Gabe Newell is a extremaly rare species of ♥♥♥♥ Sapiens, and is known for its big greed, and strong ability to manipulate people.

Gaben is also known for being secretitive, after 9 years of development Half Life 3 is still a myth. Being a Gaben is hard, you need to always be greedy as ♥♥♥♥, tricking people into working for you, and you need to be a lazy fat ♥♥♥♥. You think that you are ready? Well, let me present to you 3 ways to become a basic Gabe Newell...

The easiest way to become a Gaben, is too buy yourself some sexy Team Fortress 2 items. Screw that Gibus that you are wearing, now you are going to learn some real fashion.

• 1. Go to either http://www.trade.tf/, or to steam market place.
  
• 2. Trade or buy following items: Unusual The One-Man Army (Effect: Dead Presidents), Gabe Glasses, Siberian Sophiscticate, Conscientious Objector, Strange Tomislav, and a Festive Sandvich.
  
• 3. Get some name tags and name them as following in order: Gabe Newell, Gaben's Magic Glasses, The Fat Learner, The Almighty Gaben's Benediction, You just got delayed, Gaben's Eternal Launch AKA Wallets. For objector find some sexy Gaben's photo, and put it on it.
  
• 4. As for misc equip Secret Dairy and name it ''Half Life 3 Development Log''. As for taunts, equip Proteriat Posedown and Schadenfraude, and name them: ''Feels Good after Sale'', and ''Ban Hammered''.

Optional:

• Type in console: bind 1 "say [[VAC]] Scaning the Server: 13 Possible Cheats Detected". Type also: bind 2 "say Initiating a VAC Wave in 2 Minutes''.
  
• Change your steam name to Gabe Newell.

You say that it was hard? Becoming a Gaben isn't easy, even the easiest way is hard. Other ways are much more harder to achieve, but they are much more devastating.

You thought that the previous step was hard? Well, this one is much more harder, since you will need to fly over to Valve HQ!. Follow those steps, and you will stay alive:

• 1. Buy a ticket to Murica, Seatle and locate Valve Head Quarters. Sneak near the buliding, and wait till 9AM, since this is when all employees, including Gabe Newell, are starting their shift.
  
• 2. Now you will need to breach into Valve's Head Quarters. Entrance is located in the north-west side of the building, and is protected by two security guards. You know karate right? Well hopefully, cuz now you need to neutralize them. Hide their bodies into the nearest dump, where all scrapped Portal 2 concepts land, and enter the building.

Now your main goal is to breach into the Gaben's office, and kill him. This is a really difficult task, since the patch to his office is protected by numerous traps, doors, lasers, and other protection measures. Now you are in the entrance area of the building. Head Quarters have 4 sectors, sector 1 for floors 1-26, sector 2 for floors 26-55, sector 3 for floors 55-67, and sector 4 for floors 66-77. Newell's Office is located on the highest 77th floor, in the east side of the building.

NEVER take the elevator, elevator is protected by eye scaning software, if you are not a Valve Employee, you end up on Gaben's lunch plate.

Lucky for you, on the entrance floor there is no one, despite a Receptionist in the main reception area. Take her down, by luring her outside using Justin Bieber's pictures, and locking the entrance door up. Now, to the left there should be a staircase leading to the upper floor, take it.


Now you should be in an small hall filled with TF2 mercs pictures. Enter the second door to the right, and search the room. Under the small flower pot, there should be a ventilation shaft entrance. Enter the ventilation system. Now go up in the vent shaft, to the point when you will reach a small vent fan on the ceiling, then take a straight way until you will meet two vent ways.

Now take one to the left, not your left, mine left you dumbass. Now after about 3 minutes of crawling you should be in the room somewhere on floor 23. Get out of this stinky vent shaft, now you are in the room with white walls and floor and with a big steel door, with a 4 digit code.


Since you are a pro elite hacker, you obviously know that the code 1111. Behind the door is the field of deadly lasers, stepping on one will not only cut your jibblets, but will also trigger an alarm.

Now to avoid lasers, do this: Jump to the left, Jump to the right, make 360 flip forward, dance Ballet while jumping on one leg, crouch, jump again, do the barrel roll, and done. Hopefully, you didn't stepped on any of them, or else you are ♥♥♥♥♥♥. Now there is a door in front of you, guarded with 4 digit code again. Code is obviously 6969. Now you are in the hall on floor 55.


FU, YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DUMBASS. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥, YOU ARE DEAD. Or are you? I mean Valve employees are coming to rape you in 30 seconds with crowbars, but there is still hope. Quickly hide in the janitor's closet, and wait till they will come. Using your mind control powers, turn off all lights, and kill all of them silently. Now there is about two minutes before CIA and FBI nigas will come, so quickly walk over to the nearest window.

Now break it using one of employees' crowbars, and use your grapling hook to reach the highest floor (you obviously have one right?). Now break the window, you are again in the small hall. Head to the third room to the left, and... TA DAAAAAAAA!!! YOU ARE INSIDE!


Gaben is sitting on his computer, working hard on HL3 and new update to Dota2. Now he will turn around and say ''Why are coming to my office my child?''. Now take out your gun, and point it on him. ''Um, this isn't working'' he says, as you gently pull the trigger, kiling Gabe Newell once and for all.


Quickly wear up his shirt, pants, hair and face. Now you are GabeN!!!!! Nobody will suspect anything from you totally! Hide Gabe's body in the janitor's closet, and there we go! Now you can:

• Release Half Life 3
  
• Tell everyone to ♥♥♥♥ theirselves
  
• Destroy Team Fortress 2 economics
  
• Destroy the world using Gabe's all almighty powers
  
• MORE SALEZ

Grats you did it, dumbass

So I think that you already know how to effieciently become our beloved lord and savior Gabe Newell! Wait, what are you saying? Previous steps were too easy!? WOW. Thats some real dedication right there. Ladies and Gentleman, we have a Chuck Norris right there! Hmm, so you want a challenge? Oh righty, but be aware I'm gonna be sharing with you some dank ass hardcore shet right there, be aware.

WARNING: Only for kool kids


Your goal is to perform an ancient ritual called ''Newell's perfomance''. Shared from one person till another in Newell's family, ritual allows the person performing it to summon a portal to Shigabundi Forest, where by finding their spiritual way, the person will be eventually be able to defeat a Soul Gabe, ethernal part of Gaben. Defeating Soul Gabe will grant user over 9000 EXP, dank kush, and control over the universe.

You need following items for the ritual:

• 5 Strawberry Candles
  
• A lighter
  
• A paper and a pen
  
• A box copy of Half Life
  
• A condom

Now you need to perform this dangerous ritual. Follow my steps, and you will not die (maybe).

• 1. Place 5 Strawberry Candles in circular pattern, and lit them.
  
• 2. Take a pen, and write a big ''3'' on the paper.
  
• 3. Put the paper inside the circle.
  
• 4. Put the Half Life copy on the paper.
  
• 5. Put a condom on your face to look like a dumbass.

Now, you need say the following loudly: ''MOOOOOOOO'' (pronounce: Vi Sinctum Salvadori), and ''Gabeno FU interno inflictum!''. Now inside the circle a purple portal will appear. Step it into it, and you will find yourself in the forest...


Now you may ask, what shall I do next? Well, if you have looked around the place, you may had noticed a big tower in the middle of the swamp. Well its your target objective, the door leading to the final boss. However, do not go there yet, you are too weak to fight such a powerfull powers.

You may had noticed also four bars on the top of your screen, first one is for Mana, the second one is for Agora, the third is for Charisma, and the Fourth one is for Lust. Mana is your main power, you are able to create a powerfull spells and attacks using the Mana. Mana doesn't replenish however, you need to walk around and kill enemies to replenish it.

Agora boosts up your attacks, the more you have it, more powerfull attacks will you be doing. It goes down as you attack. You replenish it by gaining EXP orbs. Charisma busts your Defence, the more you have, the more stronger defense you have. It never decreases. Its limit is 69 DF. Lust boosts your speed, the more you have it, the faster you are. It starts full during every battle, and can decrease if the enemy had attacked you with any kind of slowing attack.

You also get EXP by killing enemies, you can level up your EXP level byy colecting it. The highest level is 420.

Now your main objective is to gain a really big EXP level, and really strong equipment. I can't really help you much there, since everyone gains progress differently. But here are the best locations for farming, and the locations with good loot:

• Hanum Hut (Good EXP farming spot for begginers, since it does have weak enemies).
  
• Fantom Enigma (Valuable EXP farming spot, and it does have a good loot chests).
  
• Niger Desert (Contains Chimera Dilldo, the second best item in the game).
  
• The Forest of Deceive (Good High-Tier Farming Spot)
  
• The Dungeons of the Fallen (Contains Dragon Dilldo, the best item in the game)
  
• Peace Plains (Good loot and EXP)

Now so you have level almost 420, and a strong as ♥♥♥♥ loot, you are ready to defeat the devil himself. Walk over to the top of the tower, and slowly walk into the portal behind the golden door.

This is it. After stepping into the portal, you realize that you are in some kind of a weird sick place...and then you see him, walking over to you slowly. You see him...

IT'S

IT'S

THE SOUL GABE!

How do you defeat him? Well he is the strongest entity in the whole universe, but its of course possible. Use your Lightning, and Hydro attacks to slow him down, boost your defense from time to time, and of course deal devastating blows using your melee weapon. Don't forget about your bars!

If you are not sure if you can do it, look at this fight log from one unknown hero, that had defeated Soul Gabe once:

>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX had joined the fight!
>Soul Gabe appeared!
>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX uses Mana forcedown!
>Soul Gabe uses Fire Aegis!
>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX gets 50 damage!
>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX uses Dragon Dilldo slash!
>Soul Gabe gets 70 damage!
>Soul Gabe uses the Monstrotious Sale ♥♥♥♥♥♥!
>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX gets 100 damage!
>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX heals for 200 HP!
>Soul Gabe prepares for final attack!
>Soul Gabe is not awesome enough, so it fails!
>Xxx_Miomiowski_69_xxX prepares for final attack!
>Soul Gabe gets 1003759370257207502572075835769725397520 damage!
>Soul Gabe is defeated!

If you did it, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ grats, you have becomed the biggest ass mathafaka in the whole ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ universe!!! You can control time, space, sales, and even the worst, the wallets of all steam users! The humanity is doomed...

What should I do next for a guide?

• How to lenny efficiently ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  
• How to get woman
  
• How to scam and GET caught
  
• How to paper (yes ''How to paper'')
  
• How to Keemotherapy

Me and my niga Harambe-Chan are making guides as a series. Here are two our previous sexy guides:

http://gtm.steamproxy.vip/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=567245428

http://gtm.steamproxy.vip/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=757544339

http://gtm.steamproxy.vip/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=866474130&tscn=1487492202

Thanks and have fun ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)