchestrating this sinister scheme?

I mean... avert your eyes, children... AVERT THEM!

There's boney people skeletons, everywhere! Scary, Right?

Now I'm no genius, but I definitely know how long it takes for a body to decompose, so this musta been going on for at least...

W, wait... scratch that... thing I said... *Uchkmmm*

So do you possess the courage to soldier onward and uncover the mysterious mystery behind this grim world? Or will your hilarious death screams be drowned out by sound of your own hilarious death screams?!

We shall see! We shall see, we shall see, ...'ya see?

You've really got the crowd eating from your delicate hands now. There's never a dull moment with you at the helm. Sept’ for maybe like twice...

But I gotta hand it to you... You've got quite the unbreakable spirit!

I mean I'm not nearly as brave as you. If I was in your capably nimble shoes, I'd say "to heck with hatty and my friends, they'll be fine!"

Then I'd pack myself a nice bag lunch, show these cats my faaavorite finger and then i’d make like horse turds and hit the trail.

But I'm not you! And you’re not horse turds - no sirs!

You, are the very definition of the cat's PJs!

And speaking of which, these cats are truly bizarre! Why are they here?

I mean I've got my theories...

Perhaps they're aliens, from another world! Maybe they're genetic experiments, GONE AWRY! Or could it be that they were once normal kitties? NORMAL kitties who evolved into the strange, unpleasant creatures we see before us?

These... hideously adorable abominations with their… beady eyeballs, GIANT, BLOODTHIRSTY… tiny mouthfangs, slashy pawclaws and stanky-funk breath.

Plus they're awfully rude and crabby. I think they all need girlfriends or something!

I'm a cat, seee? I'm grouchy, see?! I like to run around all day and hurt people's feelings, seeeee?

But don't take them lightly... although sassy and lazy by nature, cats are awfully crafty and finding a weak spot in that bright orange, furry armor might prove DIFFICULTY! M... Uh minus the "Y"

They're always watching, children... I see them lurking in the shadows... LURKING HARD!
Or hardly lurking, seeee?

On that note, this whole theater's like a bad joke! But how did things get so bad?

At one time this theater was a nice place with flowers in every vase and smiles on everyone's mouth.. faces. Can you believe it? I wouldn't believe it.

I mean if YOU told me that, I'd more than likely call you a liar, and walk away.

And um.. find some place to get ice cream to replenish the innocence you blackened with your filthy deceits!

I like strawberry... JUST KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU as you descend deeper into the belly of the beast... and perhaps you'll find a way to put an end to this madness!

Take my dainty hand as I whisk you back to a time long forgotten! LONG before the sh- the POOP hit the fan... here.

The year was 17...0...50..9...ish whatever.

Self-made billionaire, cat fanatic, and theatrics aficionado Purrham Furbottom set out to create the BIGGEST, RITZIEST, most THRILL-INDUCINGIST theater ever! And he did!

And it was THE talk of THE town.

Trust me, if you weren’t there, you most assuredly square!

People were seriously like: “What, you weren’t there? What are you; a NERD?”

Opening night was a thing to behold, as LORD Furbottom organized the GRANDEST, JAW-DROPPINGEST show ever seen! There was explosions and dancing girls! Dancing girls who exploded! Exotic animals! Exotic animals who exploded!

Incredible feats of magic and wonder with fantastic production values all around.

Furbottom sat for days on end, marveling at his breathtaking creation and packing handfuls of delicious, buttery popcorn into his mouth.

But alas, his illogical contempt for intermissions ultimately caused his demise, and during the show, Furbottom passed away - having pooped himself to death on the way to the bathroom. Legend says he clenched his butt as hard a he could, but his little cheeks just gave out.

Furbottom left nothing behind but his beloved theater, his precious kitties, his hat... and of course, his bloated corpse - which was lovingly drifted out to sea, and immediately ravaged by sharks. And that, children - is the legend of Purrham Furbottom!

A respectable, and apparently delicious, ahh-gentlemen.

But the show must go on, right? RIGHT!

For thousands of years Purrham’s hat passed from head to head, leader to leader - and the theater still operates to this very day! And what a piece of crap it’s become!

I bet Purrham is rolling over in his sharks right now. I mean everything’s poorly run and the whole place stinks like pee and feet….

And with everyone involved walking a fine line between moodiness and full blown insanity, it's only a matter of time before something truly horrifying happens!

But try to keep a sunny disposition as you sink further into darkness, yeah? Nobody likes a crybaby.

Purrham’s hat sure is a mystery. It vexes me so, it truly does! But where did it come from? Well children - some say the hat was blessed by a voodoo witch doctor. And then cursed by another voodoo witch doctor like, 20 minutes later!

Others claim Purrham was adventuring through the treacherous Caves of the Nightmare Princess, when he found the hat perched atop a GIANT RUBY! A ruby that naturally formed into the shape of a skull! A HUMAN skull! Ahhh!

But you know what I think, children? I think the hat is haunted by all the souls of its previous owners, ALL their dreams and failures mashed together in a frantic, poisonous scramble of grumpiness and conflicting viewpoints!

But i’m the dumb one, right?

I mean you got these voodoo... Nightmare princess thingies, easily the biggest crocks of sh.. STUFF i’ve ever heard in my entire life, but i’m the DUMB one. That’s fine!

And not just anyone can don the hat, you know - it calls out only to those who embody the exemplary qualities required!

Charity, bravery, handsomeness, gentle-manity, inoffensive smell, E.T.C. And of course, proper head size. Guess that explains why cats can’t wear it.

Plus, who ever heard of a cat in a hat, that’s preposterous AND HEAVY WEIGHS THE CROWN…

He who wears the hat, calls the shots - and in a time long forgotten, maintained balance, and ensured that everyone was plump and happy and wanted for nothing!

But all good things come to an end, children.

Well, that’s not entirely true I… I figure pizza will always exist. *Plot Twist!*

But this hat? Lets just say it’s days of benevolent guidance are LOOONG over with...

You might as well flip it over and use it as a toilet!

I mean Hatty hasn’t lifted a FINGER to spread the wealth or encourage smiles, and the theater staff is really starting to feel unappreciated.

OH - OH LOOK!

This smoldering unrest has given birth to a precious little storm cloud!

Aww, lookit’ his little raindrops and if things don’t change around here, this LITTLE cloud’s gonna grow up into a big, giant, SCARY cloud and spray us all with a drenching downpour of horrifying madness!

But don’t lose sight of your mission.. Hatty needs you more than ever now!

And I know things look bleak, but even the word hopeless has hope in it!

Plus, if you re-arrange the letters, it spells PEESLOSH!

The last part was probably unnecessary, I'm sorry.

Now it goes without saying, but cats realllly don’t like being ignored - and my oh my, the staff is really upset now.

The lack of proper leadership has really twisted their fanny-cheeks! HARD!

Where’s the appreciation? Where’s the sparkly moneys at? Oh yeah, Good one “bro”.

And as you continue to conjure magic to distract the masses, your efforts seem in vain - as your constant struggle to save Hatty and your friends has only created grander spectacles, with harder obstacles to overcome!

How’s THAT for a double-edged sword? Sharp, right?!

And the audience loves it. The applause is deafening. The sandpapery kisses are plentiful and tickly, and they always want more. MORE! BIGGER! HARDER! THAT’S WHAT SHE S.. I mean uh..

THIS place is turning into quite the impressive palace of horror now!

I mean you’re gonna be up to your THROAT in CATS and... LASERS like...

BYEW, BYEW, BYEW, BYEW

..and SPIKEY things like..

SHING, sh-SHING, SHING... SHING

...and BOMBS and EXPLOSIONS like…

BANG-buhBANG-BANG-BANG!

So i’d stay on my toes if I were you…

BANG!

‘Cause it’s gonna be a massacre! A FUNHOUSE of death, except TWICE.. No, THREE times as deadly! And to ice this little predicament-cake of yours, the staff is SICK of Hatty’s bullsh... B - uh.. NONSENSE!

They’re SICK of him! LOOK how upset they are!

GAZE IN HORROR AT THE DISORDERLY DISORDER!

MYEAWW, MYEAAA, SEEE?

Aren't you scared? You should be!

BANG, CRASH.. CRASH-BANG!

MYEAAH!

Kinda... Hard to do it justice with these little thingies, but trust me it’s TERRIBLE! Everyone’s naked and rioting and… POOPING on the floor.

*PBBBTBTBTB*

And clawing the expensive curtains (Come on guys, they’re expensive)

EVERYTHING’s going up in a horrifying blaze of CHAOS!

...Plus the picnic was canceled and i’ve, kinda got a little headache coming on and...
IT JUST NEVER ENDS!

But go forth and give it your all! I won’t believe you’ve fought and died for nothing.

And perhaps, when it’s all over… I’ll meet you in the afterlife whilst’ perusing the hall of heroes, WHERE THE BRAVE LIVE FOREVER!

...THERE’S ALSO A HALL of losers and failures, you don’t want to end up there. Trust me, It’s embarrassing!

I admire your tenacity, truly I do. Fo’ Sho’!

But things have really gotten out of control here..

You’ve all quickly gone from precocious, lovable scamps to problematic liabilities! How ridiculous! Are we truly the only sane people on this twisted island?

Or... perhaps WE’RE the crazy ones… and THEY’RE all sane? What a twist that would be!

...No, that’s impossible, these guys are bat-poop crazy!

We gotta get to hatty A-S-A-P... As soon as PYURRRM, like a bullet! Mega, SUPERY fast!

But you gotta get through that vault and get that key, first - and this particular vault is more dangerous than telling a GIRL she’s CHUBBY! ( OH MY GOD ) I know, right?

It’s a poop-inducing nightmare in there! You're gonna be killed until you're dead!

But.. ya know. Put your big-girl panties on. Everybody has problems.

And not to add ANOTHER ingredient to your rich, chunky stew of personal problems - but the staff’s out for blood now - and they mean BUSINESS!

Their spirits have grown faaar too weary, children and a weary spirit requires sustenance!

RICH, BUTTERY SUSTENANCE!

Sustenance as ONLY sustened' by killing Hatty and starting this insanity all over again, with a new person!

What a counter-productively FUTILE charade this is! When will they shatter their shackles of ignorance to transcend the bane of their self-inflicted miser..

WHEN WILL THEY STOP BEING STUPID, CRAZY, DUMB JERKS?!

EVERYONE’S KIND OF SICK OF IT.

But I guess there’s no reasoning with madness. Or cats, for that matter!

Seriously, try talking sense into a cat - they just stare at you with their lifeless, patronizing eyeballs for like… a couple of seconds, and then they just walk away!

And then you’re like... d-don’t turn your back on me!

And they’re like MYEAHHH!

And then you’re all like, tch-MMBshuh.

And then they’re all like MYEAAAAAH!

But it is what it is, I guess.

So are you ready for the most importantly-important mission of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? I hope so!

It’s time to show these guys they picked the WROOONG boat of friends to tangle with!

Just hold on a little longer, homie - WE’RE COMING FOR YOU!

It’d be nice if you could… meet us halfway but.. You know, whatever.

MYEAAAAH!

And so, we’ve finally made it back to the boat, after a harrowing, exhausting adventure!

I bet your dogs are barkin’!

I mean let's face it - most of that ordeal was unpleasant to the point of sucking a whole lot!

But now it’s time to relax in the forbidden moonlight of yesterday's promises! ...Whatever that means, and treat ourselves to a nice big mug of hot cocoa!

Whaddya’ say. Hatty?

But Hatty wasn’t his normal, jovial self anymore, children.

He didn’t say a word.

He didn’t even respond to hugs! Freakin’ HUGS! He loves hugs!

But he wasn’t moving.

He wasn’t even blinking.

Where has he gone to?

Where…?

( Hatty Song Plays followed by the Buckle Your Pants song )

“Oh I get it.. Ohm mh, yes… it all makes sense now!”

( End )

Good evening boys and girls.

Ladies, (Hmmm tk tk) and the Gentlemen.

Do get comfortable as I wrap you in the cozy blanket of a story. A story as heartwarming and soft, as a mother's kiss, or is it? (Shhhhh)

Now once upon a time there was these two guys, on an adventure! But they weren’t just any two guys. Oh no, they were best friends. The best of friends. Think about your best friend? Pretty good right? Wrooong, yours is worthless in comparison.

Eh, oh I can’t? Sorry.

Now, one of them had a square head and his name was Hatty. Hatty... Hatting... ton.

Say hi to hatty!

And his best friend here had a round head. And his name was, uh… He didn’t really have a name for some reason.

Also, they were on a boat. We, uh… That’s how they were adventuring. You see, Little boat.

(Choo Choo)

Oh and it was a grand adventure.

They were eating tasty snacks and telling each other scary stories and singing songs like, Like Hatty was all like…

Boat, boat, boat, boat

And then his round-headed friend was all doing back-ups like...

Boom buddha-boom-ba, boom buddha-boom-ba

So it was all like…

Boat buddha-boom-ba, Boat buddha-boom - an adventure on a boat. (putta tah)

And everything seemed to be ok.

When suddenly the ocean was all like “Surprise!”, and a stormed brewed.

*Wshoooo, whshoo wshoo… wshhhhhh…*

Boy that was quick!

*Wshh-wshhhoo*

Huge giant waves!

*Wshh-wshhhoo*

Oh and bigger than that.

*Wshhh-wshhhoo*

And there was thunder… Boom!

And the lightning… Boom!

And the wind… Boo- *wshhhhooo-wshhooo*

And like that, it was over.

“Oh, thank goodness that’s over”, said Hatty, to… his friend.

“Gave me an awful fright”, Hatty continued.

But the eye of the storm can be very misleading children. Never turn your back on it, because the ocean was all like “PSYCHE!”

And it came back even bigger this time, twice as big!

*Wshh-wshhooo*

As if poseidon himself extended his hand in friendship and they spat in his mouth!

*Wshhoooo-WHOOshooo*

Boy he was pis- he was mad!

And the rain came down like a shower of bullets!

(Ahh, AHHH!)

*Wshhhoooo*

And the floorboards were buckling and creaking and breaking and pieces of their ship were raining down like shards of broken dreams.

*Wsshhooo-Washhoooo*

And Hatty was all like, “Ahhh, This isn’t good.”

And there was this huge whale and he was all like, “MMWHHAAA!”

And made it super scary!

And I think there was a shark...

*Wsshhooo-Washhoooo*

Yep, there he is, oh god!

*Wsshhooo-Washhoooo*

It was an unbelievable nightmare!

*Wshhhhh…*

And all of a sudden, it was over.

Vanished, on the wings of a dream.

And so it was written, in their fate books of… fate.

That they were to experience a shipwreck.

(In game Continues)

What will they do?

Find something to eat perhaps?

Perhaps take shelter in this abandoned theater on this mysterious island.

Who knows? I don’t. Do you? I don’t, Do you? I don’t, Do yo-

Welcome, to Battleblock Theater!

So, it appears that our adventuring friends here have found shelter in this abandoned theater.

“Hmm, what a peculiar place”, said Hatty, to his… friend.

Oh and they found a hat. A top hat of sorts, lucky day! I think one of you need to try it on for size.

Ahh, no.. I think it would look better on Hatty - HATTINGTON, perhaps?

Ahh, splendid, it fits! And your looking awful sharp there hatty.

Mr. Hattington.

I say we go find some girls and have a night on the town. Or a night on the frown, what’s this?

Is everything OK bud? Hatty? Uh oh, Ok, with the hat, what's going on?!

Ahh! I mean, the hat appeared to be glowing with a scary bright red, evil aura… And our little round headed friend was like, “I sure hope this is a good thing and not a bad thing.”

And that’s when the cat's crept in from the shadows, "Really?" Their eyes piercing like tiny light bulbs. Soft bright orange delicate fur. Giant bloodthirsty tiny fangs. And needle sharp slashy claws, Ahhh!

And our little round headed pal was like, “I sure hope this is a good thing and not a bad thing too.”

“Ah it’s bad, it’s all bad, no thank you, please stop!” He screamed.

And suddenly he was being shackled and Enslaved and betrayed by his very best friend!

Oh hatty…

As our little round headed friend was being dragged away to some gladiatorial, prisony, colosseum place- All he could wonder is…

“Why, Why Hatty, Hattington WHY!

And what does prison food taste like?

And what is going on!

And how can he stop it!”

Stop it… Stop it… stop it… it…

( End )

What a strange, mysterious island!

And what's this?

The shore is riddled with little friend-sized footprints!

I guess the tide brought them to land!

How utterly convenient!

But where have they gotten to?

Who knows?

I don’t. Do you? I don’t. Do you? I don’t.

Do-WELCOME, TO BATTLEBLOCK THEATER!

GO INSIDE!

Th.. THE DOOR!

When you’re.. ANYTIME.

( After entering )

Hmmm, maybe our friends came in here, to take shelter from the rain!

That’s smart! But jeez, what a gloomy place!

Ever heard of spring cleaning?

Oh happy day, it’s Hatty!

And look, he’s made some wonderful new friends!

Oooh, and they got him a present!

How thoughtful!

Hey wait a second, I don’t think that was a present!… AHHH

Those guys aren't wonderful new friends, are they!

Just.. stay hidden and keep quiet!

They haven’t seen you yet!

OH NO, They see you!

Clench your butt, this isn’t gonna be good!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…

Yep! That wasn’t good.

That wasn’t good at all...

I salute you, I truly do!

Now let’s grab hatty and blow this popstand!

Hey Hatty stop messing around, buddy. Everyone's waiting for us!

Something's very wrong here...

Well, if you can’t carry yourself, then we’ll carry you... for... you.

Yea you see all that? Good luck with that.

And a hush falls over the audience. Plblblblb, sorry.

Ok clear your mind and be careful. Clear your mind!

Be careful, death kills people. It’s science!

It’s not that I don’t have faith in you, wait no that's it!

Goodbye in advance!

I don’t know, can you do it?

Don’t think, just go for it! Go go go go go go!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried!

Be careful, mommy loves you!

Most people die here, it’s ok if you do too.

Be careful this is really hard!

You better watch out, you better not die!

You can do it, so do it!

Well this looks safe.

Oh boy, this looks like fun.


Doesn’t look like it but it’s a whole lotta fun.

This is how you play, you see. You’ll get it.

This should be fun.

Hey doesn’t this look like a whole lotta fun?

What are you supposed to do, oh I see!

Go like this the most and you’ll probably win.

This is how you play, you see. You see, those little things…

M’kay so you go like this, and it’s a ton of fun. Trust me.

It doesn’t matter if you win or lose. Wait yeah it does, don’t lose! You’ll be a loser.


Ohh Naa Ahhh

Shhhh- Be quiet, I'm trying to watch Shhhh Shhhh!

Be very careful!

Calm your mind, clear your thoughts. Be calm, be clear. Calm and clear!

I’m on the edge of my seat!

Concentrate, concentrate, C- Oh, you’re trying to?

Don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up, don’t mess up……

Goodbye!

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh Be careful!

You got it, you got it. You’re ok!

Be very very very very very very very very very careful!


Going up!

Up we go!


Going down!


Woah, arent your feet cold!


Those blades are gonna turn you into chunks.

Don’t lose your head!


Wouldn’t it just suck butts if you exploded here?

Better watch out for those things that shoot things.


Uh oh! Trouble!

Um, maybe if you let them smell the back of your hand first, they won’t be mean!

Orange alert!

I hope you got a good weapon handy!

Oh no! Kitties!


Watch out for those spiky things. What are they called, oh spikes!

Those spikes are gonna kill youuuu!

Watch out for those spikes, they’ll stab you good.


Oh is it breakfast time?

I like mine with butter and jam!

Woah who proposed as toast?


Don’t fall in that liquidy stuff, you can’t swim!

Don’t forget you can’t swim!

Don’t fall in that water, I saw somebody peeing in it!

Everybody in the pool!


Don’t get zapped! Most people poop themselves then die, in that order!

Be careful, those things zap you so hard you’ll poop yourself and die.

Don’t let those things zap you! It burns and it hurts a lot!


This is your house baby. YOURS!

Yea!

Wahlalalalalala- WOAH

Wa-pahhh!

Stuffs it like a thanksgiving turkey!

BOOM Shaka-laka!

Shhhhabba-doobity BANG

Score!

Rubadubadubadubah!

Piya!

Pardon me?

Boom!

Put that burger right in his grill!

Byahhh!

Count it!

Dooowhatt?

It’s getting hot in here.

GGGOOOAAALLL

Hababababababababahaaaa

In your face!

Stay outta the kitchen punk!

Oh yeah!

You’ll be fine. Find the gems then find the door. It’s that easy, or is it?

I think you need to find some little sparkly gem shaped freedom keys, Wink-Wink

Trust me you’ll be fine. So long as you find the gems and don’t die! Good luck!

I sure hope you find gems and not death... Ahem.

I would love to tell you where they put the gems, but i'm not gonna!

Find the gems and put em’ in your pocket. Then find the door and you can unlock it!

Gems of three will set you free.

Shall we find some sparkly gems?

Ugh it smells like beef stew in here. It’s making me sick and hungry at the same time!

Time to find some gems. Time to find some gems. You need three… of them… s.

Find the gems to whisk you away from this horrible place.

Never lose hope! I know I did!


It's a lot like the normal game except you collect strawberries here. Delicious, delicious strawberries.

I think we should start calling strawberry marmalade, strawbarbalade so we save time… You’re stupid!

Couple more of these bad boys and we’ll have ourselves a tasty strawberry pie.

Mhhh hmmm, strawberries. So juicy, so sweet. Like a girl I'd love to meet.

Sorry no gems to be found here. Only strawberries, worthless, worthless strawberries.

Collect all the berries and mash em’ into jelly. Then make your girlfriend sandwiches until she gets a belly.

Ladies and gentlemen, pull out your berries and let’s jam!

They’re actually not strawberries at all. But a rare local fruit that look and taste exactly like strawberries! And the locals call them, strawberries.

Gmmie some of those berries, baby! Huahh!

Seems like strawberries are always in season on this island, hmm.

Could you please pick up some strawberries while you’re out and about, three should be fine.

Do you think people would still buy strawberries, if they were called fartberries or dookiefruits?

When I was a little boy, my grandma used to call me strawberry because I was shaped like one and I had really bad skin.

Did you know that the strawberry is neither a straw or a berry?

Wouldn’t it be weird if they made seedless strawberries? That would be so weird. Wouldn’t that be weird? That would be weird.

I heard girls don’t eat strawberries unless they’re dipped in chocolate first. Is that true?


That was all you.

One of your best yet.

Finally someone made it.

Sigh, it's a good thing that’s over.

Someone made it, finally.

Phew, let's move on.

Nicely done!

That wasn’t too bad, right?

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

That was ridiculously hard!

That was rough.

You’re not crying are you, oh ok.

You see, that wasn’t too bad.

That was ridiculous!

That was very unpleasant

Myyeaaoowwww!

Yaa Haaa!

All right!

Jyyeeaowwww

Wowwowwowwww!


Be careful if you lose your soul in the game, you lose it in real life. I’m serious, we mean business!

It’s a pretty innocent game. Minus all the spiritual consequences of stealing someone's soul n’ all. But other than that...

So that's what souls look like. Fat little ghosts with pointy tails, neat!

Next to your lips and eyeballs, your soul is the most important thing on your person.

If a normal soul weighs 21 grams, a fat person soul must weigh 21 gram... crackers.

I traded my soul a long time ago for a glass of chocolate milk, and I have no regrets.


Nothing like a good ol’ fashion prison brawl.

Get in there and bust some heads!

I want to see lots of cheap shots, lots of hitting below the belt. And all those other… illegal tricks.

Whatever you do, don’t start crying. You’ll only get beat harder! Trust me!

Let’s all join hands and smash each other's faces in.

Don’t encourage them, let’s be mature about this.. Fight! Fight Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

A reminder to everybody sitting in the first row, you might get a little messy.

This could easily go from fun to super fun if you run around screaming the whole time like: Mwaahhh! See! Mwahhh! Give it a try.


Get the best time to win, get the worst time to lose!

You have to run, you cannot walk for this is a race against the clouck… uh the clock.

Oh a time trial! And to make matters worse, it's super dangerous! Thank you! You’re welcome!

Just get the best time and shut up!

Just run like you have diarrhea and it's starting to come out… a little bit.

Get the best time and I'll give you a kiss! Because I love you.

It’s really simple, do this as fast as possible without dying or messing up.

Can you get the best time? I can. And have! A billion times over! I’m also a pathological liar. Or am I. I am! What's going on? I don’t know. Or do I? What?


Just stand on top of the gold blocks, it's simple!

Amuse us all with your keen ability to stand on a block.

Legend tells of a magical golden block and when you stand on this block… long story short, everybody died and all the girls loved me.

Stand on the golden blocks and keep other people off. Very simple and lessly infuriating.

I’m the king of the castle, you're a dirty rascal.

Usurp, the usurpable. What does usurp mean?

Wait, you stand on the golden blocks? I’ve been avoiding them the whole time. I’m dumb!


I like to follow all the other guys around and recolor all their blocks. It really infuriates them but I get a kick out of it!

Your legs are like tiny crayons and the world is your canvas. Now dance my little chubbies, dance!

I sure hope you’re fond of the color you chose, you’ll be seeing a lot of it.

I look to a day when people won’t be judged by the color of their skin but by the color of their blocks, which matches their skin.

If one of you is yellow and the other was brown, we can make this place look like a gas station bathroom!

Color the most blocks to win! Trust me it’s incredibly frustrating and your gonna want to kill yourself.

Remember to stay inside the lines!

Boom boom boom, color the room. A-Bee Bee Bee, time to go pee.


Who can collect the most sparkly golden cubies!

Make it rain Mr. Whale, make it rain!

When Mr. Whale flies by, don’t close your eyes! Cause golden delights, will rain from the sky!

Mr. Whale tra-la-la… Tell us your golden secrets… shhhhh.

I wish I had a flying safe to put my money in. You see my girlfriend is really short! Heyoo! (That’s great)

Grab the gold and find a… safe, place to put it.

You’ll need to be greedy if you want to suceedy.

Like golden drops of sunshine from a terrifying flying beast!


Tonight's game is brought to you by yarn. Yarn, it's a ball!

It’s pretty much exactly like soccer except for more like basketball and nothing like soccer.

Bah bah bah-dah bah-bah bah bah-dah baaooww. Rupp-bah Basketball!

Roop beh-doop beh-doop. Just pop it through the hoop!

Real world basketball would be so popular if they had spikes everywhere and all the players could die and…

Remember kids, gambling is wrong! But I got a lot of money riding on this game. Don’t let me down!

Just relax! At the end of the day it's just a basketball game. By the way you can kill each other!


Ride the enemy steed straight through obstacle town and straight into, victory… land.

Why don’t you guys just keep your own horses. This all, this all seems kinda pointless.

Steal the enemy horse and prance it back to your base!

They’re like plump little fruits and so very ripe for the stealing.

When you feed them with your hands, their little lips tickle your fingers, Hehehehehehe

Be careful horses bite, hard! I lost a finger once, in a completely unrelated incident. It was a mafia thing but…

I got a joke. Where do you take a sick horse… to the horse-pital! (Nahh) Hey, woah! (Boooooo)

Absolutely wonderful!

A perfect run!

A+!

The best score possible!

Here’s your cereal box toy!

Woaw! Even better than mama! *hehe*

Ding! A+!

Fan-Farting-Tastic!

Yes your good, stop fishing for compliments!

You're making me giddy! *hehe* *hehe*

I love youuu!

Inconceivable!

Couldn’t done it better myself.. Well.

I hope you other prisoners are taking notes.

You’re number one! Woo! You’re number one!.. You’re number one! Woo! You’re number one!

OH YEAHH!

I know a special prisoner whos getting seconds on dessert tonight.

Shhhockingly magnificent!

You spicy little fart!

Taught him everything he knows!

That one’s going on the fridge.

Oh you think you’re bad Huh?

I was just about to tell you how much you suck, turns out you don't suck.

An A+, of course, what else?

YES!

Oh, well look who got a shiny A+? You did!

Not many get an A+ on that level. It’s true ya know!

UNBElievable.


Almost an A+, almost!

And what i- IT’S AN A, good.

A few other prisoners could learn a thing or two from this guy.

Very very good.

Awesome job!

Somebody’s been practicing!

Can’t complain, can’t complain.

An A badge, ding!

Yes, there's an A+, but don’t bother, It takes talent

Eh- Ah- A!

Go for the A+! Go for it!

Good show ‘ol bean!

Now that’s how it’s done.

I think you’ve got it now.

Less than perfect, but better than failure!

You made that look easy!

Well look at you go!

You’ve got an A!

Not too shabby.

Not bad, not bad at all.

Good job prisoner number.. 5.. 2.. 3... 2..

Yer on the right track now!

That A+ is so close that I can taste it, and it tastess goooooddd!

You do know there’s an A+ right?

Try for the A+, maybe? Would you like to? *Worrying blabble*

Very good! Moving on.

What a wonderful performance!

Yeah!


Ah.. B!

That was adequate!

Good job, baby farts!

Wohoho, back up now. It’s a B!

Try again to get an A, But be careful not to miss anything this time.

Here’s the B you earned.

Congraduatoryations are in order for your.. B medal.

A fitting medal for your less than amazing performance.

You can always go back and find what you missed!

Good for you!

Good for you, and your B.

That’s ok, it’s a hard stage!

I bet you’d get an A if you do it again!

A beautiful little B, just for you!

Marvelous!

WHAT A PHENOMENAL PERFOR- oh it’s a B.

I’ve seen better, but i’ve seen WORSE. But i’ve seen better too.

That’s it, you got it!

Keep up the good work.

Oh, was it too hard? Was it too hard for you? Was it? WAS IT TOO HARD?

Not too shabby?

Yeah you’re getting it!

Well good for you!

I’ve seen better and done better personally.. GOODBYE.

You missed some things.


Ah C.. huh.

Ah C? Really?

Oh great! I tell my friends how talented you are, and you prove me wrong. Thank you, Thank you for that.

We’d give you lower if we could but, baby might cry!

BOORIINGGG!

Well, way to bore the crowd.

Here’s your painted cardboard medal.

Ohh, Come on!

Here’s the C you earned!

Hmm. You succeeded! In achieving the lowest score possible!

Well that’s a funny lookin’ A.

Good score! Good, really good.

That’s great..

How.. Embarrassing

And that’s how you.. don’t do it..

I remember a time when I was proud of you, but now i’m not. It’s funny how that works.

Keep working at it.

Lots of room for improvement. Lots and lots of room.

I try and I try and I try. C is bad! A is good! Why won’t you listen!

Bad! Now go for a B.

Oh, good going. (That was sarcasm)

Oh, don’t sell yourself short. You can do better than THAT.

*PLBTTTT* THUMBS DOWN! Try harder!

Try for a B, then go for an A!

Don’t quit your dayjob!

Wahh wahh…

Uh-huh, that’s what you get!


Lets see which one of you failed the least.

Take little bows for a job well done. You deserve it!

You’re all tiny champions in my eyes, unless you didn't win.

That was a fine performance, just fine.

Oh get a load of prince battleblock over here. Here's your crown, your highness. Pshhh

Well done. Well done!

Which one of you little princes will be king for a day?

Lets see who reigns supreme!

Shall we see who came out on top? We shall!

Eh, uh- Well done! I think. I wasn’t paying attention.

I’ve got a sparkly crown here. Lookin’ for a tiny head to put it on!

I’ve got a shiny crown and I need a little head… uuh no wait I can’t say that!... To put it on!

I think you should pick cool and good things, and not dumb and stupid things.

Choose your favorite head-face and weapon-tool.

I think you should customize this little guy with all your favorite stuff.

Pick want you want! I mean it’s your character, who am I to judge?

Feel free to customize your prisoner...er ah Performer!

Choose your attire.. sire..

Choose your favorite thing and pick your favorite stuff.

Wooooahhh!

Ahhhhhhh

C’mon! blahhh

Congratulations! On dying.

Well that was… different.

You're doing it wrong.. Do it right!

C’mon.. This is easy!

Euughhh

You don’t see that every day.

Waahhhhhh!

I didn’t hear a fat lady.

What's going on?!

Goodness!

Goodness gracious.

Oh my Goodness gracious!

Oh My Goodness Gracious!!.. Ah…

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS! .. ahem..

Hmm.

Hmmm.

Keep Trying!

That’s a new one.

Ohhh!

OHH!

No! Don’t Die!

Be careful! Prisone- erm… Performers aren't cheap!

No! Try again!

Really? Of all places you die there? C’mon!

Oh My God!

OH MY GOD!

OH MYY GAWD!

Oh Noes!

Ouhh.

Ouch!

Hm Hm, Ok that was pretty funny.

Stop doing that!

Stupid game-uh Theater!

What’d you do that for?

What’s the problem, I can do it.

You were this close!

Good try, but try gooder.

That’s not good.

A valiant effort indeed.

Well then…

What was that?

Woops!

Whoopsies!

Why did you do that?

WWHHELPLPLLPLPL!

Wrong!

Wrong again!

Oh, what the fff- fart..


Way to almost do good enough!

You can’t give in… you can’t give in! Try again!

What? Oh I thought somebody said something.

Doh, doo doo, Ca-cuh poo poo.

Well that, happened.

Um. Good try?

Wa-huh? Okay.

Please don’t start crying again! It was so embarrassing last time.

And that ladies and gents, is the wrong way to do it.

Nothing reeks quite like the stench of losers, ugh I hate it!

Wow you really suck a lot!

Wow that was horrible.

What a failure you are!

Ahem.. *Cough*

That was poop and you know it, poop! POOP!

I’ve seen someone with two broken legs do better. That’s right, both legs broken!

You failed!

Ohh was it too hard for the baby?

Wow, you failed!

Your butt farts!

Oh the tough performer pushing everyone around.

*Gasp* Shameful!

Ahhh Foolishness!

This is very counterproductive.

That's what you get!

I thought co-op meant cooperative.

Oh what's your problem?

Wwhhy would you do that? That’s your friend!

That made me uncomfortable.

That was uncalled for.

Hey you stop that.

*Gasp* Shame on you!

Ooh, you savages!

I woulda’ done the same thing.

Pushin’ people around makes you feel real big, huh?

Ohh play nice. Or not, that's up to you.

Hmhmhm ohhh, did the baby skin his knee?

Ohh, you're gonna pay for that!

Calm down buster brown!

Ouch!

Ohkay, Jeez.

Okay.

Was that really necessary?

That's one way to lose friends.

You're just gonna sit there and take that?

What a jerk!

Jeez.

Hey I saw that.

What an idiot!

Oh! K- I can’t watch such treachery!

How old are we again?

Ho-HO!

Ho hey now!

Oh grow up!

Uhh you got him good.

Yea lets just kill each other, good idea!

This is getting good!

You can’t let him get away with that!

OH, the disrespect!

I wouldn’t wanna cross you!

OH You brute!

I don’t blame you!

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for mister backstabby.

Oh you gonna cry, baby gonna cry?

Is baby gonna cry?

A gem, hooray!

Cha - ching!

Gem!

Gemm!

Can I.. have that one?

Gemmm!

Wonder if these have delicious fruity centers?

GEMMM!

The elusive green gem.

Don’t spend it all in one place!

Ding a ling a ling a ling a.. Sparkles!

Hoo Boy, a gem.

Hop it in your pocket, and shut up!

Ohhh, looks like lunch is on you today!

Uh heh, alright, another gem!

YYEEWWOOOOOOAHHHHHH!!! A GEM!!! YEEEAAAHHH!!!

Spend it wisely.

What a beautiful rock!

Stop that thief! Just kidding.

WWOOOOAAAAA! A GEM!

Just throw it on the pile!

A bling-bling!

A GEM! WOOAAAA!

Toot-Toot! All aboard the Gem Train. -uh- Next stop, RICH TOWN.. Have your ticket ready.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GEM STONE, for a beautiful prisoner!

That’s the most beautiful gemstone, i’ve ever seeeenn… yeeaaaa.

A jewel!

Hehehe yeeeaaaa! A gem!

You’re a lot of fun to watch! Isn’t he guys? Yea.

Mhhh MHHH! JEWELS!

What an amazing jewel!

You make that green girl! Make it!

You amuse us all with your amazing gem finding abilities! You do, you truly do!

Let’s pile all these into a big mountain and call it gem mountain. Then go sledding down gem mountain on our toboggan. And then.. Uh.. go eat something, and uhh get some cocoa, so- with, um, some marshmallows.

Green and shiny! Just like baby poops.

Rock on, my little naked friend!

And everything's coming together like butt cheeks!

You use these on the vending machines in the store, Ok? Byeeeee

Cool! A GEM! Yea!

Your salvation lies in that tiny green package!

Gem.. Gem.. Gem.. Gem...

And she was like uh-hold on “good job you got the gem” hm, *clap* *clap* anyway so then she's like “I don’t care!” And i’m like “what the heck are you talking about?”

...Gem ..Gem ..Gem ..Gem!

Why don’t you treat yourself and go out for cheeseburgers and chocolate milkshakes.. And take me with you.. And treat me too.

Yeaaaheheheheee! A gem!

Oh you're so good! Give yourself a round of applause, you found a gem, that was just sitting there!

You're not taking these gems for granted? Are you?

Where are you putting these?

Gem me baby!

Yeeeaaaaa Haaaaa!

Just a couple more.

Alright!

Ba-Ding!

Bing!

Cha-Ching!

Cool.

Count it!

Excellent!

How do they float like that? Huh?

You should know how to.. jump into.. things and collect them.

Good!

Gotcha!

Woahhh!

Got it!

YEAAAAA!

In your face!

K.. Got it.

Mehh.

Ouhh!

Just throw that on the pile.

That's the ticket.

That should be useful.

WOOO!

D’Yea!

One step closer to the exit.

Ouhuohuohuo *Cough*

Ga-Huh!

Give it a kiss.. And put it someplace safe.

Maybe you should invest in some clothes? You’re awfully naked.

MH-HMMMM!

MHH-HHMMMMM!

Mehehahahahahaha! *Cough*

Meheeheehee Hee!

Oulouloulouloulouloulouloooo!!


There’s a first one.

There’s one.

Numero uno.

The first of many.


Ok there's two.


Just one more!

One more! Where is it.

Now where’s that last one.


ALL DONE.

Welp let’s bounce!

Time to make like a bread truck and haul buns… uh.. to the exit.

Brilliant collection!

And everything is buttoned up and beautiful!

Aehh, you found them all.. Very good...

Now move those chubby prisoner legs to the exit!

Lets see, 1.. 2 and you got, yeah that's it!

Every last one! Nice!

Ahhh, like a fart in the wind!

Hurry up! Gotta poop.

Have you done this before?

To the exit! HOOO

You get ‘em all? Looks like it.

You found them all and you didn’t give up. I’m proud!

All complete! Move your feet!

Don’t let the door pinch your buns on the way out!

What the.. You didn’t leave anything for anybody else? What are you.. Selfish?

Excellent! You got all the thingies!

You got em all.. You got em.

Wow, you’re very thorough!

Target Acquired, next stage imminent.. Over! *achtkk*

You got ‘em all! Cool!

That’s how ya do it!

You haven’t missed a thing! You’d better hurry up if you want that A+


Ahh, you found it!

Huh, you found it..

You sneaky little gem!

Can’t pull the wool over your eyes.

You found it!

You naughty prisoner, you found it!

What an unfair hiding spot! Hmmm

Hey who put that there!

💎 💎 💎

Bribery!

Some yarn, yaaaaay!

Alright yarn…

Yarn?! Cats love this stuff!

I know a guy who might be interested.

MASTER of the floating... air yarn.

Is this the only color they have? I’m sure the cats won’t mind, i’m just saying.

Oh boy.. Yarn.

Save that one for later!

It is pretty fun to play with.

We meet again mister yarn.

Oh look.. Yarn.

Hey don’t miss that yarn- got it, good.

Try to resist the urge to knit a sweater,

Put THAT in your.. Scarf and.. knit it.

Yarn was invented in 198..4 by Stanley Yarn, and back then it wasn’t called yarn, It was called “cat string’’. And people used to use it to lure cats back to their homes, because meat was very expensive. TRUE STORY.

Here next, a bundle a gems to the little champion who brings that hat in.

A golden hat as appeared, bring it to the exit and i’ll make it rain!

Ohh, go find it! But be careful not to lose it.

Grab the golden hat for a gem bonus and a kiss from a very handsome man.. Me.

Milk.. Milk.. Lemonade. Find the hat and go get paid!.. Im dumb.

That right, not just any hat, BUT a GOLDEN HAT! And it’s worth a- k- i- it’s 10 gems, but that’s good, go get it!

Wah, ah the store is open! Now you can spend some of that hard earned cash you’ve been saving. Oh yea, but beware of the cats by the armory, those guys are di- uh, jerks!

Uh- I’m trying to tell a story!

Eh- Do you have to go to the bathroom or something?

Uh- I was talking!

Eh- Zero patience I see, ok!

Eh- And I lost my train of thought.

Uh- Ok, get this over with I guess.

Ahmmm, ok?

Uh- Ok, moving on!

Cough, excuse me.

Ahem, cough

Wha- huh? Ok.

Uh, ok next part.

It’s not a race, ok?

I’m sorry am I going to slow, for you?

Uhhh, what was I saying?

Get ready for the time of your life! Or see- the time of uh.

I trust you went to the bathroom first.


Well well, it seems our little round-headed pal here has become the very definition of the cats PJ’s, wouldn’t you agree children? I know I would, with myself I guess. But look at him go! Dodging lasers like *pew pew pew pew pew*, and those sharpened pointy spikes coming up from the ground like *shing shing shing shing shing shing shing*, dodged all those too, *shing*. And there were explosions like *bang ba-bang bang bang bang… bang”

And there was dangerous cats lurking around every corner like “Ahhh, Imma cat see?” I mean ya boy was all over the place like *Shing Shing Bang Pew Pew Pew Shing Bang* doing like triple matrix combo flips over everything in slow motion *Dududududu* I mean our little buddy here was doing a phenomenal job and look at those muscles! I bet he could lift a house! Or, like a small one. At the very least he could open a window and escape.

I mean he seems more than capable right? So what's going on? I mean if I was him, I would pack myself a nice bag lunch, show the cats my favorite finger, then I'd make like horse turds and hit the trail. But i’m not him and he’s not horse turds, no sirs. He is Hatty Hattingtons best friend in the whole world, remember? I mean hatty most certainly wouldn’t leave him behind, right? Of course not.

But I sure hope our little buddy here gets to the bottom of this, and soon! I mean thanks to his splendid performances the theater is really raking in some serious cash. And making some serious ss- improvements. I mean jokes aside it’s really starting to turn into a pretty scary and dangerous palace of death… and it’s all thanks to this guy. A ding ding ding ding ding ding! How’s that for a kick in the face?

So does our little friend possess the sheer power of will, or the willpower to go forward? I don’t know, he’s pretty tiny! And he’s very alone! Will he find hatty in good spirits? Who's to say? Is there a happy ending on the horizon? Only time will tell! That probably… no. Hyyeeahhhhh!


Ahem, little red riding hood was a very peculiar girl and she was called little red riding hood because she was little and she was fat. And not just fat but morbidly obese! I mean she was out like- plickity plow! But there was one person who tolerated little red most of all, little red’s unc- grandma.

So one fine morning little red’s grandma sent little red a text message that said you should come over here, I feel sorry for you! It’s just too bad that grandma lived in the heart of the haunted forest! A haunted forest that's claimed many a-life!

It was dark and scary. You could see ghosts everywhere, you thought. And it was scattered with mountains of bones. Bones of the forsaken, forsaken bones! And skulls. And there were poisonous rivers of bubbly water and sharp pointy rocks on the ground!

But normally little red just walked past all that and everything was fine! And, she went up some steps and… across that… and that too… and she went up those steps. And one can't help but wonder why grandma lives here! She jumped over that and she must never leave her home? And she jumped over that and grandma you should move!

Oh there's her house, what a sight for sore eyes. Or four eyes, amirite? Ahem. But she always forgot about grandma's pet wolf who didn't like little red because she always smelled like meat and fear, ahhh. Kill it, kill it!

That was a close one and grandma came out and saw her pet wolf. And she was devastated… but in typical grandma fashion she turned lemons into lemonade and they had wolf burgers with swiss cheese and washed it down with lemonade and it was delicious.

But when grandma pooped herself at the dinner table, little red not only lost all her respect for grandma but she lost her appetite forever. Thus, she lost all her baby fat and she grew up to be a supermodel. And she was bangin’ hot and modeled little red bikinis and she had a great job and made tons of money. The end. I’m done.

Rated T for.. being a little naughty.

HEY YOU!

Still playing battleblock theater on xbox and enjoying every moment rightfully so?

Good! Shut up! Cause i’ve got two words that’ll change your life forever.

STEAM! Uh.. Version.

That’s right! Get ready to experience the game that won every award for everything ever like you’ve never seen it before!

STEAM VERSION! Woooo!

Grab a friend and hammer through the most heart warming *slash* horrible story you’ll ever experience!

STEAM!

IN STUNNING 1 BILLION “P” GRAPHICS WITH HIGH RESOLUTION SUPER TEXTURE TECHNOLOGY THAT MODERN HUMAN EYEBALLS CAN’T EVEN SEE!

Then hop online and make lots of new friends, enemies and frenemies!

STEAM!

Think you can handle FRAME RATES OF UP TO TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND.. PER MILLISECOND! THAT IS!

And look! A multitude of game types that's sure to keep things interesting.

Especially with these STATE-OF-THE-ART RAGDOLL PHYSICS AND PARTICLE EXPLOSION FUTURE SYSTEMS!

Build your own levels, to dazzle and annoy your friends!

Whilst’ using our ADVANCED MANIPULATION ENGINE! ALLOWING YOU TO CONTROL WHAT YOU SEE ON SCREEN! THE POWER IS IN YOUR HANDS!

Oh, and there’s lots of stuff to collect and brag about too!

And your pants will collect human FECES WHEN YOU SEE THIS MIND BLOWINGLY REALISTIC HAIR SIMULATION! LOOK AT IT!

So buckle said pants and get ready to ro-

OCULUS RIFT SUPPORT! UP TO FIVE SIMULTANEOUS… OCULUSES! PENDING!

VIDEO CARD MEGA GRAPHIC... THROTTLING! WITH RAM PROCESSORS!

SOUND EFFECTS WHEN CHARACTERS DO STUFF!

THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!

I hope your down, because things are about to get awfully steamy in here.

That was weird, Sorry.. Should have said.

Lets see...

Lets just say the Behemoth is about to release some steam. Aw man that was way better! GAWD

What are you doing man? I was partying! What’s the big deal?

(Mumbling)

What! I already did your stupid precious trailer!

(Punch)

Oh ho! NEG-ative! You do it Captain Farts, I’m outta here!

(Punch)

Ow! But there’s nothing more to say!

(Punch)

Ow fine! From the creators of, Castle Crashers and like… five billion stupid trailers.

Comes a game with, Co-opshunal Campaign Mode, Arena Modes, Level building and shading. I’m sure that’s supposed to be sharing but this guy is dumber than a box of hammers.

Look people already know...

(Angry Mumbling)

Fine! Oh, I guess there is some new stuff like, Weapon switching! Switch between a primary and secondary weapon. Wow, you're right, this information is absolutely critical!

(Screen breaks)

Shi- Ok! Um…

There’s brand new cat guard enemies. Probably implemented in order to sell more toys and T-shirts. (Burp) You're on thin ice, I’m trying to be a professional, shut up!

Steam workshop support for sharing and playing levels.

Say, Is that anything like Behemoth’s sweatshop support?

(Punched)

OW! You are so lucky, that I’m a coward..

Ok, Last, but certainly not least, Steam inventory integration for trading, Sorry… for trading and selling items!

Like you know, you could trade stupid crap from this stupid game, with stupid crap from other stupid games. Featuring the voice talents of Troy Baker.

Look that’s it ok, i’m done! And this is you by the way, note the nerd glasses!

(Snickering)

Heyyy, Heeyyyy!

Once upon a time there was a game company called “The Behemoth”, that’s right, those guys!

Now the year was.. (2009) Uh.. not important..

And the behemoth set out to make a fantastic new game!

A game loaded with friends and adventure, mystery and intrigue, spooky horror…

...full frontal nudity and butt clenching drama!

All wrapped up in the flaky, buttery crust, of a unforgettable story!

A story so sloppily overflowing with powerfully positive morals on life and death…

...and one plate full would make you sick, sick with love and rage… and vomiting!

But as the years went by, this wonderful treat was dangled just out of reach…

...our stomachs twisted, and rumbled, longing for but a nibble decadent slice of game… cake.

For shame Behemoth! Shame on you for making this game so good.

...and taking forever, because it’s like the best game ever… shame!

I mean I’m with these guys, I’m all like “Really? Really Behemoth? Years? We all gave up on you! We don’t care, I don’t care! Oh, that looks fun… real fun!”

I mean cmon guys, what the f- What, really?

Really?! Really and for truly?!?... Oh my….!!

(A DING DING DING DING DING)

Release date!

(A DING DING DING DING DING)

Boy I feel like a stupid jerk now!

(A DING DING DING DING DING)

Talkin’ about me, not you!

(A DING DING DING DING DING)

DING DING DIng ding ding.. I’m over it, I’m done.

Can I go home now? Ok…

“Buckle your pants…”

〈 April 3, 2013 〉

Rated T for… bloed (Blood), Veolence (Violence) and… crud Humore (Crude humor)

What’s that, French or somethin’?

Who’s ready for some fun!

Well don’t everybody answer at once.

Buckle your pants, grab a friend and get ready for the ride of a lifetime!

Battleblock theater!

Bust some heads, push your friends… and watch him die.

Go up there now, well that’s a nice trick. Kill your friend again… and again!

Battleblock theater!

Go do that, grab a jetpack… and fly to the moon!

Throw your friend, and get the gem!

Hop on that thing and get the gem!

Ahh.. battleblock theater, what a peculiar place.

It seems like only yesterday you were shipwrecked on this mysterious island…

Wait a second it was yesterday!

What’s with this twisted charade?

Why do you forge ahead when everything feels so hopeless.

...the weight of the world crushing your spirit, and shattering your…

Battleblock theater!

Check out this stuff!

Lots of game types for you to play!

Like.. um.. This thing!

And look.. horses! Yep, Cool!

Battleblock Theater!

Touchin’ a butt... grab a bean ball and BOOM SHAKALAKA!

Hey look! Check this out!

If you hate our stuff! Shut up and do it better! (Hey!... sorry)

But when this theater brings you to your knees.

And you lie defeated in a pool of your own tears and pee-pee.

I’ll be there… and I’m gonna laugh!

Battleblock theater!

Have at it!

(It was a day like any other day)

Hatty Hattington was the walking definition of handsome gentlemen.

(In the dictionary)

But an unexpected shipwreck!

(But his ship crashed)

And a casual adventure.

(So.. casual)

Into a desperate fight for their lives!

Welcome to prison, they said…

Breakfast is served to date, they said…

Brunch doesn't even exist, they said…

Please report to the stage and entertain us all with your hilarious death screams, they said…

Forget about your friends, they said…

Hatty belongs to us now, they said…

WELL. THAT'S. NOT. NICE.

But you’ll play their game, oh yes.

To collect all the gems, every last sparkly one.

You’ll traverse these deadly traps.

You call this deadly? My grandma’s food is more dea- uh.. Delicious.

You’ll climb like a monkey! Does the monkey entertain you?

And here, we’ll go together! It’ll be twice as entertaining!

Am I right? I am.

You’ll appease the fickle crowd with sweet smiley silence!

You’ll tackle whatever they throw at you!

“Bring it on” you’ll scream as you happily reduce this entire rotten theater to a pile of rubble.

JUST TO PROVE A POINT!

Friends are important!

( Wicky Wicky )

Give me that funky beat.

So now it's come to an end.

We tried so hard, but lost it all.

And you were my best friend.

You were my Hattington.

Hatty Hattington.

And when you reached for help, we were too late to take your hand.

But we're here now.

You're the moon, and we're your stars.

And we're here for you.

As you fade into the dark.

( Fade into the dark )

I love you Hatty...

So, your best friend's a vegetable now.
Blah, blah, blah.
But you know what they say.
When life gives you potatoes, you make potato salad.
And I've got just the recipe... Hit it!

Buckle your pants! Buckle, buckle your pants!
Pull up your socks and dance! (Whoo!)
Buck buck, BUCK BUCK, buckle your pants!
Bucka bucka, bucka bucka, buckle your pants!

Buckle your pants, buckle buckle your pants!
Hey, I said dance (Yahoo!)
Buck buck, BUCK BUCK, buckle your pants!
Bucka bucka, bucka bucka, buckle your pants (Whoo!)

Ladies! (Yeah?) buckle your pants!
Gentlemen (What? Yeah...) buckle your pants!
Boys and girls of all ages (Yaheeee!) buckle your pants!
Or they might fall down! (hmbrbrbrbr)

Hey you, buckle your pants!
Yes you, buckle your pants (brrruckabuckabuckabucka)
Everybody, buckle your pants!
But if you don't want to (NO!)
That's fine (WRONG!)

Buckle your pants, buckle your pants, buckle your pants.
Or your pants will fall to the ground!
Buckle your pants!
Just buckle them babies nice and tight please.

Buckle your pants, ah buckle your pants.
Ah buck buck buck buck buckle your pants.
Buckle your pants, ah buckle your pants.
Ah buck buck buck buck buckle your pants.
Buckle your pants, ah buckle your pants.
Ah buck buck buck buck buckle your pants.

Bunh ya panz, buh ya pazz...
Buhckle ya panz, a bruhckle ya panz, a bruh bruh bruh bruh ...
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba...

I'm a cat see!
I'm a cat!

Meow meow meow meow meow!
Meow see,
I'm a cat see!
I'm a cat!

Meow meow meow meow meow!
Meow see!

I'm a cat,
Cat,
Meow cat,
Meow meow meow meow meow.

Meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow,
Meow meow meow meow, see!

(wah wah)

Meow see!

(Waah Waah)

(Rahdatdat-
“Just a reminder, anybody who tries to escape will be executed on the spot. Good day!"
-RAHDATDATDAHDAH!)

"RUNNN!"

~ The Narrator

Note: My personal interpretation from listening to the "lyrics", enjoy!

Secret!
Dooby-Do Ba-Da Ba-Jah Beh-Dabada Daba-Deh
Ge-Dabba Eh-Dabba Ze-Its A Secret!

Puh-Its-Ka-Chibba Da-Pa-Pa-Chibble Hubba-Pa-Chibba Ba-Plblblb Plblblb
Dooby-Do Da-Ba Blapa-Blapa Da-Preddy-Bahtastic Da Pah-Pah Pid
Sizzl-Legglo Dahba-Dibha Dib-Shh Its a Secret!

Dintcha Darta Dunch-Da-Da mmmmph Nh-Nh Doodity-Doo
Dah Dah Dah Lah Dee-Da Bid-bad Boodity-Tah

Pid-Pid Diddily Msh Pah-Da Brhh Pr-Cheddily Dshh-De-Prah
A-Did Der-Pshh A Jer-Pshh A Bing-Ding-Dang-Dong

Rabba-Dooba-Dee A-Rabba-Dooba-Dah
Shubba Da-Zimp Ba-Biddly-Beh

Drhmm Da-Drhmm Dinnt Fa-Pra Chek Da-Blblblbrahh
(Rahbabababa)

(Background Continuous Dooby's)

Rham-Bim Che-Bum Ke-Bum Keh-rrrum Ke-BIM Ke-Kung Ka-Tookatookatooka
Ditoo-Ditoo Ditoo-Ditoo Ditoo-Ditoo Ditoo Ditoo-Ditoo Pllbb Its a Secret!

Rabba-Ha Ha-Ha Ha-Heh-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha
Boom-Ha Doo-Plb Plb-Plb Ernhh-Ahrn

Ah-Chikka-Choo Kachikka Chikka Boom Bachikka Ah-Brra Chikka-Chikka
Ah-Brmm Hu-hu-Ha Ha Hu-hu-Ha

Ha Ha-Ha Ha Ha-Ha Ha Hu Hu Huuu-Hu Hu Hu-Hu Hu-Hu Hu-Ahbrbrb Bapada
Hurduda Hurh Hurh-Hurh Hurha Hurh-urh-urh-urh-urh-urh-urh Hurh Hurh-Hurh Durh
Rubbah-Dah Pah-Padaba-Doo Hehe Haha Hoeheheh...

(Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Dooby Doob )
(Doob Doob Doob Doob Doob Doob Doob Doob)

Skubby-Dubby-Dub Skebby-Dobbity-Doo Blah-ba ba-ba Skowba-Dowba-Dowba
Bobba-Deeba Hu-Bubba-Dooby Skaba-Bubba Ye-Bop Skubba-Dum-Dum-Diddy

Yerba-Yerba-Yerp Scuba-Scuba-Dip Skubba-Yubba-Dibba Skubba-Dooby-Uhh
Bwarka-Bwarka-Bwarka NOW YER TALKIN' Bwak-Bwak Beh-Kwak Bwarka-Bwark

Bwarka-Bwark Bwarka-Bwark Bwarka-Bwark Bwarka-Bwark
Bwarka-Bwark Bwarka-Bwark Bwarka-Bwark Bwarka-Bwark

Bwarka-Bwarka Bwarka-Bwarka Bwarka-Bwarka Bwarka-Bwarka
Bwarka-Bwarka Bwarka-Bwarka Bwarka-Bwarka Bwarka-Bwarka

Bwark Bwarka-Bwarka Bwark Bwark Bwarka-Bwarka Bwark
Bwark Bwarka-Bwarka Bwark Bwark Bwarka-Bwarka Bwark
Bwark Bwarka-Bwarka Bwark Bwark Bwarka-Bwarka Bwark

HEY HEY... Breka-Breka-Brek (More Background Bwaks)

Boom Dadda-Dadda-Dadda Boom-Da
Dadda-Dum Badda-Dum Badda-Dum-Dum-Dum-Dum
Boom Dadda-Dadda-Dadda Boom-Da
Dabba-Blmblmblmblmblmblmblmblmb

Boom Dadda-Dadda-Dadda Boom-Da
Dadda-Dum Badda-Dum Badda-Blmumumumum
Boom Dadda-Dadda-Dadda Boom-Da
Dadda-Dum Badda-Dum Badda-ITZ A SECRET

Oh shss.. I GIVE UP