This is one weird game.. If it has a story, I didn't get it. If it should be played on acid, I did it. Still have no idea what the heck is going on. But earning all the achievements - Is the real challenge.

Before following this guide, I recommend playing through the game once. It only takes a few minutes and a series of 'wtf'-minigames and sometimes disturbing cutscenes. After doing so you can select said minigames via the main menu ('Vignettes') to get achievements fast.

Hint: Skipping the cutscenes works via backspace most of the time.


//This guide is currently Work In Progress. Achievements marked with !WIP! may change in the future. Everything else is final and confirmed to work. If you want to help me with this guide, just leave a message :)

Drove the turbo brick faster than Rob Lach ever did on the soybean field roads of central Illinois.

'Highway' minigame. It's pretty simple - Just drive as fast as you can. Hitting other cars or the wall is always bad - Better slow down not to hit anything. You control your car via the arrow keys on your keyboard.

... and I don't even have insurance.

'Highway'-minigame. Just crash into other cars. The achievement popped for me while I was driving infront of another car and slowing down, thus blocking it's way..

$10 for whomever guesses where I stole this credit list from.

Watch the credtis. All of them. Takes only 10 to 15 minutes..You can start 'em via the main menu.

Did you try leading them a bit?

'Gunner'-minigame. Just start it up aaaaand.. Do nothing. Three times in a row.
Yes, this is how you win this minigame - Just don't shot anybody.

LOL

'Puzzle'-minigame. Load it up and do nothing. I guess thats a little joke here because to controls are a little secret on it's own.

To beat this minigame you hold down your arrow keys and press Z on your keyboard to move into that direction. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't - I don't know the rules here. You have to fill the entire field to beat it.

Anyway, as I said: To gain this achievement do nothing and let the score on the upper right reach zero. It takes over 10 minutes.

Another way I can't test but I guess would work too: Waste your score through diagonal moves, see 'DIAGONALS SEEM DIFFERENT' achievement.

Being a man with long experience of the sea (and they certainly have a great advantage over other men in any sort of task)...

'SAILING'-minigame. This minigame only ends when you crash your boat. To get this achievement just load up said minigame and crash your boat 5 times. For me, the achievement popped after three crashes. Whatever..

so I'm just making the sky pretty.

'Air Raid'-minigame. You control your crosshair with your arrow keys (resulting in horrible controls) and shot with Z - Every aircraft takes 2 hits before going down.
Jewsus mentioned in the comments, that you just have to shot the sky 600 times - It doesn't matter if you hit something.

but I'm sure accurate with this thing.

'Air Raid'-minigame. It's about to never miss a shot. I can't give you real numbers here, but for me the achievement popped with these results:

17 planes down (makes 34 shots)
6 shots missed
= Accuracy 85%

Take your time aiming. Sometimes, even with perfect aim you simply miss a shot. Don't worry and try on :)

Perigee: 417 km (259 mi), Apogee 426 km, Orbital inclination 51.65 degrees

'Launch'-minigame. This one is hard and requires alot of skill and/or luck.

You control your shuttle with the left and right arrow key. You want the shuttle to go straight up, not to the side. If the shuttle is leaning to the right, use your right arrow. If left, left :)

Perfect Vertical Thrust is 4.90 - This means straight line!

I lost count after 20 retries but it works. You need to reach an altitude of at least 330.. I guess those are miles?

√2 distance

'Puzzle'-minigame. This one counts your diagonal moves during the puzzle minigame.
I don't know the rules here, it seems random. But to get the achievement you do not have to beat the puzzle - Just waste your score through many many diagonal moves.

After a while, the minigame fails resulting in a negative score. Repeat ;)

Sidenote: The counter for this achievement only updates upon a) restarting the game b) starting a new minigame.

TL;DR: Make 1000 diagonal moves.

The legends were true...

'Desert'-minigame. I'm not sure what the criterias are here. The achievement popped after I played the desert like ..4 times? But the time it popped I did a somewhat speedrun, resulting in 100 seconds time left.
In the desert, 4 'things' spawn. I collected them all as fast as possible and ran up the hill.

The next one spawns after you collected the previous so just run around in this order: Up, down, all the way to the right, all the way to the bottom left. After you've collected #4 go up the hill where the first thing was.
Some weird sun thing now spawns and you can just walk on.

It looked like this when the achievement popped for me:



It must be the time left, so be as fast as you can :)

This game was designed to be played once.

Get every other achievement - Busted.
Play the game for a day/week/month/year maybe?
Play the whole game (not just minigames) n-times?
Play the game without pressing a single key?
Play the game once with all the different DLC modes?

!WIP!