Many people ask me (They don't) how I survive in CS:GO in most rounds and then I turn to them with the sexiest face and say, "I have a guide, why don't you check it out?" So here it is, and I hope you understand how not to die. Enjoy.

Possibly the hardest step for me in this guide is 'Patience'. With the element of patience, it alows you to take your time, and to not just run out there and get killed by some kid who confirms he has f*cked your mum. Patience provents humiliation and will give you a chance to think about what you are about to do for your beloved team. Patience, is one of many keys to winning a game. Don't run out stupidly 'For the lolz', as this will (Probably definately) get you probed up the a**hole and sent straight off of the team with a bullet through your head, and a hell load of angry Russians barking at you like dogs.

Choosing the right weapons is also a good way of staying alive. For example, bringing a shotgun to a long map with barely any places to take cover, will get you screwed for eternity (Maybe not). Selecting a sniper on the other hand, would be far too sensible in this situation. Also, use weapons that you are most comfortable with and weapons you can use well, and you will have a better chance of killing that pesky opponent than when you used that MAG-7. Never, EVER, use that shotgun. The only use it has is being recycled for a better use. It's more of the ♥♥♥-7, than what it is actually called. Remember kids, go for the shotgun, not the sh*tgun.

Unless you are seriously experienced, then you really should follow this helpful step.
Travelling with more than 2 people is reasonable, and will inflict a better chance of survival, as your buddies will be there (Hopefully) to strike down those opposing a-holes who want to get you out of their way to win. Also, going with the majority of players will help you even better, as you are all strong together. Try following a player that you know is experienced, so that you can beat 'em off, one by one. Sorry for the cheesey image, couldn't find anything more interesting to put on.

During games, feeling pressurised can completely mess up your performence.
For example, your whole team are dead, and you must defeat a couple of others on the opposing team. This is called 'Clutching'. As you play, the mean little f*ckers will start criticising your every move, and it can become scary. The worst part comes around when you lose the 'Clutch', and everyone inflicts hatred upon you (Do remember that this happens a majority of the time). You become more unfocused if it becomes a 1V1, as you can't back yourself up with the fact that there were more people on the other side. You can lose self-esteem from this, getting yourself killed easlier. A trick to this step is to clutch a hell load of times which will make you feel more experienced, so that when that Russian kid says "F*cka you", you can reply with "I did my best you d*ckhead tw*t 8 year old f*ck".

Of course, rarely someone will pick up Counter Strike Global Offensive straight away, because only wizards can do that and wizards don't exist. See what I'm getting at? (They could though...) Just give it time, keep on playing, read better guides than this, and you will zoom through it, faster than light (Maybe not, but faster than you used to get through). You will get angry and you will feel hopeless, but you have to just keep going, there are always people who are better than you who own your ass, and you will fail to succeed in this game, unless you keep on failing, in which you will learn to create success. Just give it all time.

I really do hope you picked something up from this sh*tey guide, and please, do share this with friends and rate it up, as it would help me a lot. Thank you for wasting your time.