Umamusume: Pretty Derby

Umamusume: Pretty Derby

391 ratings
The autism horse
By Agnes Tachyon
AGNES TACHYON
“The term "tachyon" refers to a theoretical particle that exceeds the speed of light.”

Originally posted by Agnes Tachyon:
Life is an experiment, and we are all guinea pigs.
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She's perfect
BASIC INFO (UMA VERSION)
Name: Agnes Tachyon (アグネスタキオン)
Age: No clue how old she is in game, real horse was born 1998
Height: 159 cm
Weight: She refused measurement bc she's just goated like that
Birthday: April 13
CV: Sumire Uesaka (game/anime voice)
Likes: Research, sweets, tea, and ofc you <3

I can't take it anymore
I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick of Agnes Tachyon.
I try to play Narita Brian. My Agnes Tachyon is faster.
I try to play Mihono Bourbon. My Agnes Tachyon is faster.
I try to play BAKUSHIN. My Agnes Tachyon is still faster.
I want to play Manhattan Cafe. Her best parent? Agnes.
I want to play Smart Falcon. Agnes Tachyon invented the speed boost tech she uses.

She invades every comp, every room.
She stares into my soul with those goggles.
She tells me it’s “for data.”
She logs my failures on a clipboard. She hums while I mald.

She takes the friend slot. The parent slot. The support slot.
I give her Super Creek. I give her Narita Brian.
She says, "Insufficient parameters."

I pull Ines Fujin.
“Hmmm. You call this science?”
She touches my head. “For neurological mapping,” she says.
She rerolls my entire gacha history. “It’s more efficient this way.”

She makes Gold Ship run on pure sugar and despair.
“Controlled experiment,” she claims.

I try to escape. I log out.
She’s already in my dreams, scribbling calculations across the walls.
I wake up. She’s in my supports. SSR. Level 50. Smiling.

“I can go faster,” she whispers.
“But at what cost?” I ask.

She injects something into my pity meter.
My Carats vanish.

I pull a single gacha.
Agnes Tachyon. Again.
"Life is an experiment," she says.
"And you're the constant."

There are no tears in her eyes.
Just cold, calculated stats.
And a 3% URA activation rate.
She never fails it. I always do.


What a cruel world.
Science never sleeps. And neither does she.

REAL-LIFE VERSION (THE ACTUAL HORSE)

Born:
1998 in Hokkaido, Japan
Breed: Japanese Thoroughbred
Sire: Sunday Silence
Dam: Agnes Flora (also a big deal)
Nicknames: “The Phantom Triple Crown”

Why Agnes is the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ goat

  1. Undefeated in all 4 of his races.
  2. Won the Satsuki Sho (Japanese 2000 Guineas).
  3. Had to retire early due to a tendon injury.
  4. Everyone thought he'd win the whole Triple Crown if he kept going.
  5. Became Japan's leading sire in 2008. Literally a dad to champions.
  6. Died in 2009 due to heart failure. RIP king.

Some fun facts


  • The name "Tachyon" comes from a theoretical particle that moves faster than light. Very on brand.
  • She's actually kind of terrifyingly smart.
  • Was designed to reflect her IRL horse’s "what could’ve been" potential.
  • Has a huge fanbase despite not being a main character.
  • Possibly drinks 8 cups of tea a day. For science.
  • If she touches you, you're probably part of a research project.

10/10 would let her test a questionable serum on me again.


notes from lil ol me
I made this guide so I can have her on my profile, if you find any mistakes in the information or have suggestions do leave a comment and I'll see what I can do when I have time.

my uid: 572405022709 (join my club if you want to miss out on a lot of rewards and brick your account!)


68 Comments
Negro Bomba 19 Sep @ 10:52am 
MAMBO
Jo 12 Sep @ 7:11am 
she broke my femur for an experiment
Lix 30 Aug @ 7:57pm 
i'm not dyslexic but reading makes me dyslexic
Cøck johnson ©™ 28 Aug @ 3:04pm 
cum
wrenchuser 23 Aug @ 12:12am 
awesome :steamhappy:
Bracholv16 22 Aug @ 12:26am 
peak guide.
Goated guide
Agnes Tachyon  [author] 9 Aug @ 2:43am 
Thanks for your concern but I'm a functioning member of society and I don't parade around agnes irl :marijaonlooker:
Tom 9 Aug @ 1:00am 
i think you need help this obsession isnt healthy