Title: "The Urinal Showdown: Gollum vs. Patrick Star"

The men’s room was quiet—just the hum of a flickering fluorescent light and the distant drip of a leaky faucet. Then the door creaked open.

In shuffled Gollum, hunched and muttering to himself, his giant, bulbous eyes darting around like a paranoid raccoon. "Precious needs to go, yes, precious… nasty hobbitses won’t follow us here, no…"

He scurried to the left pissoir, his bony fingers fumbling with his loincloth. Just as he got settled, the door burst open again.

In waddled Patrick Star, his dopey grin wider than the urinal itself. "Oh boy, bathroom break!" He immediately beelined for the middle urinal—right next to Gollum.

Faux-Pa #1.

Gollum’s eye twitched. "Nasty! Nasty fat starfish takes the middle, yes! Why not the far one?!"

Patrick, oblivious, looked down.

Faux-Pa #2.

Patrick: "Whoa. You got a weird-looking hot dog there, buddy."

Gollum (hissing): "Not a hot dog! Not for eating! MY PRECIOUS!"

Patrick (nodding sagely): "Ohhh, so it’s like… a fancy sausage. Got it."

Gollum’s face contorted in rage. "Sausage?! You—you—" He took a deep breath, then smirked. "What would stupid starfish know? Can’t even hold it right, can you? Look at you, dripping like a broken faucet!"

Patrick gasped. "Oh yeah?! Well, I bet I can pee farther than you!"

Gollum (scoffing): "Pah! Gollum once peed from the top of Mount Doom and hit an orc in the eye!"

Patrick (grinning): "Oh yeah? Well, I once peed so hard, I created a new ocean!"

Gollum’s jaw dropped. "LIES! No one makes new oceans!"

Patrick (shrugging): "I mean, I think it was pee. Might’ve been a jellyfish. Hard to tell."

Gollum growled, shaking his fist. "Stupid, tricksy starfish! Gollum could out-pee you blindfolded!"

Patrick (excited): "Ooooh! Let’s do a contest! First one to fill the urinal wins!"

Gollum hesitated. "…Fill it with what?"

Patrick blinked. "Uh… lemonade?"

Gollum screamed in frustration, yanking at his hair. "AAAAAGH! STUPID FISH! GOLLUM LEAVES!"

He stormed out, his loincloth flapping behind him.

Patrick, still mid-stream, waved cheerfully. "Bye, weird naked squirrel guy!"

And thus, the most bizarre bathroom rivalry of all time ended—with one traumatized Gollum and one proud, victorious starfish.

The end.